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Do I stay or do I go?

(11 Posts)
MrsJasonStatham Tue 07-Mar-17 14:01:20

I'm at a crossroads and I'm stuck. No idea what I'm expecting by posting here other than maybe some helpful advice or opinions from somebody who's been in these shoes

I'm 27, I have a lovely partner who I've been with 2, nearly 3 years.
He has two young children (primary school age) who visit us every other weekend.

There is so much going through my head at the moment - do I want to commit to someone who has children forever? Will I regret not sharing my first experiences with him?

I've found myself not particularly looking forward to weekend visits and planning other activities so I can be out of the house

Selfish I know but I don't really even know why I'm feeling this way. My partner is brilliant and loves me in every way. I'm so confused as to why I've suddenly started feeling like this and I have no idea what to do next.

He is aware of how I feel and is heartbroken - wants us to make things work. Says I'm being ridiculous in the way I feel about the future - that my firsts will be his and that I'm throwing away a decent man and the chance of a happy future.

Surely I wouldn't be having these doubts after such a short time if my gut wasn't trying to tell me something?

What if I'm getting too old to meet somebody without "baggage" and I end up cutting my nose off to spite my face .... sad

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 07-Mar-17 14:06:52

My ex husband had a child from his first marriage but nothing took the shine of our firsts just because he'd done it before.

Also, please don't suggest that children are "baggage".

TheNaze73 Tue 07-Mar-17 14:12:14

I agree with Myheart, children aren't baggage.

I think you sound unsuited. You'll never be his number one focus as he's a father, quite rightly. Sounds like you need to find someone else, without children

Adora10 Tue 07-Mar-17 14:14:04

Totally understand OP, you're entitled to have those feelings; I would!

Only you know if it's worth it because it's not going to be easy; you will have to open your house to his kids whenever and whatever.

Personally I'd have to be 100% to embark on this, you will always play second fiddle to his children; fine for him, not so easy when they are not yours.

You are 27 so plenty time to meet someone else, I wouldn't worry.

xStefx Tue 07-Mar-17 14:16:37

Its 2 days out of 14 can you really not accept this?
It may be a good idea to keep these two days and use them as a way of catching up with family and friends as you have been doing?

However your gut is a hard thing to ignore
2/3 years is a long time

Is the only issue the children? if it is then maybe finish it as they will never go away. Whatever you do please don't make him choose between you and his kids (im not suggesting that you were going to) just another OP on another thread is subtly hinting for her DP to do the same.

Hope you manage to sort it but don't make him feel guilty for having a past, the problem is yours. I do sympathise however! I have 2 SC and as it is I look forward to them coming because we all have a good laugh. DP is so happy because of this, I love him and want to make him happy. I don't want the man I love to be miserable and constantly feel like he has to choose between the kids and me. They are not baggage, they are his life and were before you and I came along on their scene.

I think being a step mum was fine for me, maybe its just not suited to you (and isn't to everyone) . In that case leave the family to get on with their life and go and build one of your own.

MrsJasonStatham Tue 07-Mar-17 14:24:29

Would never dream of making him choose! He is a great dad

Sorry about baggage comment! blush

Choosing between your heart and your head is very difficult ...

ElspethFlashman Tue 07-Mar-17 14:26:04

Some people just aren't cut out to be stepmums. It's best to recognise that earlier, rather than later.

xStefx Tue 07-Mar-17 14:41:01

Yes it is difficult, your not a bad person for wanting to experience things first time with DP. But amazing men are few and far between.

How about you and Step children try some bonding/ hobbies together
you may start to feel better about it all

if that doesn't work at least he can see you tried, at least you know you tried and wont regreat never having known

Do you get what I mean?

MrsJasonStatham Tue 07-Mar-17 14:48:45

Definitely - thank you Stef very helpful smile

user1479305498 Tue 07-Mar-17 15:40:41

I echo what Stef said. Something else to think about is that "you know" he can be a brilliant dad. Thats a real bonus!! honest! --read threads on here about the amount of guys who fall to pieces when they have children . You actually "know" the score. My son who is 32 has just had a baby with his lovely partner who already had a 3 year old from her marriage before. My son actually looked on the positive, he knew she was a great mum and she saw it as an advantage because she knew he was great with the 3 year old.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 07-Mar-17 15:54:56

My current Ex has 3 DC and I've never bonded with them.
I'm just not very maternal.
I have 1 DC for a reason.
I'd die for her in a second but I definitely didn't want any more.
But I am nearing 50!

I think your gut is telling you to get out there and live a bit.
As a PP has said, lovely, good men are very few a far between!

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