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should I leave him?

(96 Posts)
lpoolgirl44 Tue 07-Mar-17 11:59:06

please be patient...first, and long, post! I have been with my fiancé just over 2 years, first 18 months were great but past 6 months can only be described as an emotional rollercoaster. ill go back to September, sadly I miscarried our baby which was dreadful and I ended up off work for 3 weeks feeling very low. I didn't feel like he was as affected as me, perhaps that started breeding resentment, but like lots of men he isn't one to show/discuss emotions openly.

then we had a family holiday n October with his teenage kids and mine which was disastrous, we just all didn't get along, and my kids (17 and 20) relationship with him, which was never great, deteriorated even further. we had a nightmare trip to Amsterdam over Christmas which involved more bickering than anything else. he was brought up by a very hard man in a large family, his dad used to beat him and there was little love. his dad is now dead but his mums alive, however he has no relationship with her. he can be very verbally aggressive at times, huffing, puffing, eye rolling etc too, which makes me nervous and often scared of doing the 'wrong thing'. I find myself constantly trying to please.

after new year I decided enough was enough, after more upset and silent treatments etc so I left him. we still have our own houses as our kids live with us (separately), we tend me lve in mine during week and his at weekends. I only have my daughter whos 21 now living with me, my son lives with his dad. 2 days after I called it a day he 'got me back' with offers of change/take it slow/promises of counselling. at first taking it slow worked and we just 'dated' January, not living with each other.

come February we had a weekend away and things just took a turn for the worse. I have another older son whos autistic and he lives in supported accommodation, he had some serious problems whilst we were away and I was upset by this, not sure if to head home or not, but I stayed. I had to communicate with my ex husband by phone a few times over this which resulted in snidey comments and silent treatment from fiancé. this leaves me sad and emotionally drained, riddled with anxiety.

the final straw was about 10 days ago on the Friday, we went for a night away to try and make up for the disastrous weekend. however just as we are chatting before dinner we get on to topic of my anxiety (currently signed off work with it) and I told him id talked about it at dinner with a friend that week, who had asked if my partner is supportive and understands me. all I said was that I didn't think he quite 'got it' as many who haven't had it don't, well he hit the roof! stormed back to the hotel with me running behind...this was before dinner! once in the room I got told how i'm a silly bitch, dickhead, awful shag, I stink, he's had better, i'm fat, i'm a moose, i'm an easy lay!!! he was so angry and in my face, calling me a fucking slag, all unfounded as I've never looked at anyone else whilst with him. I was scared and I slapped him, very wrong I know and something I don't do. well he hit me back, knocked me across the room, next day I had a whopping black eye and bruised cheekbone. at this point I decide i'm leaving him.

Next day he's remorseful but i'm just biding my time. on Tuesday I removed all his clothes from my house and went to his knowing he was in work/kids in school, and left his stuff in his with his key and took my stuff. all last week I felt I had done right thing and felt...until yesterday! the expected phone call eventually arrived asking to take me to dinner which I refused. I did agree to meet for a drink to tie up lose ends (got some holidays etc booked) but now I feel so mixed up. I told him how he's scared me recently and is indeed contributing to my anxiety. he seemed so sad and sorry, he offered to go to counselling or anger management (which he offered last time we split but never followed through). he asked could he please take me for dinner tonight but I just feel im not ready as I don't know what to do. what I realised is I do love him, I think he is a very emotionally scarred man, his last wife and gf both cheated on him, is this why I get labelled a slag/slut too I wonder? also my family especially mum are delighted I have left him and don't want me going back, just feel in such a mess and wanted bit of advice from people un associated with us. sorry for the ramble x

user1479305498 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:03:26

just tell him to sod off-- I think you saw what he really thought

LineysRun Tue 07-Mar-17 12:06:05

Leave him, and don't look back.

His anger and his twisted ways of thinking are not your problems to deal with - they're his. Save yourself and your family from any more of this misery and violence. You owe him nothing - but you owe your children something (even if they are young adults).

You've taken the first step - keep going flowers

ImperialBlether Tue 07-Mar-17 12:08:25

Why on earth would you keep going back to this complete and utter bastard?

Adora10 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:08:55

Why on earth would you give this woman beater another chance; do you not have any love for yourself because you are putting yourself in danger being with him; he sounds bloody awful at the very least and a massive bully to boot, never mind the physical violence.

OP, you are in a verbal and physically aggressive relationship, is that really what you think you deserve, this man is never going to give you even the basics of a relationship and will continue to belittle you and your children.

I don't understand how you can love someone that behaves this way; I think you are starting to normalise what is in fact a seriously dysfunctional relationship, you know what you need to do, it won't get better, in fact it sounds like he's ramping up the abuse.

PineappleExpress Tue 07-Mar-17 12:09:02

Yes, leave him.

My ex was like that sweet as anything and so remorseful after, but his behaviour never changed towards me and his anger was always there just waiting for an excuse to explode out. He also had a messed up family past with lots of physical and verbal abuse, but I eventually realised that no matter what I did, he would never change and I left him.
It killed me but I'm so much happier without him and without the fear of what would happen if I said the wrong thing flowers

OneOrgasmicBirthPlease Tue 07-Mar-17 12:10:54

He dislikes your children, is unsupportive of your MH issues (I never had anxiety but it does not take a genius to work out how it may feel - just a little empathy is needed), is moody and aggressive, says awful things to your face in anger and then hits you. You cannot go on holiday together because he makes sure you have a miserable time. That is when you are supposed to be relaxing together. Your mother is glad you are rid of him.

He sounds absolutely awful. What possible reason could you have to even consider meeting him? Is his dick made of gold?

Adora10 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:11:13

And don't fall for the, I had a shit childhood; if that's true then he should be even more aware of what is not acceptable; he's choosing to beat you, choosing to ridicule you, choosing to put your children down, he's an ADULT.

He is full of BS; tell him to come back and see you in six months when he's had his counselling, I guarantee you he won't go.

OneOrgasmicBirthPlease Tue 07-Mar-17 12:12:55

Also, the nice/nasty cycle is a classic pattern of abuse. He is not remorseful, he just wants you back where he can abuse you again.

Hermonie2016 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:43:39

Please don't stay.You are being given abused.

You did not deserve to be treated this way.
Abusive people go for kind compassive people as they know that their childhood story will make you feel like you want to help him.

You can't fix him, even if you were a trained professional you can't make him better.Only he can make him better.

If he was truly sorry he would be in treatment now rather than trying to take you out to dinner.

I fear that your children could lose their mum if you stay..he really could hurt you next time.
For your childrens sake, leave this man.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 07-Mar-17 13:08:39

Please contact Womens Aid urgently and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
The fact you can't see that this is full on abuse of every kind is very worrying.
This fuckwit does not deserve another second of your time.
Get out - run fast.
THE HILL ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Isetan Tue 07-Mar-17 14:19:40

For goodness sake OP, stop being a glutton for punishment. The honeymoon period is over, count your blessings and be very thankful that there wasn't an actual honeymoon.

Maintaining your mental health should be a priority, so you need to ask yourself, why you are still worrying over a man that's a threat to it?

lpoolgirl44 Tue 07-Mar-17 14:26:38

thank you everyone, i guess i know what the right thing to do is in my head, but my heart is sad its came to this. feel to ashamed to tell anyone i know what he has done. he was crying when he phoned me last night, literally begging for another chance, which has messed with my head. before that i had a week without him and felt strong but now feel like im crumbling sad really appreciate your help

lpoolgirl44 Tue 07-Mar-17 14:27:43

i know if someone treated my daughter this way i would tell her to run.....

AnyFucker Tue 07-Mar-17 14:30:30

He is a violent abuser

How did you verify that his his wife and exgf cheated on him ? I bet they simply had their fill of getting battered and living in fear. Like you.

lpoolgirl44 Tue 07-Mar-17 14:33:55

only from what he told me?! guess im sounding rather naieve

ElspethFlashman Tue 07-Mar-17 14:39:47

his last wife and gf both cheated on him

TOTAL BOLLOCKS. He gave them black eyes and all.

AnyFucker Tue 07-Mar-17 14:41:04

Yes. You are sounding naive. And like you have a death wish.

lpoolgirl44 Tue 07-Mar-17 14:43:36

sorry...this is really helping though thank you. guess my self worth is so low at the moment (due to him) i wasn't realising i deserve better

HerOtherHalf Tue 07-Mar-17 14:45:13

What's that old saying about the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result? You've called it off, he's begged you back with tears and promises to change, he's reverted to type, you've left, he's begged you back.........

He is not going to change. You know that surely, as he's proven beyond doubt that he is incapable of changing. Jump off the wheel.

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 07-Mar-17 14:45:22

You have your own home, you don't have dc's together, and he has told you and shown you exactly what he thinks of you. Leave his stuff outside and text him to collect it and not contact you anymore. At the first sign of trouble, call the police.

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 07-Mar-17 14:46:35

Abusers always cry. It's one of their best tools.

Adora10 Tue 07-Mar-17 14:47:23

OP, crocodile tears to reel you back in; this is who he is, do you really want to be with a Jekyll and Hyde?

He hates your children and batters you, does his crying change that, no it does not.

Raise your bar OP or live a life that does not involve drama and violence.

coffeetasteslikeshit Tue 07-Mar-17 14:48:24

Please don't go back to him. You deserve better.

MrsHathaway Tue 07-Mar-17 14:49:24

He can be very verbally aggressive at times, huffing, puffing, eye rolling etc too, which makes me nervous and often scared of doing the 'wrong thing'. I find myself constantly trying to please.

You know, if you had a little more confidence you'd only have needed this much to think "nope, this isn't a healthy relationship". I copied it as I went along, before I read that he is also a violent abuser.

Why would you stay with someone who hates you? You're worth so much more than that. I'm so glad you still have your own home and your own resources so it can be an easy split from a practical perspective - though splits are rarely emotionally easy.

Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme will definitely help you to set higher standards for relationships.

I agree with pps that he is very likely to have abused his previous partners. The "cheating" is probably either a bitter description of how each woman dared to move on after escaping him, or a fabricated or vastly inflated excuse to punish and control her at the time.

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