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Should I stop calling her?

(6 Posts)
Tinglestilts Tue 07-Mar-17 10:38:29

I normally post on aibu but for this one I've name changed and come over to relationships.

My mum and I have never had a particularly close relationship. She did all the things that parents have to do like feed and clothe me but in other ways she was very inattentive.

She would never take me anywhere (like friends houses or to extra curricular activities). If I wanted to do something I had to either walk, cycle or take the bus which, living in a rural area wasn't ideal. She used the lack of transport to deny me things I wanted to do. Like when I was a teenager I wanted to go to drama classes, which in hindsight could have been great for my confidence but she would just say something like "you're never going to be an actress and how are you going to get there anyway?" Maybe I'm misremembering but anything that I wanted to do (drama classes, gap year, even something as simple as going to the cinema in town etc) was met with objections and criticisms about why I couldn't do it.

She would buy my school uniform but not buy it according to the uniform list so I was that weirdo with the wrong clothes.

The difference in treatment between my younger siblings and me was stark as well. They got given lifts to plenty of places. Although I guess because I was older and could be left at home by then. Also, for my pocket money I was expected to clean the house (not a small house!), wash up after meals and cook twice a week. My siblings didn't have to do any of this and still got the same amount. I stopped doing this (the cleaning the whole house - cooking and washing up I didn't mind doing) when I was able to learn to drive, passed my test and got a job.

That's the other thing though - materially my parents were generous. They bought me a car and anything I wanted. We had nice holidays and days out.

They were also dismissive of my appearance. Until I met my partner I don't think anyone had told me I was pretty or cute. I still struggle to believe he can really think that when he says it now. My parents would always look back fondly on my baby/toddler pictures and say how cute I was but that was it. In contrast they'd often praise my little sisters looks and tell her how pretty she was. Admittedly she is prettier than me.

Anyway. That's the backstory. To get to the point - I live far away from my parents but still have a good, if not particularly close relationships with them. I try and speak to my mum on the phone once a week but it's not easy - the past two weeks I feel like I've called everyday and she's never picked up. I don't know if I should just take a hint and stop? When we do speak we have a nice chat (or at least I think so) so I don't understand why she won't call me back. Their phone shows missed calls so it can't be that she doesn't know. I guess really I should just text her but I hate begging her for attention, although I have done it before when she's not answered my calls.

I don't know how to cope with the fact that my mum doesn't seem to like me that much. Any advice?

Writing this was kind of cathartic but also just made me feel sad. Thanks if you read this far.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Tue 07-Mar-17 12:52:07

All I can suggest is maybe pick one day a week that is the day for phone calls (preferably a day you think she'll be in). If she picks up, great, if not then don't try again until the next week. Then you're not giving her as much headspace.

Other than that, I don't know flowers

ShouldIStayOrShouldIGo22 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:58:41

Maybe this is a daft question, but are you sure she's / they're ok? Have you tried calling landlines and mobiles? Has your sister heard from them?

xStefx Tue 07-Mar-17 13:01:36

I would wait until she calls. Perhaps she just waits until you do. Once she does call then at least you will know and feel better that she has made the effort.

If she doesn't then you know you are wasting your time.
My mum can be a bit like that too, when I got engaged she didn't seem to care. So I got talking to my aunty on facebook about planning it and low and behold up popped mum all jealous wanting to make an effort.
Strange things some mothers lol im sure she loves you to bits op, as you said your the oldest and maybe she just thinks you need less looking after.

pocketsaviour Tue 07-Mar-17 13:06:58

It sounds like you would benefit from reading through the thread in relationships "But we took you to stately homes"

I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt flowers

Tinglestilts Tue 07-Mar-17 13:41:47

Thanks Raptorina that's a really helpful suggestion. I need to try to give the whole issue less head space and that's a good way to start.

Should I yes, my family are ok. I speak to my sister everyday and my dad texts regularly.

Stef I've tried that before but she won't call me. No matter how long I leave it.

Pocket thanks, I'll check it out. I don't normally let it get to me but today when she again didn't pick up it hurt and brought the whole issue to the forefront of my mind.

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