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still can't handle ex

(23 Posts)
burninglikefire Tue 07-Mar-17 09:34:53

Left exDH over 2 years ago. It has been hard work but I am in quite a good place with regards to work and my emotional health.

So, today started well - managed to get to the gym early but exDH was there and he wanted to talk to me. I resisted at first but when I left he came out and we went somewhere relatively quiet to talk. Except that he wasn't quiet: I am a horrible person, not the person he once knew etc etc. He was almost shouting, but not quite. Certainly speaking loudly enough for several heads to turn. So, to stop him I have agreed to visit him in a couple of days.

And now I feel completely rubbish and annoyed with myself for feeling like this and letting him affect me. I am at work and just want to shut myself away and burst into tears.

I have worked so hard at making myself robust with stuff like yoga and just being kind to myself, but I am letting him get to me so easily. :-(

ImperialBlether Tue 07-Mar-17 09:40:12

Why does he want you to visit him if you are really horrible?

burninglikefire Tue 07-Mar-17 09:42:40

He needs help with some admin type stuff that he would struggle to manage by himself (but could manage by himself if he had to).

Cloudyapples Tue 07-Mar-17 09:42:59

What ImperialBlether said.

Do you have DC together? If not then what is there to talk about? Time for him to move on and leave ou to your own life - it's been two years! Tell him to piss off!

burninglikefire Tue 07-Mar-17 09:46:44

We have grown up DC. I agreed to go over because I thought he would start shouting properly otherwise. Am annoyed with myself that I can't just accept that him shouting is temporarily uncomfortable but is his decision and not something that I should try to avoid.

flippinada Tue 07-Mar-17 09:49:35

I second (third smile) what Imperial said. Don't beat yourself up for reacting like you did but now you're away from him and a message saying on reflection you won't be coming round to help him with his admin. Let the lazy gaslighting tosser sort it out himself!

flippinada Tue 07-Mar-17 09:50:02

*send a message

OnTheRise Tue 07-Mar-17 09:51:24

I'd text him to say I wasn't coming to the arranged meeting, that I only agreed because I felt threatened by him, and that I didn't want to see him again. Then I'd block his phone number because life's too short to deal with people like this.

Assuming you don't have any children, of course. If you do you'll have to add that you only want to hear from him with regard to the children.

ofudginghell Tue 07-Mar-17 09:56:35

How long have you been seperated?
Is the divorce finalised?
Do you have to see each other for children swap etc?
I would be sending him a message and saying it is not ok to intimidate you and you felt forced into agreeing to meet up.
You won't be going to help him with any paperwork and you will no longer be having any contact with him only via email so you have a paper trail.
If he continues to harass you tell him you will let the authorities know the situation.
He's lost all control and obviously thinks intimidating you into doing what he wants is a way to control the situation.
You are not his secretary and he will have to find someone else to help him with paperwork etc.
You WERE his partner but not anymore.
You have no obligation to help him and I wouldn't be even attempting to be civil or have contact with him.
You owe him nothing.
Walk away

AshesandDust Tue 07-Mar-17 10:05:06

Change your gym, OP. flowers

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 07-Mar-17 10:08:20

I would have called the police and had him banned from the gym, you don't ever need to have future contact with him op. Don't facilitate his harassment of you, big girl pants lovely and strangle the fecker with them if you need to.


flippinada Tue 07-Mar-17 10:18:47

Just read that your children are grown up. There's no reason for you to have any contact with him. And if you are worried about your safety (understandably given his behaviour) contact the police as PP have suggested. You don't need to put up with this flowers.

GettingScaredNow Tue 07-Mar-17 10:24:45

No, no and no.

I felt the same for a looonnngggg time 'let him shout, what difference does it make? It's up to time to brush it off'

NO. He is a grown up. He needs to learn self control. You left him 👏🏻👏🏻 but he is still holding on and he is abusing you. He has no right.

Message him now saying something like what posters above have said 'I am not coming to help you. I said that to pacify you and stop you from shouting at me. Any further approaches by you will now be seen as harassment and I will be forced to contact the police to report each and every incident'
And then block his number as he doesn't need it.

flowers for you. It isn't easy.
But your worth more then this fool

JustSpeakSense Tue 07-Mar-17 10:25:54

Send a message saying you won't be coming around, and you'd prefer not to see him again unless unavoidable (like DC weddings, graduations etc.)

Change gyms.

burninglikefire Tue 07-Mar-17 10:53:40

Thank you everyone. Starting to feel better now and really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond - lots of good advice here. I guess I would like to be on reasonable terms with him and always get surprised by how quickly he can get angry.

Will think about sending a message to cancel the meeting and about changing gym!

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 07-Mar-17 11:13:07

You can't reason with unreasonable People op, its the down fall of nice rational souls like yourself, who end up getting confused and upset as to why their olive branches get broken.

He's angry with you, you can't control that, you can only control yourself and that means cutting him off completely, don't feed the monster. gin

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 07-Mar-17 14:21:26

Why is this even a thread.

Just don't go. Easy.

miserableandinpain Tue 07-Mar-17 16:26:45

Just dont go

miserableandinpain Tue 07-Mar-17 16:26:55

Just dont go

Littlefrogletx Tue 07-Mar-17 17:09:11

Dont go.
You owe him nothing, the only reason he shouts is because you let him.
I wanted to be civil with my ex because of dc but he is unable to do it
He is still controlling you because you let him

flippinada Tue 07-Mar-17 18:05:57

No, the reason he shouts is because he chooses to, nothing to do with whether OP 'lets him' or not. She certainly doesn't have to listen to it though!

Not sure why this shouldn't be a thread either - I would guess the OP was looking for some reassurance and support after being ranted at by her XH, which is completely understandable.

Littlefrogletx Tue 07-Mar-17 18:32:36

She lets him because she she chooses to put up with it.
I've been through this with my abusive ex.
By even trying to be civil with him, I was letting carry on the cycle.
I let him upset me because I didn't block him and allowed him to continue

flippinada Tue 07-Mar-17 19:05:02

I understand where you're coming from, I had an abusive ex too. Let's place the blame firmly where it belongs though, on the abuser.

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