What do I do now?

[JLbaby]

Long story short - EA husband, narcissistic, very controlling. I told him I wanted to separate back in January and things have gotten lots worse since - threatening behaviour, driving without due care. Now tonight won't let me in the bedroom to go to bed....I'm sat downstairs as it got to the point where I thought he may be violent towards me. Told me to get out or 'he'd do something he regretted'....

I can't leave right now as I have 2 small kids and don't have any money. We're going to mediation at the end of the month.

[Pearlmum1]

Hi I did it with no money whatsoever, there's loads of help and advice for you out there

[JLbaby]

As far as I'm aware the only options are going to a refuge if I have no money? Which for me isn't an option for various reasons unfortunately. I'm

[Sweets101]

Can you sleep on the couch? If you stay downstairs will he stay upstairs or is he likely to want to keep coming down to make another point?
Have you spoken to women's aid?
Sorry for all the questions!

[Sweets101]

Not necessarily if he is abusive

[JLbaby]

Yes spoken to WA. Yes I guess I'll sleep on the couch, not ideal but anyway. He's already been down once since I came downstairs 10mins ago, to have a go at me about something.

[NapQueen]

Police?

[Hardyloveit]

Hope your okay!

[JLbaby]

Police? And tell them that he won't let me in the bed? Won't they just laugh at me?!

Sorry I'm not being sarcastic but I'm sure they've got better things to do than telling someone to let them sleep in their own bed!

[EchidnasPhone]

You're in a house where you fear physical violence. He is beinf abussive to you in a home with young children. All things the police will be (hopefully) able to advise you on. It's your safety & that of your children.

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Why will you not go to a refuge?

[JLbaby]

Echidnas - so should I call 101? What are they likely to do though? I'm completely naive about things like this and want to know what is likely to happen if I call them.

One of the conditions of going into a refuge is giving up your job, and as little as I earn it's 'something'. I'd really only do it in desperate circumstances.

[HeddaGarbled]

Yes 101, say he's threatened you and you are afraid of violence and the thing about not allowing you to bed and the previous examples of threatening behaviour including dangerous driving (presumably while you were in the car? That's threatening behaviour too).

[JLbaby]

But what, if anything, are they actually likely to do?

[HeddaGarbled]

You won't know if you don't phone, will you?

Even if they take no action now, and I suspect they will, as "coercive control" is high profile at the moment, it'll be on record which is really important for lots of things in the future: legal aid, mediation, access arrangements.

Come on, be brave, make that phone call.

[JLbaby]

You are right Hedda.

Why would it affect mediation out of interest?

[HeddaGarbled]

Because you won't be required to do mediation with someone who is abusive.

[JLbaby]

I see...so what's the alternative? Solicitors and court?? I don't qualify for legal aid so how would I pay for that?

[DailyMailDontStealMyThread]

Any good mediator won't allow therapy where one partner is abusive.

It's been a long long time since I've been where you are now but I had a job with childcare and still managed refuge accommodation whilst I sorted things out.

101 if you feel under threat, they may take a while to get there, will want to speak to both of you seperatly and ask him to leave tonight but he will be allowed back, at this point.

Can you rest up for now and have a clear think about things in the morning playing your cards close to your chest and getting your ducks in a row

Nothing is impossible but not everything needs to be done right now, take your time and look after yourself

[Zoflorabore]

I did not know that you have to give up your job if you go into a refuge :(

Op I would stay downstairs, wrap up and stay warm, let him have his paddy.

Is mediation even worth it under the circumstances?
Thinking of you

[JLbaby]

Zoflora - yes WA told me. I'm in touch with them and have a key worker etc.

DM - yes I'm not doing anything tonight, will possibly call them in the morning. I absolutely dread him coming home each evening as there's always something wrong and the atmosphere is dreadful.

[JLbaby]

All this started tonight because DD1 wouldn't give him a hug tonight 😔 Apparently it was all my fault.

[JLbaby]

So I called them today, they came and I gave a statement but apparently there's nothing they can do as it didn't get physical...despite me telling them about his controlling behaviour, emotional abuse and coercive control. So basically he has to do something physical for them to do something?!


Where do I go from here?

[JLbaby]

Anyone?

[HeddaGarbled]

Oh dear, that's bad. Not even any advice?

At least there's an official record now. That may be useful in the future.

Did WA not have any useful advice for you? Is it just put up with it or go to a refuge?

If things get really bad, I'm sorry to say that you may just have to sacrifice your job as a short term measure to keep yourself safe and get yourself out of an intolerable situation.

With regard to money for a solicitor, you are married so all money of the marriage is a joint asset. If you can get access to a joint account or savings, you can use that, and it will all be sorted in the final settlement. If you can't get access, can you borrow short term (overdraft, credit card, family) and again it will be sorted in the final settlement?

Until you can get out, you need to think about how you can separate yourself from him in the house - can you go in with one of the children, even if it's a mattress on the floor?

[JLbaby]

Ok so a bit of an update - the police called me back last week and I went in today to see them.

Said they could arrest him under that new coercive control law as I gave them lots of examples of his controlling behaviour etc and under bail conditions he would have to stay away from the house. However they said it may not go in my favour at the CPS stage and if it doesn't he'd be allowed back and they couldn't do anything about it?!

It's my word against his at the end of the day, what would I have to do to get them to believe me?!