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Dilemma; advice please.

(51 Posts)
user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 19:16:30

I know this subject has come up before, but I am having a problem shaking off someone who lives near me. She thinks she is a friend, but I regard her as more of an acquaintance. (Let's call her 'Z.') She is annoying and clingy and nosey, and she turns up uninvited if I don't answer her text or call (she only has my mobile number, and not my home number thank F.)

We moved into the area only a few weeks apart around 3 years back, and Z zoned in on me. She was OK to start with but became annoying very quickly and kept bugging me; asking me and DH to meet up with her and her partner, calling around unannounced, and joining things I was going to. (Several groups in the area....)

In addition, if she doesn't see me for a few weeks, she starts blabbing to the women in the groups that we both attend. 'Have you seen Deb? She hasn't been in touch for so long.' I began to feel like I have to justify where I've bloody been!

Me and DH went out with her and her partner a few times in the first year we knew them (to the pub,) but grew tired of them very quickly, because we had little in common, they were always late, and half the time her partner didn't turn up. They used my DH time and again to fix their computer, and a few weeks ago, my DH has said he is no longer doing it. Since then her partner has gone in a huff and has basically ignored my DH when he has passed him in the car this past few weeks.

The last time I texted her was to say 'DH is no longer doing computers so you'll have to find someone else.' (About 6 weeks ago.) We then saw her 2 weeks ago in a cafe, and she came over and spoke to us, and started asking questions about what we were doing and why we weren't at work and so on, and then she went.

Then I got a text from her today (at midday,) when I was out with DH, saying 'Hope everything is OK; not heard from you for ages, and haven't seen you around the area. I did call at your house an hour after texting you as I was worried that you didn't respond... Will call again soon. We will have to go all out for a drink again soon.'

FFS!

She is really bugging me now. I have been as short as I can, without being rude, and she flat out is not taking the hint. Short of telling her to F off (which is hard as we go to the same activities in our area,) how can I make it more clear I am not interested? Her partner seems to have got the message and hasn't even been bothered to turn up half the time, but she is not getting it. I am even at the point where I am not turning up to things/places if I know she will be there. Including my hobby groups.

I have nothing in common with her at all, and DH has nothing in common with her partner; we just sort of floated together a bit when we first moved here, and she clung on for dear life. (to us.) Any normal person would have taken the hint by now.

Me and DH went to the pub a month ago, (without them!) and last week one of the women from a group I go to said 'I saw 'Z' last week and she said she was really upset you had gone to the pub without her.' I felt myself getting angry and said 'Are me and my husband not allowed to go out to the pub as a couple without her permission? I don't have to tell her everything I do!' The woman just looked a bit shocked and said sorry. I said it wasn't her fault, but Z has no business getting sniffy coz we went to the pub without her. And going round telling people. What is she? 5!

And now THIS. Messaging me and then turning up an HOUR after, because she is 'worried.'

When we saw them in December, Z said to me 'have you ever been friends with someone who seems to start avoiding you, and starts acting differently' So I don't think we are the first to get peed off with her!

How can I deal with this? Text back and say 'yeah we're fine, he's fine, I'm fine, nothing's wrong. No time to go out for a long time. BYE!' Or just ignore her?!

MatildaTheCat Mon 06-Mar-17 19:45:11

'I'm fine thanks, just really, really busy. Probably see you at X activity soon.'

If she tries any more just raise an eyebrow and keep repeating how busy you are. She sounds very thick skinned. Unfortunately such people always take offence far more quickly than they take a hint.

user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 20:17:42

Thanks Matilda. So you think I should answer her text then and not ignore her?

SaltandPepperRibs Mon 06-Mar-17 20:22:07

have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar

FetchezLaVache Mon 06-Mar-17 20:35:06

I like Matilda's message, it is polite and neatly swerves the invitation to go out for a drink.

Do you know, I'm not particularly confrontational but I'd be having words about what your mutual friend told you. It's bad enough that she clearly thinks going for a drink a few times means you automatically HAVE to include them every time, but she's effectively bad-mouthing you to all and sundry about it, which is really not on. If she does suspect there's a pattern to all her failed friendships, she might even appreciate a few pointers about her intensity and level of expectation, if you can do it sensitively...

fleur34 Mon 06-Mar-17 20:36:46

Definitely read a similar thread recently except that it wasn't baby groups it was church where the annoying friend was always turning up.... confused

Same story about the dh fixing computers too!

user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 20:52:40

I like Matilda's message, it is polite and neatly swerves the invitation to go out for a drink. Do you know, I'm not particularly confrontational but I'd be having words about what your mutual friend told you. It's bad enough that she clearly thinks going for a drink a few times means you automatically HAVE to include them every time, but she's effectively bad-mouthing you to all and sundry about it, which is really not on. If she does suspect there's a pattern to all her failed friendships, she might even appreciate a few pointers about her intensity and level of expectation, if you can do it sensitively...

Thanks fetchez. I am annoyed about this too. The fact she is badmouthing me to people and I feel I am having to justify myself. Like a flippin' child! And yes I can see why her relationships/friendships fail; she is so full on, nosey, and irritating. I have nothing in common with her at all, and do not wish to fix this: I just want her to leave me alone.

I know it's not me, because I don't fell like this about anyone else, just her.

Maybe I will just text her and say 'we are fine, too busy for anything, bye.'

Wish she would take the hint.

user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 22:29:44

A woman me and 'Z' both know has just texted me (at 10pm!) to see if I'm OK, as'Z' has texted her to say she is worried coz she has not heard from me, and can she try and contact me!

Oh fgs. angry

On a few occasions (in the past,) I have texted 'Z' and she has taken 2 days to get back to me. She's obsessed! I feel like not messaging her at all now, but she will bloody turn up at my house if I don't!

TreeTop7 Mon 06-Mar-17 22:38:37

"I've just had a bit of a strange message from [mutual friend] asking if I'm ok. Apparently you were worried. No reason to be - I'm just very busy. See you around".

user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 22:49:51

Thanks TreeTop. Good idea.

kissmethere Mon 06-Mar-17 22:51:59

This sounds familiar to me too but you've said it's not you.

I would acknowledge her and keep it short again. If she persists, which she probably will, I'd be straight with her and tell her you find her overbearing (putting it mildly).
Why do you think she's so obsessed? Some people really can't take a hint (been in the same boat)

Onecutefox Mon 06-Mar-17 23:02:46

OP, you have posted here before. Same story with fresh update.

user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 23:05:28

I would acknowledge her and keep it short again. If she persists, which she probably will, I'd be straight with her and tell her you find her overbearing (putting it mildly). Why do you think she's so obsessed? Some people really can't take a hint (been in the same boat)

Hi 'kissmethere.'

Don't know why she is so obsessed! Maybe as we moved to this area just a few months apart, (3 years ago,) she saw me as a frail little newbie as she was, and just got attached. confused

I probably didn't help by being friendly back and accepting offers of going to the pub, but as I said, it was only for the first year, and we tried to give them a wide berth after that, but they - her especially - would not take the hint! Her partner hasn't seemed so bothered for a year or more, (only when he wants his PC fixing!) plus he doesn't turn up to the pub half the time! So I think HE has 'got the message' but she seemed to be finding it hard to stop mithering. Even running after us in the cafe the other week, desperate to chat.

This dragging others in is really pissing me off though. I'm not a fucking child. angry

Onecutefox Mon 06-Mar-17 23:06:31

I was actually wondering if you had managed to sort it out with her but looks like you have not. She is so annoying.

Onecutefox Mon 06-Mar-17 23:11:36

OP, what if you start doing what she is doing by making her life a bit difficult? Call her, text her, if she doesn't reply turn up at her doorstep at 6am.

toldmywraath Mon 06-Mar-17 23:13:34

OP I'm certain that you've posted about this before- have you or is someone else unfortunate enough to have the same thing happening?
The original post I read was set in a fairly small village so it was difficult to avoid"z" or whoever.

user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 23:16:49

OP, what if you start doing what she is doing by making her life a bit difficult? Call her, text her, if she doesn't reply turn up at her doorstep at 6am.

LOL as tempting as that is 'onecutefox' I don't want to encourage her any more!!! grin

Walkacrossthesand Mon 06-Mar-17 23:19:29

OP, many of us who spend too much time on MN recognise the story from your previous thread, we'd rather you acknowledge that you've started a new thread for your update, than ignore these comments...
I'm curious as to why the church aspect has disappeared from this version, though?
To the previous poster who said you'd said it's not you, those words were actually meaning you know it's not you causing the problem.

I hope you're finding the various suggestions about blocking and deflecting, helpful.

fridayrain Mon 06-Mar-17 23:22:42

You definitely posted about this before. About how they were in your church and how your husband gave them a computer then they were asking him to fix it.

Why you are posting the same thing again?

fridayrain Mon 06-Mar-17 23:23:42

*are you

Onecutefox Mon 06-Mar-17 23:25:54

You know OP, I have heard that by planting a special bush in your garden, front garden precisely , indicates you're in the swingers club and is available. I would buy her a big pot on 8th of March, international women's day grin.

user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 23:34:53

You know OP, I have heard that by planting a special bush in your garden, front garden precisely, indicates you're in the swingers club and is available. I would buy her a big pot on 8th of March, international women's day

grin LOL onecutefox

user1484750550 Mon 06-Mar-17 23:48:28

I think I will go with the advice from earlier in the thread to text her and say 'yeah we're all fine, very busy, no time to arrange anything.' If I DON'T message back, she will turn up at my house! confused

I mean she came today FFS (when me and DH were out.) WTF, who does she think she is just turning up?

I am still bugged though (and pissed off) with how she drags others in.

Just do not know how to deal. Wish she would leave the area!

GoodDayToYou Mon 06-Mar-17 23:55:38

I agree that this sounds almost identical to the previous thread with the church, pub and PC support. The lady also kept asking for lifts to the hospital and back etc etc and said, "Any excuse!"

I'm pretty sure that MN took that thread down.

Shoxfordian Tue 07-Mar-17 05:42:43

I think the time for dropping hints or being busy has passed; she clearly ignored these hints. Although it's difficult when you seem like a nice polite person; I think it's time to assert yourself and say something like

I haven't been in touch lately because I find your constant texting and calling extremely inappropriate. I do not wish to hurt your feelings but your behaviour has shown me that I do not want to continue this friendship. Please do not contact me again.

And then stick to it. Block her number on your phone; if she comes to the house then answer the door but be firm: ask why she's there and what she wants (I don't know if you feel uncomfortable but if you do you may need to phone the police)

Captain Awkward has some really good advice about boundary setting. This problem isn't directly analogous but I think it'd help and there are other good ones on her website too

captainawkward.com/2014/06/11/587-renegotiating-a-friendship-with-velcro-victor/

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