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Accepting someone as they are

(10 Posts)
DerFlabberghast Mon 06-Mar-17 19:16:21

I'll be honest, There are things I can find difficult to accept about my DP. Not necessarily deal breakers mind, just personality traits that can be...hard work....he can be very negative, apathetic and moody (I'm wildly aware that I too can be hard work, I think most people can be at times) and I'm aware that I compromise in this relationship quite a bit. I guess my question is how did you, if you're in the same boat, reconcile your differences? Is it settling? Is he settling with someone who secretly wishes bits of him would change? Am I bonkers to be complaining because despite the constant grumps he is the most caring, reliable and honest person I've evert met?

How did you go about accepting your partner just as he was without wanting to change him? Related: Am I a bitch from hell.

Kikikaakaa Mon 06-Mar-17 19:47:57

I would like my Bf to be less dithery. It drives me mad. He analyses all decisions and they end up being all long and drawn out when I am just thinking argh, decide!
But as it's not a terrible trait, just slightly annoying I just let it go and do my own thing.
If it was a bit deeper than that then I may struggle, some of the traits you have listed aren't very attractive and I think it's ok to say to someone that maybe they could work on their moods, because it isn't pleasant but they have to want to do that.
So if someone has some crap personality traits and no intention to address them, then I might find it harder to accept them as they are. Totally would depend on how they made me feel, it kind of doesn't always cancel out the bad with some good if it's stuff that really impacts on you in every day life. Over time being moody and negative could become more dominant than the caring side and drive you mad.
But I think instead of trying to change them it's just about what you can live with and how it impacts on you?

DerFlabberghast Mon 06-Mar-17 20:01:05

Over time being moody and negative could become more dominant than the caring side and drive you mad

This is what worries me, we've talked about it before and he says it's just who he is

Kikikaakaa Mon 06-Mar-17 20:05:04

I see.
So it is a matter or putting up with it regardless of how you feel about it.
If he's willing to lose a partner rather than self reflect then there isn't really anything you can do. If he's resolutely not willing to change then you can't change him, and his decision to not change. You have the choice whether to stay or go!

Londonjam Mon 06-Mar-17 20:24:11

I can empathise!

My DH is a lovely caring reliable honest man too - but is rather glass half empty, negative outlook, feels sorry for himself and is one of the least decisive people I have ever known - he finds it incredibly hard making decisions and taking any big life steps.

He took 8 years to propose to me and then only did it because he knew I wouldn't wait any longer. We've just bought our first home and he has spent the last four months tearing his hair out questioning whether we are doing the right thing constantly back and forth. We've had terrible rows over it and I've even had to ask his parents to speak to him as he's been so crippled by indecision that I told him he had to speak to someone else about it.

Now we are battling with male factor infertility and have spent the last 15 months trying and failing to conceive. It's tested our relationship more than anything and I've felt very unsupported by him at times. We've had a big heart to heart and promised to be kinder to each other. Hopefully we will help each other through this, rather than let it tear us up.

I realise this doesn't answer your question! I suppose it's how much it affects you and your relationship. And do you understand why he feels the way he does? Can he really talk about his feelings properly? I find I truly appreciate my DH when I'm away from him - especially around other couples or with my family. I feel like something is missing if he isn't there. He's my ally really, in life.

At the end of the day no relationship is perfect! We are all messy and complicated and have to muddle through together, I think

Hermonie2016 Mon 06-Mar-17 22:05:08

Negative & moody are not trivial traits and I wonder how he behaves caring when he's moody.

Also I think it's how you and he handles the issues.I had pmt but worked on it, talked about it, tried to minimise it and apologised if I caused offence.

If it's a case of "accept my moods" I think that'should not tolerable because I do think traits like this get much worse with age.

It's also about how you react to negative traits, what you can handle without being drained by them.

SandyY2K Mon 06-Mar-17 22:13:59

I wish my DH was more flash with cash, but I decided as long as I was able to earn and pay for what I wanted, I'd ultimately be happy to accept him as he is.

He's got many brilliant qualities and at the end of the day, nobody is perfect.

I'm sure he'd like me to be more tidy and have a higher sex drive, and slimmer, because I'd like all those things for myself too.... But he accepts me for who I am.

I can count on him in so many ways and that's priceless.

JaneJeffer Mon 06-Mar-17 22:15:30

There always has to be compromise in a relationship or it won't work. If you leave and meet someone else they won't be 100% "perfect" either.

Can you focus on the positive things about him and try to work around his shortcomings?

HeddaGarbled Mon 06-Mar-17 22:20:08

You might not be able to change him but you certainly can change the way you react. You say you compromise a lot. That's what you can change.

E.g. You "X has asked us over on Saturday"
Him "It'll be awful. I'm not going"
You "OK, I am"

Him "I've had a terrible day, my life sucks, I'm so ill, I'll probably die soon"
You "Do you want to make dinner or do the washing up?"

GoodDayToYou Mon 06-Mar-17 23:07:25

How did you go about accepting your partner just as he was without wanting to change him?

Practise. Time. And also, noticing those annoying things in myself. Over the years, we seem to have both had our share of annoying moments.

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