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I think that I want to live on my own again

(77 Posts)
weallassumethatoscarsaidit Mon 06-Mar-17 16:47:53

I have been married for 18 months and I have a 12 year old son from my first marriage.

My DS and my husband have an uneasy relationship and I often feel that my husband tries to find things to moan about regarding my DS. The problem is that it's all very subtle and I would have a hard time coming up with examples of this. There is a lot of huffing and puffing and rolling of eyes at things DS says/does and my H "tells tales" on my DS for not bringing his drinking glass down from his bedroom/keeping his room in a bit of a mess etc etc. His room is not particularly messy in my opinion and I'm not really fussed if there is one glass in his bedroom.

Secondly my H has started being a bit funny if I do things without him. I feel like I have to tell him about seeing friends weeks in advance and I can't do anything spontaneously anymore. Last week my friend contacted me on a Sunday morning to say she had thrown her husband out (long story to do with him drinking all of the time) and I said to my H that I would go and see her on Monday evening for a chat.

On the Sunday afternoon he was a bit off with me about this and said that I just told him what I was doing, rather than asking if it was ok. I was a bit hmm about having to ask if I can go to see a friend.

Today I forgot that I had a dental appointment and that I would therefore be late home from work. Because the reminder was sent to my email in Janauary I did a screen shot of it (for my records, so I could find it easily) and then text him a copy of it, and just said I would be a bit late home because of this.

I got this reply " why have you sent me the email? Do you think I don't believe you? Very strange"

I realise that these things are quite small and hard to explain properly here but it's making me feel very uneasy. My first marriage was very violent so I am hyper sensitive to any kind of control. However I am starting to feel trapped and suffocated and I want to leave.

Before I do anything I wondered if anyone here thinks that I am being unreasonable in leaving him over these things.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:50:54

I'd be concerned, esp about how he is around your son; if you feel at all in your gut that he's affecting your son's self esteem with his non verbal disapprovals, then yes, you might be better leaving him.

As for the asking for permission, that's just not acceptable OP, he's trying to control you, is there 100% trust between the two of you?

Or, are you actually looking to get out of the marriage?

ohbollox22 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:50:55

God no. Sounds exhausting. I live on my own with my DS and I love it. I won't live with another man for a long time.
If you can do it financially then go for it. I can't see it getting better. Have you spoken to him about it?

highinthesky Mon 06-Mar-17 16:50:56

The question is OP, can you live without your DH?

I don't usually advocate not giving things your best shot, but if you can live without him, just call it a day. I say this because your DS shouldn't suffer.

BeerMuggles Mon 06-Mar-17 16:52:45

I hear you. He may not be tangibly doing very much that you can verbalise but your reality is that he's sapping the joy out of being mother to your son.

Angleshades Mon 06-Mar-17 16:53:38

You don't need anyone else's approval for you to leave your relationship if you're unhappy. You also don't even need a reason to leave someone. If you're not happy and want out then so be it. Your dh will just have to accept it whether he agrees or not.

You deserve to be happy even if finding that happiness means leaving your dh.

TurnipCake Mon 06-Mar-17 16:54:51

He sounds miserable and exhausting to live with. You're perfectly in your rights to leave if it's no longer working for you and making you and your DS unhappy.

weallassumethatoscarsaidit Mon 06-Mar-17 16:57:03

Yes I can manage financially. We rent and are in a periodic tenancy so either of us can give a months notice.

I just don't feel that I should have to ask for permission to see friends. The situation with my son is also upsetting me because it's like a drip, drip, drip of disapproval.

It will be a massive upheaval to move house but I feel like I can't breathe. If I suggest something (it could be anything) he either disagrees with me or says no or says he doesn't want to do whatever it is that I'm suggesting. It's hard to explain.

TheNaze73 Mon 06-Mar-17 17:20:13

I think you need to exit your relationship, he's being an arse. Don't agree with the "can you live without them" comment though. Anybody could live without anyone

weallassumethatoscarsaidit Mon 06-Mar-17 17:30:19

Even if I'm at a friends house I'm clock watching to make sure I'm back for a reasonable time. This hasn't happened overnight, it's just crept up on me without me even realising it. I don't go out much anyway because I've gone off going out, out, but I would still like to see my friends without sarky comments about getting my pass stamped.

The thing with DS really upsets me though. If I'm talking to DS and my H arrives home from work he won't even speak. He'll just go off upstairs and comes down when we've finished talking. Or he'll butt into the conversation, giving his opinion. My DS then shuts up and goes to his bedroom. It's like H is jealous or something.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 06-Mar-17 17:30:43

I always think that life can be hard enough without choosing to be someone who makes it even harder.
I know life isn't all sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it is supposed to be a bit enjoyable else what's the point!

Your partner is supposed to enhance your life. Not actively make it more miserable!

I am a very happy person and I couldn't live like that either. He sounds like a dementor sucking the fun out of everything.

Must be horrible feeling so claustrophobic with him. You know what you need to do.

I used to have a boyfriend like that. Moan moan moan that's all he ever did. I didn't live with him but going round to see him towards the end was awful. I used to get there later and leave as soon as possible. It was a bonus if I got away without kissing him bleurgh.

weallassumethatoscarsaidit Mon 06-Mar-17 17:34:36

Well that's another thing. He's very negative. All of the time. If he's in a mood then everyone knows about it. I feel like I've got something pressing down on my chest all the time. And it's not the fact that I'm sat in the dentist waiting room that's making me stressed!!

Thattimeofyearagain Mon 06-Mar-17 17:41:16

That weight your feeling is anxiety.

cafesociety Mon 06-Mar-17 17:51:12

I'm identifying with your DS here as I had a new stepfather when I was 10, who stepped up his behaviour towards me when we moved from a relatives house to our own 'family' house a year later. Put you and your DS first, this manipulative man will make both your lives a misery. He sounds like a dark, dank cloud.

At your sons age there would be nothing worse than picking up your mothers partner is being off with you and making you feel left out and in the way. He will be picking up on the atmosphere and feeling so alone unable to upset you knowing you chose this bloke. He probably won't be able to put his finger on what is subtly going on so will be confused too. His future will be affected by all this.

Your DH will up his game gradually, gaslighting, making you doubt yourself, being passive/aggressive and controlling. If you have the means to be independent just get away from this crushing, soul destroying situation for the sake of your sanity and that of your DS, and enjoy freedom. It's what I'd do anyway.

debbs77 Mon 06-Mar-17 17:57:02

I used to have this too. Was extremely tiring. I got out of it! Much happier now x

expatinscotland Mon 06-Mar-17 17:58:23

I would dump anyone who made my child feel bad and not have a single regret about that. For your son's sake, end this.

Seeingadistance Mon 06-Mar-17 18:26:14

I feel so sad reading this. I'm also a single parent - mother to a DS who is now 15. I would really hate for him to have to live with a man like your husband, and I absolutely get what you're saying about the subtlety of much of it, and the downright overtly controlling of when you see friends.

If I were you, I'd leave him. Get yourself and your son sorted out again with your own place, and start breathing again!

debbs77 Mon 06-Mar-17 18:32:09

My ex used to make comments when the kids were ill like "ah you're faking it", "you should be in school", "there's nothing wrong with you" etc. Soon grates

SparklyMagpie Mon 06-Mar-17 18:44:47

Completely agree with expatinscotland

I'd end it OP

queenofthebucket Mon 06-Mar-17 20:09:41

Please dump him now. I was in a similar situation and my ds was only able to volunteer how hurt he felt by the man in my life after I had thrown him out.
I just wish I had acted sooner

Hermonie2016 Mon 06-Mar-17 20:24:29

How long did you know him before marriage? Did he get worse after the wedding?

DownTownAbbey Mon 06-Mar-17 20:25:27

If it's this bad this early on it's doomed anyway. You're poor son sad.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Mon 06-Mar-17 20:31:32

I don't understand why you married him if his relationship with your ds is strained. Has he always been like that about your ds?

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Mon 06-Mar-17 20:31:57

Sorry, hit send too soon. I do feel for you OP, I would get out now flowers

weallassumethatoscarsaidit Mon 06-Mar-17 21:04:54

No, it wasn't always like this. He's known my DS since he was four years old. It started not long after we got married.

If I was explaining the things that he says to someone else, like a friend for example, I would find it really difficult to find the right words. It's so subtle that sometimes I think it's me being over sensitive. Then I realise that it's done in that way on purpose. If something is overt then it's really easy to say what the actual problem is. The head shaking and muttering to himself and sighing drives me mad.

Then there's the sly comments whenever I go anywhere without him. Again, it's not anything as strong as "you're not going out". It's more insidious than that, to the point where I'm worrying when I go anywhere. I even feel awkward when my phone rings or I get a text. Like I'm being watched.

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