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If you've reignited your relationship after being stuck in a rut - how?

(18 Posts)
KatLovesCats Mon 06-Mar-17 16:00:41

I can feel my marriage dying around me. We're both working toward new careers, moving to a nice new house, have a toddler. There's a lot of stress, and a lack of sleep. We're still cuddly-ish but rarely have energy for or interest in sex.

I really want this to work, he's mostly lovely, but I'm not feeling it and I'm scared. I don't want to hurt him but I just don't know how to make this better. We go to the cinema together or meals and stuff but it doesn't seem to make a difference to how I feel sad

I posted about this feeling a couple of months ago but if you've "come back" from this situation I would love some advice or for you to tell me how! I'm also terrified that I've just got grass-is-greener syndrome and that if we ever break up I'll regret it.

KatLovesCats Mon 06-Mar-17 16:13:35

I just want to be alone right now but what if it's the moving stress? What if a fresh start helps in the new place? What if it doesn't? I hate this.

printmeanicephoto Mon 06-Mar-17 17:28:27

Maybe you're not feeling it because you're sleep deprived, stressed and have a young toddler?

KatLovesCats Mon 06-Mar-17 17:45:53

That's it, isn't it. He 100% thinks if we ride it out everything will fall into place. I feel like it won't, but I could be wrong. In the meantime we're not having sex and I feel trapped and chlostrophobic but don't want to leave because he could be right. I don't know what to do in the meantime.

Moanyoldcow Mon 06-Mar-17 23:13:35

My husband and I kind of got here. It got to the point where he started suffering ED and the anxiety got worse and we went about 9 months without sex.

It boiled down to having a toddler who hadn't slept regularly for the 3 years we'd had him, both overworked, and no quality time.

At times I doubted there was anything left of us. We talked, made a real effort to get DS into some kind of routine and made time to be close. Not just dates but time for sex, talking, reading together etc.

That was about 6 months ago. We're back to where we were and nip it in the bud if things start to trouble us.

I reckon my son has slept through no more than 40 times in the last 4 years. I am EXHAUSTED. My husband is extremely hands on in all areas so it's not left just to me but I can barely cope after a bad week and it distorts all thinking.

If you can get a proper rest it will make the world of difference.

One thing though, I never stopped fancying my husband - I always knew I loved him but just couldn't see passed then exhaustion.

scottishdiem Mon 06-Mar-17 23:22:29

What is it you are missing? Is the sex? Is it the mutual desire? Is it the togetherness-in-happy-silence that the child is interrupting?

You say that "I don't want to hurt him but I just don't know how to make this better" but what needs to be made better>

Do you still fancy him? Do you still love him? Do you still want to spend time together (so get annoyed when you aren't).

Sorry for not understanding - what did you mean you want to be alone?

You have a lot of stress in your life - what are your ways of mitigating that?

Kelsar Mon 06-Mar-17 23:24:24

I think a lot of relationships go through patches where either individuals or both parties are exhausted and see little point in anything - and it is about reminding yourselves of what you as a couple are all about, the things you have done together - the leaps and bounds you have made within your lives together and how you seriously truly honestly could not be without you each.
Sex, again I am sure other couples have this problem from time to time but what I would say is at least you acknowledge it and recognise that you need to improve that area. Your already half way there by admitting there is a problem.

KatLovesCats Tue 07-Mar-17 11:32:42

I miss wanting sex but I just don't. I feel like we're friends - we certainly make each other laugh - and great co-parents but not much more. We're both out of shape at the moment due to the exhaustion just sleep DS you're the cause of all our problems ahrg so I often look at him clothed and fancy the fuck out of him but less so when he's undressed blush but I don't feel confident either tbh. When we move we'll have babysitting on tap from multiple relatives and are both planning to hit the gym so maybe that could be something we could do together?

I definitely can't see the wood for the trees at the moment. Being alone would be easier than this. I want things to get better but when you're in the thick of it it's hard to believe that anything will make a difference.

Moanyoldcow your situation sounds very similar to ours so your post gives me hope, thank you flowers

scottishdiem hopefully a lot of the stress will be over soon. Part of it is that we live somewhere awful and moving stress which will both obviously be over once we've moved. DH is looking for a new job - stress. I am retraining whilst looking after DS full time - stress. We do actively try to spend time together and I enjoy his company and want more than this and I'm scared we won't ever get there.

Kelsar hopefully you're right; I find it hard to believe that things will actually get better even though we're trying to make them better if that makes any sense.

Moanyoldcow Tue 07-Mar-17 11:52:39

If you want to PM me with any questions please do - I remember how awful I felt for ages and really wasn't sure how I'd get out of the hole.

Children has changed so much about our relationship but we really are back to where we were - I just didn't think it would be possible and it didn't take THAT long - you just need to be committed and talk things through really well.

Incidentally, a lot of our stuff started when we moved house - it is a very stressful time.

scottishdiem Tue 07-Mar-17 14:17:23

If you are looking for a marriage that is like a permentant honeymoon stage then that is very rare and you need to dial back at least one or two of your expectations, especially since you have so much in your life that isnt 100% partner related. Does he have the same dim view of you without your clothes as you seem to have of him. If so, the gym idea could be a good one.

That said, if your relationship is focussed on that then you are going to get disappointed as you both age. Things become naturally saggier and flabby. If you dont fancy him now with extra weight will you in future when you are older?

As others have said on different threads, there is an element of not doing the sex thing then results in more not doing the sex thing. You need to spend time together and reconnect. If you cant do that cause you dont fancy his body then you need to think about what it is you want.

(there is a disclaimer here in that has he put on a tremendous amount of weight which is different? I dont think so cause you mention you still fancy him when he is dressed. Your margin of error for fancying someone seems very very tight and will be a problem when you both get older).

Kelsar Tue 07-Mar-17 21:59:35

All you can do is try.
Do you communicate well??

Dadaist Tue 07-Mar-17 23:36:11

Here you go OP - your possibly just a bit too comfortable ?

m.youtube.com/watch?v=dh43cVtfMYs

Emptynestermum Wed 08-Mar-17 05:10:37

Kat the grass is definitely not greener on the other side. It's not a good time to make big decisions / changes when your life is full of stress and you are exhausted.

You are in the middle of a bad patch which is a horrid place to be. But it sounds like what you have is worth keeping, or at least sticking with until the move / job stresses are gone and you are on an even keel and in a better place to made a proper decision. Toddlers are completely full on take all your energies, but they soon become school age ...at which time your life will be very different and the house move and new job stresses will have eased away. And it will certainly help that you will have babysitting on tap once in the new place. smile My advice would be to stick with it. xxx

KatLovesCats Thu 09-Mar-17 12:34:42

Ironically I think talking about it with him has made us feel closer as there was some actual sexual interaction last night! Thank you all for your input. I am starting to feel like we will maybe come out of he other side of this after all.

Kelsar Fri 10-Mar-17 23:51:26

I am so glad you are feeling better.

Perdyboo Sat 11-Mar-17 15:09:04

What emptynester said! Me and himself have 2dc, littlest is 6 and through his toddler years with us both working FT and juggling needs with eldest too, it was - and can still be- a massive success to meet on the sofa about 9 or 930 and hold hands for 10 mins before one of us falls asleep (usually me).
I think if you are still laughing and still fancy each other it's the small things that make the sticking glue like a squeeze of the hand, a cup of tea, pairing the socks up!! And as you have stated, clear talking about it gets you places and reaffirms the team - I remember one point where I think we both felt a bit like islands and it really could have broken us. I'm glad you are feeling better and continue to do so. Xxx

GotToGetMyFingerOut Sat 11-Mar-17 15:25:02

The only way to feel close again is to have sexual contact. The more you have it the more you want it and the better you feel.

I can assure you I felt like this with all three of my children. Now they finally sleep all night and the exhaustions gone it's so much better. Also sorting out your confidence and self esteem helps a lot too. When I gain weight I find myself not feeling as attractive and therefore avoid sex. The most important thing is you are still getting on and having a laugh and parenting well and spending time alone together and you do have moments of 'fancying fuck'out him. That's the main foundation for a good relationship. Just give yourself time just now you have a lot going on and I do think rushing into splitting up could be a mistake. Relationships do need to be worked on and nurtured. Good luck. You will ger there.

Hacpac Sat 11-Mar-17 16:02:47

I've been through this from the other side. My DW was feeling like you and I was feeling the same about her: I reckon we were 3-6 months away from splitting up had we carried on the way we were as neither of us were feeling it anymore.

We talked about it and I really laid my cards on the table which was a bit upsetting for her as she really didn't think we would ever split up despite her not being terribly happy. It would have been me to instigate this as I could not live like this for another 30 years or more.

Since then we have both made more of an effort with each other, appreciating each other and have got things back on track. Not perfect but better.

Good luck!

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