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Money - no access to accounts and debt.

(20 Posts)
dulcostar Mon 06-Mar-17 15:14:04

Just wondering if anyone is in a similar predicament, or advice on this one?

Dh and I changed back accounts perhaps 4 years ago. We were set to get a joint account but I didn't have any ID since getting married, so dh took one out in his own name. He also took a savings account in his name and all of my money gets paid into his main one.
I do have rough ideas of how much money goes in but I'm not 100% sure. I don't know dates of when dd's come out and if I want to know how much money is in the account I have to ask him.
Found out a few weeks ago from his friend he was putting money away which he never told me about but when I asked him he became really annoyed saying he wanted to surprise me and take us away on holiday. When I asked this week how much we had in the savings he told me he was annoyed at my reaction so he stopped saving and there was nothing in it! He often has a secret 'stash' and I hate it because I will often struggle and not be able to buy things for dc or the home then he will whip out his 'stash' for something else and I get annoyed because I could have used it for things we needed and he had me stressing and worrying about money for nothing.
I don't have the password for his online banking, he won't set it up on the main pc or on my phone. If I really need to go somewhere he will give me the debit card
I am constantly asking for him to let me go on as a joint account holder or at least set up the online banking so I can see it but there's always an excuse and it always seems to be my fault.
I was really struggling before Xmas and asked him if I was allowed to open a very account and he went mad saying we're in debt because of me etc. I had no debt whatsoever when we first got together and I worked in a bank. I got a loan back then which was spent frivolously on things he wanted or for the home, and any credit I've gotten since is always for him, expensive clothes, trainers, phones, computers etc.
I'm not allowed to open a next account to buy the children much needed clothes, but he's allowed to apply for credit for things for his expensive hobby. We are in dire need for flooring and a new bed for our dd. Instead he saved up 1300 to spend something on his hobby and he borrowed another 700 from my dad which he hasn't paid back at all in 4 months. I had to borrow money from my sister for Christmas. He thinks because he sold some of his older hobby equipment then it was his money to spend as he chose, but I could never spend that amount on myself whilst the rest of the family were in need.
Aibu, what else can I do?
Thank you if anyone read through this and thanks in advance for any replies.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:19:12

He's finally abusive and selfish to boot; this is not sounding like a partnership or even an equal team.

Go solo, you will probably be better off, he sounds awful.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:19:25

financially not finally.

mumonashoestring Mon 06-Mar-17 15:26:45

First off, get yourself a bank account sorted. If you haven't updated your driving license or applied for a passport since marriage then any existing form of ID such as a birth certificate plus a marriage certificate and some proof of address (council tax bill for example) should be acceptable forms of ID.

all of my money gets paid into his main one

Well there's your first step - what money are you talking about and how much? If it's wages, get your payroll department to start paying your salary in to your account. Same for benefits. If this is going to leave him short for money to pay bills then he needs to explain what the bills are, how much goes out, how much is left etc. If you know how much he brings in per month you should be able to work out if there's enough to cover household bills or not. Tell your parents not to lend anything else to him - ask them to buy things for the DC if needed but never to hand over/transfer cash as it's not clear whether it'll be used for debt repayments.

If he'll give you the debit card, take it regularly and ask cashpoints for a mini statement, that will start to let you build up a bit of a picture when it comes to outgoings.

riceuten Mon 06-Mar-17 15:26:51

He is abusing you financially and he's stolen your savings. There's no easier way to put it. His bluster and aggression is because you've sussed him out.

Leave him.

notangelinajolie Mon 06-Mar-17 16:04:18

OP - get a mini statement from the cash till each time you have his card. You will be able to work out what goes in and when it goes out.

Presuming you know your own income/child benefit etc. Start from there.

The mortgage - if it is a joint mortgage you can ask the bank.

Council tax - easy. Find out what band you are in - the bands are all set at a fixed amount and it's no big secret. Ask the Council or if you live in a similar house to your neighbours ask them.

Make a spread sheet. If everything is paid by direct debit it really shouldn't be difficult to get a clear picture - it may take a few visits to the cash till but you will eventually have all the info you need.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 06-Mar-17 16:15:04

What do you get out of this now?.

He is financially abusive and your children are also suffering as a result of this type of abuse. It is truly insidious in its onset.

Financial abuse is another form of domestic abuse and is rooted in power and control. He wants absolute. This may also be limiting access to money or other resources, or by forcing all financial responsibility onto their victim while limiting their ability to provide this.

Financial abuse may include:-
Taking money from them
Not allowing them access to shared money
Making them account for everything spent
Making them beg for money
Preventing them from gaining employment
Causing them to lose, or forcing them to give up, employment
Taking out loans, credit cards or running up debts in the victim’s name
Forcing them to commit crimes for money
Not allowing them to buy necessities, for themselves or their children, including sufficient food
Financial abuse can also be when the perpetrator is spending money needed to maintain the home on themselves

Financially abusive men are rarely solely financially abusive; does he verbally abuse or emotionally abuse you as well?. It would not surprise me if he is also abusive in other ways too.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.
Such men do not change. Leaving him is an option that needs your serious consideration now. He has put you in debt and stole your savings; all are actions of a financially abusive individual.

Womens Aid are also worth talking to on 0808 2000 247. Put plans in motion now to leave and leave safely.

dulcostar Mon 06-Mar-17 17:01:44

This is where I think things are so confusing.
He will tell me the balance, but only if I ask and ask him.
He does however tell me that if I want something he has no problem of me getting it, and I should spend more on myself. I just couldn't bring myself to.
If I mention I couldn't get the kids clothes he just says 'there was money in the account you could have bought them' as if it was my fault, but I didn't know how much was there or when the next payment was going in.
I do have mental health problems, and I do feel he gets inside my head. Sometimes he will tease me about it. Other times no matter what arguement we have it always seems to be twisted to be my fault but I get that confused over things I don't know if it actually is or not.
There is a lot more going on this is probably just the tip of the iceburg. I feel to blame for everything though. He resents me having my illness and says things haven't been happy because of it for years.
Everyone who knows him thinks he is the nicest most amazing selfless man.
Maybe it is all me. I do love him but maybe I'm just making him really unhappy after all.

Imi22sleeping Mon 06-Mar-17 17:18:55

Men are knobs

mumonashoestring Mon 06-Mar-17 17:43:56

* do have mental health problems, and I do feel he gets inside my head. Sometimes he will tease me about it*

Mother of god what an arsehole. The whole point is you should know that you can spend the money because you should be able to check the account whenever you need to and know exactly what's available.

It's easy to say 'oh you should spend more on yourself' - it's a nice easy get out for abusive partners because they can say they've been generous whilst knowing that, practically speaking, they've done nothing to put themselves out. He's no better than the men who insist their wife gets a job whilst refusing to help with childcare, then says 'well if you got a job like I keep telling you to we'd have more money' angry

If he was the amazing selfless man he makes himself out to be then your illness would be something that you overcame/worked around together, not something to beat you over the head with.

kath6144 Mon 06-Mar-17 17:53:23

he is the nicest most amazing selfless man

But he isnt is he - he is financially abusive.

As other pp have said, please start by having your own bank account and putting your money in your account. Then open your own savings account.

Maybe it is all me - No, No, No - the only thing you have done wrong is putting your money into his account. Open your own account and start managing your own money.

Also think seriously about whether you want to be with someone who is financially abusive. I certainly wouldn't, but then I wouldn't have allowed this situation to arise in the first place.

Why do women let themselves be treated like this?

There is no way on this planet my salary would go into an account that my name is not on! We have had joint accounts from day one, each know all passwords, I know what he has in his individual ISA accounts, and vis versa, we talk about finances.

Please don't let this situation continue, it is not healthy. Apart from anything else, if he dies, you will have no access to money until probate is given, which can take months. Could you live without any money for months?

riceuten Mon 06-Mar-17 18:38:26

You're just making excuses for him. He's nicked your money. Which part of this are you struggling with ? He's not a "nice" person - nice people don't do what he's done. You are just getting the crumbs from his table. If you have come here expecting people to back you up and make excuses for him, you've come to the wrong place.

Leave him.

SparklyMagpie Mon 06-Mar-17 18:49:48

Get a standard bank account set up for you asap!

His reaction will prove it all

But seriously, go and get it sorted before anything. I couldn't be with a twat like this either

SookiesSocks Mon 06-Mar-17 18:55:02

Ask him for the passwords. If he refuses then you have your answer....he is controlling you financially.

If that money really is yours too then he should have no problem with you accessing the accounts.
If he wont give them ask why and dont stop asking why until he tells you the answer.

ijustwannadance Mon 06-Mar-17 19:00:17

I would be very worried about the amount of secret debt he may have run up too. Even if you split that would also be your debt.
From supposedly having savings yet lending money off your parents.

dulcostar Tue 07-Mar-17 15:03:05

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I am just so confused.

I never wanted to admit this on here but I'm on benefits because I'm disabled, and I also have one child with SN.

The only money that goes in to the account is mine, pip, esa, tax credits and child benefit. My husband gets carers allowance.

The 'savings' only ever amount to a couple of hundred quid, hence my dh borrowing from my parents. It makes me feel sick money like that being silent when my SN child needs new flooring and a new bed.

Dh had to give up his job to look after me. He has become depressed too and that is my fault.

I don't know how to make him happy. He's right that he we don't have a happy home. He's been going to a college this year and I'm trying not to make it hard for him. He expects me to do so much in the house when I physically can't, even though I could probably do more sometimes my mental health prevents me rather than my physical. I get no help I'm struggling so much. I need to get a food shop ordered online but I don't know how much I can buy and he won't be happy I haven't got food for dinner. He'll have to drive to the shop later he always has to drive places and take the kids to their clubs for me and he says it's very stressful and he never gets a break.

I feel I am affecting everyone and making everyone worse, they'd all be better if I wasn't here.

Sometimes I wish he didn't love me so he could leave and find someone to make him happy. He says he has thought about leaving we have lengthy talks, things are going to change etc but they never do. He barely even stays in the same room as me.

I have tried everything in my power to get better, I am seeing so many doctors and professionals, on a lot of medication, voluntary councillors etc etc but he won't see anyone. I honestly don't know what else I can do.

I mentioned trying relate again as we did a few years ago but he doesn't want to as all they focused on was me and my conditions, he said it was all about me.

What if I've made my children as unhappy as I've made him.

I shouldn't even be here I can't cope and dragging everyone down with me.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 07-Mar-17 15:41:45

Of course you should be here.
You do need to stop thinking like that.
There's nothing to 'admit' to.
So you are on benefits.
Good, that is exactly what benefits are for.
People who need them and you clearly do.
Nothing wrong with that at all!
So one step at a time.
You need to do an online shop.
Ask him right now what the balance is and what you can spend today on shopping.
That should NOT be hard but he seems to make it hard for you.
Ask him now and then do your online shop.
Your DC love and need you!!!!

notangelinajolie Tue 07-Mar-17 16:56:44

I don't know about the other benefits you receive but I do know Child Benefit is usually paid to the mother so I don't understand how/why it is being paid into a bank account that doesn't have your name on it. Is this even allowed?

You need to do one thing at a time. Do the online shop and order what you need to for tea. Then later tell your DH you need to work out a food budget together and stick to it. You will then know how much you have to spend each week. And then sit down and discuss the rest flowers

Don't be hard on yourself - keep it simple and sort one problem at a time.

HappyH3roe17 Tue 07-Mar-17 21:29:54

Open a simple bank account eg post office I think you need 2 forms of ID

Get your salary paid into that account

Ask to see how much monthly bills and pay half

Pay your bills first, spend some, save some into your own savings account

dulcostar Wed 08-Mar-17 00:39:46

Thank you all.
My mil came round with things to make us dinner in the end and dh went to the shop himself.

I've no way of getting to a bank or post office myself, and i only have a citizen card for id - to get a drivers license or passport I'd have to spend a lot of money which id have to ask for which defeats the purpose.

I'm failing to see a point in any of this anymore. I'm honestly the worst I've ever been right now.

The financial side isn't even the worst of things. It annoys me and confused me and he knows this but it won't change. He'll just say it's my fault for not getting id and I should know what's in there.

Everything else is just piling on top of me and I can't cope. He always seems so distant or that I'm just annoying him all the time.

I'm lot imagining it all it isn't all in my head. I forget things and do things wrong but he can't see I can't help this.

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