Just wondering if anyone is in a similar predicament, or advice on this one?
Dh and I changed back accounts perhaps 4 years ago. We were set to get a joint account but I didn't have any ID since getting married, so dh took one out in his own name. He also took a savings account in his name and all of my money gets paid into his main one.
I do have rough ideas of how much money goes in but I'm not 100% sure. I don't know dates of when dd's come out and if I want to know how much money is in the account I have to ask him.
Found out a few weeks ago from his friend he was putting money away which he never told me about but when I asked him he became really annoyed saying he wanted to surprise me and take us away on holiday. When I asked this week how much we had in the savings he told me he was annoyed at my reaction so he stopped saving and there was nothing in it! He often has a secret 'stash' and I hate it because I will often struggle and not be able to buy things for dc or the home then he will whip out his 'stash' for something else and I get annoyed because I could have used it for things we needed and he had me stressing and worrying about money for nothing.
I don't have the password for his online banking, he won't set it up on the main pc or on my phone. If I really need to go somewhere he will give me the debit card
I am constantly asking for him to let me go on as a joint account holder or at least set up the online banking so I can see it but there's always an excuse and it always seems to be my fault.
I was really struggling before Xmas and asked him if I was allowed to open a very account and he went mad saying we're in debt because of me etc. I had no debt whatsoever when we first got together and I worked in a bank. I got a loan back then which was spent frivolously on things he wanted or for the home, and any credit I've gotten since is always for him, expensive clothes, trainers, phones, computers etc.
I'm not allowed to open a next account to buy the children much needed clothes, but he's allowed to apply for credit for things for his expensive hobby. We are in dire need for flooring and a new bed for our dd. Instead he saved up 1300 to spend something on his hobby and he borrowed another 700 from my dad which he hasn't paid back at all in 4 months. I had to borrow money from my sister for Christmas. He thinks because he sold some of his older hobby equipment then it was his money to spend as he chose, but I could never spend that amount on myself whilst the rest of the family were in need.
Aibu, what else can I do?
Thank you if anyone read through this and thanks in advance for any replies.
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Money - no access to accounts and debt.
dulcostar · 06/03/2017 15:14
do have mental health problems, and I do feel he gets inside my head. Sometimes he will tease me about it
Mother of god what an arsehole. The whole point is you should know that you can spend the money because you should be able to check the account whenever you need to and know exactly what's available.
It's easy to say 'oh you should spend more on yourself' - it's a nice easy get out for abusive partners because they can say they've been generous whilst knowing that, practically speaking, they've done nothing to put themselves out. He's no better than the men who insist their wife gets a job whilst refusing to help with childcare, then says 'well if you got a job like I keep telling you to we'd have more money' 
If he was the amazing selfless man he makes himself out to be then your illness would be something that you overcame/worked around together, not something to beat you over the head with.
I don't know about the other benefits you receive but I do know Child Benefit is usually paid to the mother so I don't understand how/why it is being paid into a bank account that doesn't have your name on it. Is this even allowed?
You need to do one thing at a time. Do the online shop and order what you need to for tea. Then later tell your DH you need to work out a food budget together and stick to it. You will then know how much you have to spend each week. And then sit down and discuss the rest 
Don't be hard on yourself - keep it simple and sort one problem at a time.
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