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Aftermath of emotional affair

(64 Posts)
Paperdoll16 Mon 06-Mar-17 14:59:25

This is my first post. I have been reading so many threads but am going around in circles beating myself up as to why I wasn't good enough.

I found out my H had been having a 9 month secret relationship with a previous colleague that involved texting, phone calls, sending photos (selfies apparently), talking about their relationships and how poor they were on several occasions (I had no idea it was until she told me- I'll get to that), and of course the getting to know one another that was mainly on Snapchat (no history of course, but she was his best friend on there once I got into the account) and a good few thousand snaps sent!! I've learned chats aren't even counted.

I found a conversation on his work phone that was kept in the car overnight. I went crazy and also learned that she had blocked me on every social media platform despite not knowing she existed until this point.

My H said it was all innocent texts, infrequent and a general catch up. I logged into his phone bills and found that he had been calling her during his journeys to and from work and even one night at 10pm when I was on a night shift whilst the DC were in bed.

I made contact with her and she appeared to be honest in telling me they had a lot in common (poor relationships) and that they supported one another etc., she told me some really hurtful things that he had said to her and she seemed to know a lot about my life. I think she told me because she didn't want me to tell her partner.

What I don't understand is that she is only 22. Ten years younger that H. No kids, no marriage or life experience. I don't think it was the marriage counselling he saw in her. Perhaps the fact she is a very attractive lady who I have since found out exchanged naked photos to another male colleague of my H's whose fiancee is just as devestated as me. She found out pretty sharpish though. I feel like a mug. Nine months of secrecy and betrayal.

This all happened before Christmas and I have tried many times to try and make a go of it again. However, I am having so many cycling feelings of hurt, anger, resent, disbelief, feeling like I don't know the true extent as he has done all of the gas lighting, minimising, denying etc etc nothing has come from him voluntarily. She has told me most things. Or I have found it (he denied ever calling her!!).

He believes that because he always loved me and didn't meet up with her etc then it isn't cheating. He admits it was wrong and is full of remorse but he didn't ever stop it. He also continues to minimise it despite some of the evidence I have.

How could he confide in her when I felt like we were such soul mates? We had a good marriage, or so I felt. Good sex life, although he told her we didn't do it much and that the spark had gone.

I really don't know what I'm asking for on here. I just feel better for writing it down. I think it's come to the end of the road for us when the year of 2016 has all been a lie.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

HouseworkIsASin10 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:06:11

I would feel so betrayed. I couldn't and wouldn't continue with that relationship. Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, so that would be it.

user1486737884 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:06:42

It would be the end of the road for me too, I couldn't cope with that amount of betrayal.
I would never trust him again and I wouldn't want to turn into the person that would make me become. I'm worth far more than that, as are you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Happybunny19 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:06:51

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds heartbreaking. I don't have experience of this but can't imagine being able to get over that level of betrayal either. Sending you hugs

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:07:32

That is awful, and I am sorry OP but of course it is cheating, it's the worst betrayal possible from a partner, he's obviously been slagging you off to her; I'd also bet sex was involved, it was 9 months after all, it's an affair anyways and not a ONS so for me it would have to be over; if that's what he does to you when he loves you I'd hate to think what happens when you two aren't getting on; he's one of life's opportunists I'm afraid, I'd not trust him again, how can you, he cheats on you when all is fine.

sweetchilli77 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:27:35

This is awful...
I think an emotional affair is far more destroying than say a one night stand. All for the reasons you have said above.

The fact also he's chose to continue with it and played your marriage down to his own advantage is a no brainer for me.
Its easy for me to say LTB as ive never been in this situation but i know the lack of trust would kill us in the end....

Hope you find your way OP

SandyY2K Mon 06-Mar-17 15:32:15

If he's minimising, he isn't remorseful. That could be because he feels you aren't going to leave him, so he can behave anyhow he likes, safe in the knowledge that you're going nowhere.

I'd bring him into reality and make him realise otherwise.

The thought of divorce is the only thing to shake some WSs up.

Paperdoll16 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:38:44

I know that sex wasn't involved. I'm not sure that wasn't being planned though. I have found more than he realises.

He has definitely changed his story a few times too, depending on how I am reacting. She told me he called her beautiful and gorgeous too. Hardly the innocent 'talking about work' text he proclaims.

I honestly do not trust him. I have become obsessed with their relationship. What he's up to on his phone etc etc I'm so heartbroken 💔

wannabestressfree Mon 06-Mar-17 15:43:57

I would get rid too it's a much more in depth relationship than a ons even if it's still cock led. I couldn't forgive the talking about me to someone nor forgive the lack of truth on his part.
I know it's hard but do you always want to be looking over your shoulder?

apostle51 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:55:44

Paperdoll, I had a similar experience last year, my wife had an EA for 3 or 4 months and I feel pretty similar to how you describe. I'm at work at the mo but will post later about my experience and what's happening now. Big hugs.xx

AshesandDust Mon 06-Mar-17 16:02:28

How awful for you, OP.
When he's with her he's not on your team, is he - he throws
you under the bus to keep his ego stroker on side. I wouldn't
be able to get past that.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:05:02

Get him gone OP, if you can, you are just going to torture yourself otherwise and you now deep down he's fucked the trust, there's no relationship left now; his level of deceit, contempt and disrespect has made sure of that.

So sorry, you must know you deserve better than this; please give him a consequence; I am so tired of seeing these stories on here and women just accepting the script and then being forced to move on.

Do what SUITS you, not him, he's no rights anymore about the relationship.

THC63 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:06:15

Making a go of it is not compulsory. Everyone has different standards and for many this would be the end. That's fine. That's the risk he took when he did this. So many women seem to have their default button set to must make a go of it. You don't have to if you feel that you don't want to.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster Mon 06-Mar-17 16:32:10

He's not being honest with you, you have no reason to trust him. If he wanted it to work he needs to be a completely open book as well as break off contact. No more texts etc. His remorse means nothing. You can't continue while he behaves this way. He had to take responsibility.

TheNaze73 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:52:55

His behaviour is shocking & you deserve better. EA's are as bad as physical & they'd be no come back for anyone who stuck two fingers up at me like that

nigelforgotthepassword Mon 06-Mar-17 17:00:04

My stbexh had an emotional affair with a colleague.He denied it at the time and still does to this day.He can offer no explanations for the 5am phone calls, the late night text messages, the actual bringing her out with our friends and how uncomfortable it made me feel-In his head if he hadnt shagged her it didn't count.We had two small
Kids at the time and I was working full time. Until then I had supported him and his career at the expense of mine, and loved him unconditionally.We limped on for a few more years but I could never quite get over the betrayal of it and the feeling of being second best, and not his priority when all the time he had been mine.And the minimising. If he had acknowledged it and stopped lying it might have helped but he didn't-that made it even worse.
I think in order to get over it you need total honesty from him and you both, but him in particular, need to make a shit ton of effort to get back on track.Do you think he would be prepared to do that op?

Paperdoll16 Mon 06-Mar-17 18:02:39

Thanks for all of your replies.

He honestly believes that because he tells me he loves me, that that is enough. And I should take how he will treat me with this day going forwards. But I am not the same person anymore. I am reminded of it every day. Of their secret conversations but again he tells me it wasn't every day so it wasn't that bad. I'll never really know the truth. He has had moments of telling the truth and then he's gone back on it in a later conversation almost convincing himself that it's now the truth. I know that the trust is beyond repair because he only stopped this once I caught him out.

nigelforgotthepassword Mon 06-Mar-17 20:51:45

Yes, mine did that-he admitted it once and then took it back later. It's a huge headfuck.
Sometimes I think it's because they regret it and because in their head 'nothing actually Happened' they can compartmentalise it.But it's the emotional stuff that really hurts.
Have you thought about counselling? Would he agree to it?

Paperdoll16 Tue 07-Mar-17 07:20:44

He initiated and booked counselling through relate. We went for one session but the counsellor implied I had trust issues in the relationship and that this 'friendship' (that he maintained was never on a level beyond that) was only hidden because of my potential reaction. I walked out even more annoyed than before and £50 worse off! 😩

SweetieBaby Tue 07-Mar-17 07:59:07

OP you could be describing my situation except that it lasted for 4 years.

I am nearly one year on and still feel how you do. We thought that we could get through it ourselves but I've come to realise that I can't and we have arranged counselling. I don't know what the outcome will be. I want to save the marriage, as does he, but I'm scared that too much damage has been done.

Apparently my DH started his EA because he needed help to cope with me being diagnosed with a chronic health condition. This is getting worse now and I can't deal with the constant thoughts that he will be seeking support again!!!! The feelings of violation that such personal details of my life were shared with someone else devastates me.

I can't offer too much advice other than to encourage you to figure out what it is that you want. Many people on here will say get rid of him, and maybe for them that is right. But if you feel that you want to try again, then don't worry what others think.

Just make sure you do what is right for you, and not what is right for everyone else. Take your time.

And I'm sorry. I've found a lot of support on here and more importantly validation for my feelings, especially when DH tries to imply that I'm being too sensitive.

Alfiemoon1 Tue 07-Mar-17 09:08:17

Big hugs paper doll. I am currently dealing with a similar situation with dh who doesn't seem to understand the effects it has had on our marriage and insists it was purely a friendship as they didn't have sex and weren't sexting. He has broken the trust by deleting texts having secret phone calls in the middle of the night and by discussing our marriage with her basically everything I said went back to her but anything she said was confidential apparently. I am currently trying to save our marriage not sure if we can though as what happened is always at the back of my mind

Paperdoll16 Tue 07-Mar-17 09:48:57

Sweetiebaby and alfiemoon I'm sorry to read you're both going through this too. I don't think they understand the huge impact it has and devastation it causes. You have both described how the feelings are still there, in the back of your mind. After almost four months I'm still so consumed by it all. Its there the minute I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep. I don't want to be feeling like this in a years time too. I have to try and get through the significant dates and months of this year that will remind me of what he was up to only th year before. For example the phone calls he made to her on the anniversary of my mothers death. There was no phone call to me that day as we had fallen out.

This unfortunately is not the first time for me. Although previously on a much lesser involvement I have found messages to other women before, including a holiday rep he had saved in his phone under a few letters, messaging her saying he would be coming back to Ibiza in a few months with a 😜! He did this whilst I was falling asleep in bed next to him!!! I forgave that as a moment of madness but this is just something else.

Nine years of feeling like I had such a wonderful man by my side; a kind husband and hands on father, but he cannot help needing external attention from very attractive women.

He has crushed my self confidence despite feeling like I look after myself. I wasn't enough.

I have tried for nearly four months to make a go of it but there are still things I know he is lying about; he had taken a photo of himself on his iPhone and sent it to his work phone. I have never seen this photo, ever. He had his top off and my fucking bed was in the background! He had had another part of his sleeve (tattoo) done and apparently they talked about tattoos a lot!! I found the image on his work phone after finding out as it was in a weird one drive thing that had saved some files. The image had been deleted from his photo roll and wasn't in the messages either. He maintains that he didn't send this but why else would someone go to such lengths to send themselves an image to a phone used for work and delete its trail everywhere else?!

He has ruined us. The trust. The closeness. Everything.

Adora10 Tue 07-Mar-17 10:15:35

Yes he has OP and I'm not sure how you carry on with a man who is constantly looking for ego stroking from outside women; not a life I'd fancy, you should give yourself time to see if perhaps he's not the one after all.

nigelforgotthepassword Tue 07-Mar-17 10:41:17

Why indeed? He's not telling the truth then op-which won't help.
That counsellor sounds helpful hmm.
Not sure what else to suggest really-by you do have my sympathies-I'm sure there are people that could just get over this and not let it eat away at them-but I'm not one of them and I think lots of people can't live with this level of constant worry.

user1479305498 Tue 07-Mar-17 12:12:32

I totally understand paper doll. Im still trying to "get over" the fact 11 years ago (and discovered 3 months ago) that my husband wrote songs and recorded them too (we work in music) and left piles of lyrics around in his offoce drawer--all were written for a 21 year old assistant of ours at the time who toured the world with him. He says not a PA, it was in his head, an escape, a fantasy. We have been married 20 years.He was clearly "in love", he says she had no idea. Last year I too then had him over texting and whatsapping with current assistant who is single mum of 42. Ive seen nothing dodgy but it was way OTT (she is like this, Im pretty sure it was her initiating as she does it with me too-- I just ignore her a lot of the time unless its about work. Thi is an intelligent middle class guy, quite an introvert in many ways, certainly bot the kind of guy who is an obvious womanizer. As another lady says, this crap is on my mind first thing, last thing and in between I have to run our business. Luckily our son has now left home , so if I make a decision its only about me but in my case its likley I lose my job as we work together. Im still unsure but I do know that the trust is gone and he really wants it totally swept under the carpet, to him its old news, he really really doesntw ant it discussed. I have ended up having IC because of it and my counsellor says if I can sort out the practical stuff she thinks Im not going to ever accept it as ok and I will never think of him the same. As she said to me, you can care about someone, not hate them but not be prepared to live with their actions. However as she did say too, even if you leave, what they did goes with you but may lessen as your life changes.

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