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Name deal breaker?

(43 Posts)
cuddlesandchips Mon 06-Mar-17 13:23:26

DP and I both married before - me divorced, him widowed. The subject of marriage came up as we are expecting DC (each have 1 DC from first marriages).

He's reluctant to get married as he knows I don't want to take his name (e.g. will be different to my DC but same as his, already had a 'Mrs DP'). I know he is BU but I am really hurt that he doesn't want to marry me as if I don't change my name then 'nothing changes'.

I've countered by saying that if that's the case, why don't I revert to my maiden name and my DC has her dad's name, his DC has his name and then 'our' DC can have my 'new name'.

Can anyone foresee issues I need to address? As much as it would resolve the situation, I don't want to just let our DC have his surname especially as unmarried.

whattodowiththepoo Mon 06-Mar-17 13:30:09

Sorry I'm a bit confused, do you have your ex husbands name at the moment? I could understand him not wanting your dc with him having your exs name. Why won't you take his name or let your dc have his name?

GummyGoddess Mon 06-Mar-17 13:33:48

I had this argument for years and just kept pointing out what a ridiculous double standard it was and that his name was not more important than mine. He eventually got it and realised he was being silly. Baby has double barrelled surname.

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 06-Mar-17 13:36:54

I think that if the only reason he doesn't want to get married is because you won't change your name to his, then he is being unreasonable. What any future children of both of yours is called is a separate issue again. They could have your maiden name double barrelled with your DPs surname, if you like.

cuddlesandchips Mon 06-Mar-17 13:38:33

I kept XH surname on the basis that my existing DC had it.

As we are unmarried I do not want our DC to solely have his name.

The double standards is what is upsetting me - naming convention when married has been followed so far but as we are unmarried then naming convention suggests baby should have my name.

The issue is it is XH name so I understand why DP is not happy, he's also against double barrelled for same reason.

I don't want to change my name to his and be Mr and Mrs DP and two DC with same surname but my existing DC be different (her dad will not change her name and I don't expect him too)

cuddlesandchips Mon 06-Mar-17 13:39:40

Wow I've confused myself!

Bluntness100 Mon 06-Mar-17 13:39:50

I'd more likely do a double barrelled surname for your child , his and yours. However am I right in saying uou still use your married name and don't want to change it even though you're divorced and wish to remarry?

ElspethFlashman Mon 06-Mar-17 13:42:13

I would change my name back to my maiden name and give it to the child.

I know some people wouldn't care, but I don't think I could give my child the surname of an ex he/she was not related to.

scottishdiem Mon 06-Mar-17 13:44:24

If its your exhusbands I can see why he doesnt want to you to retain that whilst married to him and can see why he is unhappy that you dont want to do what you did previously (e.g. you changed for him, why not me).

Can you double barrel your maiden name & his surname for you both and/or the new child?

FATEdestiny Mon 06-Mar-17 13:44:30

How about making up a completely new surname?

I know someone who merged their surnames to make a different (perfectly normal, not a made-up word) surname. I know others who just chose a completely new surname unrelated to their previous names.

Then your DC have their surname
His DC have their surname
You, DH and new baby have the "new" surname.

Better still - change all of the children's names to the new surname, to fully blend the family.

But..

If the only reason he won't commit to marriage is becaise of your refusal to change names, don't marry him. Indeed having his child maybe wasn't the best idea.

scottishdiem Mon 06-Mar-17 13:46:16

To be honest I wouldnt marry someone who was keeping the name of their ex.

Suspendersformybelief Mon 06-Mar-17 13:47:22

I completely understand your point of view and it is a major confliction when DP and I speak of getting married. We want a child together too but I wouldn't want me, him and another DC, to have a name that my DD can't have because she has her dad's surname. It would feel like she was excluded from our family.

I think even if it is maybe overthinking it, it's a valid concern about your child's sense of security and it can be worked around rather than just saying 'well tough, we won't get married then'. I think he's being really unreasonable.

I have reverted back to my maiden name since my divorce though so slightly different and I do understand why he wouldn't want you or his new DC to have your old married name.

I think you should stick to your guns, baby has your (maiden) name if unmarried, double-barrelled if you get married.

Did you see the news story about the couple who fought legally for their rights to have a civil partnership? They made up their own surname by mixing their two surnames together!? I like that idea, perhaps not if your OH is traditionally minded though

Bluntness100 Mon 06-Mar-17 13:47:22

Sorry, your proposing giving his kids your ex husbands name? I get you trying to keep it all the same, but I can see why he would not like that.

cuddlesandchips Mon 06-Mar-17 13:47:44

Haha I realise that now FATE He won't change his name full stop. It ironically doesn't double barrel well with anything either.

I am happy to change my name I just kept XH name as it was easier - I just don't necessarily want to change to his for reasons above. He understands why I'm reluctant given I took XH name and now am the one to have to change again!

cuddlesandchips Mon 06-Mar-17 13:50:19

I'm not trying to give our DC my XH name - I can see why that is a no go.

I suggested double barrelling effectively what is our existing DC's names so that they each shared a part with their sibling but that got vetoed too.

cuddlesandchips Mon 06-Mar-17 13:52:37

Plus my maiden name is shit otherwise I'd have gone back to that already... in fact, were it not so shit I'd have kept it first time around'

Suspendersformybelief Mon 06-Mar-17 13:53:02

Why do any of you have to change though?

So to be completely clear, he won't marry you if you don't change your name to HIS name? Full stop?

If you change back to your maiden name and keep it after being married because you don't want to exclude your DC, he won't marry you?

AssassinatedBeauty Mon 06-Mar-17 13:55:44

So he is completely inflexible then? He will not accept anything other than you taking his surname, and your child together having his surname? He hasn't had to compromise - when he was married he got to keep his name and also use that name for his first child.

cuddlesandchips Mon 06-Mar-17 13:56:33

He struggling to get his head around why I don't want to change to his name. It's not an ultimatum and he realises that while he holds these views it's not happening anyway!!

I quite like the idea of having my 'own name' and just going with that. DP, XH and my parents have all expressed an opinion so I'm tempted to change it anyway to my own choice as a statement that none of them own me!

SeeMyVest Mon 06-Mar-17 13:57:05

You want to give your future children your XH name? Even in a double barrel that's unreasonable imo sorry.

SeeMyVest Mon 06-Mar-17 13:58:51

Sorry, I think I got confused. You want to give future DC your maiden name? Well that's fine isn't it?! If he doesn't agree to that he IBU

SeeMyVest Mon 06-Mar-17 13:59:17

It will make passport security interesting grin

cuddlesandchips Mon 06-Mar-17 14:03:58

That's my point SeeMyVest grin

Currently I'd be the one carting around the up to 3 kids with their Dad's names... I'm expected to change my name... admin burden falls on me!

Suspendersformybelief Mon 06-Mar-17 14:06:38

Princess Consuela Bananahammock grin

I think when you're going for a second marriage and blending a family, it's really unhelpful of him to not be open to a compromise. Nothing is ever going to suit everybody perfectly is it, that's the point. You're merging two families and trying to make another. Why should his name trump all the others?

Anyway, I think you've got the right idea

GummyGoddess Mon 06-Mar-17 14:07:33

But it isn't her XH name anymore, it's her name and became hers when she chose it.

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