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I'm broody hubby isn't.

(31 Posts)
Mrsb2010 Mon 06-Mar-17 12:12:26

I'm new to all this and didn't know where to post but considering my story I thought this was as good a place as any.

So after having our dd (3) I had undiagnosed PND that snowballed into full on depression. DD was very clingy, had attachment anxiety and still won't sleep all night in her own bed. We also have a DD(6) who is a little superstar and helps out anyway he can.
My depression got so bad that I convinced myself that my hubby was only here because of our children and didn't actually love me. I felt awful about my weight and looks and made the mistake of being unfaithful to my DH, all because someone paid me the attention my husband wasn't. It all came out and my hubby and I have decided to make our marriage work. This happened in Sept last year and since then we have a new sense of honesty and understanding in our marriage. I'm now receiving counselling and taking AD and feel that my head is clear for the first time in forever.
The only problem I have now is that I'm desperately broody even though I was convinced I wouldn't want anymore. My DH has said point blankly no and that although that could change he doesn't seem to think it will. I ache all day every day and have even gotten to the point of tears when seeing babies/pregnant women while out.

I don't want to keep bringing it up in front of DH because he makes me feel guilty i.e he says he feels bad because he can't give me what I want etc. But I am starting to resent him as he seems so uncaring about how I feel. Am I just being selfish?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 06-Mar-17 12:17:53

You're only being selfish if you think that your desire to have a baby is more important than DH's desire not to.

This is such an impossible issue to compromise on but, if you are to stay together long, can you come to terms with the fact that there will be no DC3?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 06-Mar-17 12:18:33

Sorry "long term" not "long".

Twinkletowedelephant Mon 06-Mar-17 12:20:51

It was the same for me when the twins turned 3 I really really wanted another baby... We had 3 children by then.

Dh only wanted 2. So 3 was a bonus. It lasted about a year before the longing for another baby tailed off. I think it was for me more about having another baby rather than another child, wanting to be pregnant and have a newborn.
I suffered from pretty bad pnd after the twins - at one point I just couldn't understand why dh wouldn't contemplate suicide so we could collect his life insurance and the children would be set up for life.....

Now I see it as not wanting another child but wanting the first few months back with the babies I had.

I am happy now that stopping was the right decision for our family.

ChicRock Mon 06-Mar-17 12:25:06

Yes you are.

It's been less than 6 months since you cheated on your husband, hardly enough time for you to earn back even a basic level of trust let alone enough for him to consider having another child with you.

Mrsb2010 Mon 06-Mar-17 13:35:47

SantasLittleMonkeyButler- If he doesn't change his mind and honestly doesn't want anymore children then I'd accept it noafter how much it hurt. If it came to choosing between another child and my husband, he would win every time.

ChicRock- I know that it's not been very long but I'm not asking for a baby right away, just for him to not completely write it off.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Mon 06-Mar-17 13:37:48

I felt awful about my weight and looks and made the mistake of being unfaithful to my DH, all because someone paid me the attention my husband wasn't.

Sorry but you chose to have an affair. No one made you.

Iamastonished Mon 06-Mar-17 13:39:01

Another baby won't glue your marriage together. If anything it might drive you apart.

Your desire for another baby does not trump his desire not to have one. Please try and be happy with the two you already have. You are lucky that you have one more than I was able to have (due to infertility issues).

Mrsb2010 Mon 06-Mar-17 13:56:59

Pigletwaspoohsfriend. Im totally aware that it was my choice to have SEXUAL CONTACT with someone else. I don't use any excuse for what I did, at the end of the day I should have spoken to my husband about how I was feeling but mentally I wasn't in a good place and chose to be selfish. Please don't post judgement when that's not what I came here for.

scottishdiem Mon 06-Mar-17 14:02:05

I dont think your DH is in a place to commit to that to be honest. Why should he when the last time got so bad for you, you fucked another man?

Its like stabbing him in the back, him taking it out and handing you the knife back with the basic promise of not doing it again.

It can take years to rebuild trust and the thing that you have decided was the cause of the breakdown in trust is something you are wanting him to say ok to at some point?

You need to build up so many levels of trust again before you broach the topic of doing the thing that lead you to breach that trust.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 14:03:21

Your husband is probably still trying to get over the fact that you were unfaithful; good he stayed and you are working on it but I'd put the baby idea out the picture for now; you had an affair, I am not sure you can blame that on depression, it was a choice you made, ok, you were not of sound mind but you still managed an affair - that was a choice OP, not a medical condition causing it, I just do not believe that.

Perhaps things were pretty bad in your marriage, and you were feeling down, put the two together and you give yourself permission to cheat, it happens, but, in all honestly, you need to find out why this was ok because how can you say 100% you won't do it again under similar circumstances.

expatinscotland Mon 06-Mar-17 14:04:52

You need to focus on the two children you have and your marriage rather than another baby.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster Mon 06-Mar-17 14:06:45

But do you care how he feels? You've had an affair, and now you think he's uncaring about how you feel? You sound very self absorbed.

Mrsb2010 Mon 06-Mar-17 14:13:31

Just to clarify, not that it makes much difference, but it was a one time thing not an affair. Nor was it full blown sex. And yes I do care how my husband feels and I'm not self absorbed. I have a better understanding now of the warning signs to my mental health and like I've said before I'm not asking for a baby now just the possibility of more children. And again I'm not here to be judged.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 14:16:14

Not sure why you are here then OP, you've been given good advice but instead are getting arsy with posters; what do you expect, it's MN and you cheated; nobody is going to give you a pat on the back for that, depressed or not.

Perhaps in time, your OH may change his mind, but right now, I think he's enough to deal with.

ijustwannadance Mon 06-Mar-17 14:16:33

Don't forget that your DH had to also deal with all the depression etc you had after having your last child ending with you being unfaithful. No bloody wonder he doesn't want another child. He's seen the possible outcome on your mental health.

It it possible that rather than actual wanting a new baby, you are trying to make up for the bad time you had last time when you didn't get the experience you expected?

scottishdiem Mon 06-Mar-17 14:18:38

You asked "Am I just being selfish?" and the answer is yes. Because you are asking your DH to committ to something he cant and you know exactly why he cant and yet you seem to blame him for this. Yes, you have feelings about this but do you not see that your DH also has feelings and you dont seem to be able to respect those feelings?

ChicRock Mon 06-Mar-17 14:21:15

You do come across as self absorbed, dismissive, minimising and lacking any real insight as to your choice to have a sexual encounter with someone else

6 months after you've been unfaithful, your husbands has made a perfectly reasonable decision - and your bleating about how you're starting to resent him for being uncaring about your selfish desire to have another child, is really quite astonishing.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster Mon 06-Mar-17 14:32:10

6 months after you've been unfaithful, your husbands has made a perfectly reasonable decision - and your bleating about how you're starting to resent him for being uncaring about your selfish desire to have another child, is really quite astonishing

^^This!

Wether you had full blown sex or not is irrelevant. Do you think your DH cares whether it was sex or just sexual contact? It's an affair, you cheated. Regardless of what happened. So you know what, he may not want another baby right now.

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster Mon 06-Mar-17 14:55:29

Do you not think that your DH is worried that you may get depressed again? Or have another affair? Depression is hard for those around you as well.

NerrSnerr Mon 06-Mar-17 14:59:31

The other posters have given good advice. 6 months is absolutely nothing and I know I wouldn't commit to having a child with my husband if he'd been with someone else that recently. If you do keep bringing it up with him you are being selfish, not only does he have to deal with your infidelity he has to deal with feeling bad because you want a baby and he doesn't.

Personally I would see how you feel in a year or so and not mention it in the meantime. If you still want another child then have another conversation, if it's still a no then that's that.

SparklingRaspberry Mon 06-Mar-17 15:39:46

I completely agree with your husband.

It's only been 6 months since you cheated on him. 6 months is nothing, I'm sure the hurt you caused is still raw to him. I don't blame him for not wanting another baby, that's before taking into account all the health issues you've had in the past (PND).

It would be absolutely crazy to have another baby right now.
Concentrate on fixing your marriage and working on yourself before contemplating having another child.

Blackbird82 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:47:16

The thing is OP, the risk of you developing PND again is surely very high. Plus you say your youngest child is needy and doesn't sleep in her own bed. Add to that, being unfaithful and the pressure that has put on your marriage, I think it would be madness to have another child.

I think you should concentrate on the children you already have and repairing your marriage. Don't bring another baby into the equation, it will add too much unnecessary stress

Happybunny19 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:52:26

Your husband has been through an awful experience with supporting you through your MH issues and affair (a one night stand does still count), I wouldn't want another child if I were him either. Sorry but it does seem very selfish.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-Mar-17 17:12:57

he makes me feel guilty i.e he says he feels bad because he can't give me what I want etc. But I am starting to resent him as he seems so uncaring about how I feel.

I think it is too soon after the events of last year to reproach him for not considering your feelings.

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