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Separating but living together. Are we mad?

(14 Posts)
PlumFairy2014 Mon 06-Mar-17 10:59:53

So with much sadness my marriage has finally reached the end of it's tether.

Neither of us seem too distraught, we saw it coming. I actually feel quite relieved it was all finally said. We got married young and are just very different people now.

We were in the process of moving to a new house, all done and we are just about to move. As it's purchased and all in joint names we are going to co-habit for a year then sell up. We have mostly been living as friends for a while anyway.

We have a 2 yo DD, so there wouldn't be bringing new people back to the house anyway. I don't mind if he sees people out of the house as long as for now DD isn't involved. I don't have any interest in a new relationship and can't imagine I will for some time, with DD and a new job to focus on. Plus finding a bit more of me after marrying so young would be best.

We don't really argue or anything, so for DD I feel we can keep it stable living together and financially we are well set up to keep it all fair.

I don't even know why I'm posting really. I'm in a little bit of shock I think and can't bring myself to speak to anyone IRL as it'll make it too real.

A whole decade and my life would have been so different if I hadn't met him.

I'm finding be guilt for DD crippling, that's where I am struggling. I would never want her to stay in an unhappy marriage though.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 11:07:07

You are doing the right thing, happy parents means happy child, and at her age as long as you are both amicable, she will accept whatever you both tell her and not think anything of it.

I don't agree with a couple who are separated living together, what's the point, you are jut delaying the inevitable and I couldn't handle watching my new ex partner conducting any romances whilst I'm there.

I think it's just living in limbo really.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 06-Mar-17 11:11:01

I've separated from my OH and we still live together.
I also had to live with ExH for 6 months after we split up.
It's hard going because both dickheads were unfaithful but you do muddle through.
If you have no resentment then there's no reason why it can't work.
Agree to see how you both feel in 3 months time and take it from there.

PlumFairy2014 Mon 06-Mar-17 11:12:19

We just can't work out a way of doing it otherwise. The finances won't stretch.

PlumFairy2014 Mon 06-Mar-17 11:12:59

No resentment. No infidelity.
We are just good friends.

gamerchick Mon 06-Mar-17 11:15:44

It'll probably feel fine until one of you meets someone. You may not be interested but you don't know whats around the next corner.

What happens when he does and is off out all the time leaving you with the bairn? You probably should talk about that while it isn't on the table.

PlumFairy2014 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:33:21

He never currently just leaves me to do all childcare. We have a good balance, except he works full time and I only work part time. He is a great Dad in Regards spending time with DD.

We have no family near by, so go out independently of each other anyway as the other is always with DD. Maybe part of our gradual problems.

I have such a headache today. It's actually very painful now it's sinking in.

Oogle Mon 06-Mar-17 15:43:03

I think if it's the only financially sensible option and you're both ok with it, then for short term it's fine.

I could find myself in a similar situation soon. My marriage is close to ending but neither of us can afford to run the house without the other. We also run a business together. We've muddled along for years because our finances are too complicated but I think we're coming to the natural end. We have 2 rooms with en-suite so neither of us would be losing out, we'd both be there for our son and we can sell the house in our own time and not take a massive hit (only moved in 6 months ago).

I feel sad but almost slightly relieved. We are going to attempt counselling but I've had enough now. I'm unhappy and sad over our current situation. If it wasn't for our son, I'd have left I think. I'm in a loveless, sexless marriage and I'm 30. It sucks.

Could you try counselling? I'm only going by your comment about it being painful - it sounds like there is still something there, could you try to salvage it? xx

PlumFairy2014 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:50:03

I think it's painful because of what it was rather than is. My initial feeling was relief, but I have found it swings through emotions and back to relief.

Counselling doesn't work for him, he says he understands and then reverts to exactly the same behaviour.

What you say really resonates with me. It definitely sucks.

My sister had a baby yesterday and it made me cry my eyes out. Isn't that awful. sad

pinkhorse Mon 06-Mar-17 15:56:20

If you're going to make the move in a year or so then your dd will be more aware of it if she's a year older. It's probably best to do it now while she's this age and less likely to remember it or be aware of it.
I understand how hard it is though, good luck.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:00:57

Are you leaving due to his behaviour, if so, get out now rather than later.

PlumFairy2014 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:03:45

Adora10 I meant more slovenly habits regarding our marriage. He is in no way abusive toward either of us.

FloatyFlo Mon 06-Mar-17 16:14:37

I am in exactly the same position as you OP. I wrote a post about it yesterday actually! We are just not in a position to be able to move right now. I think lots of people find themselves in this situation especially with ridiculously high rental prices at the moment like where we live. If I could get I would. But I can't.

We are very lucky in that our separation is very amicable. No cheating or big incidents. We have just simply grown apart. It's still pretty shitty. It's the end of an era but we have been living like friends for God knows how long now (we don't even sleep in the same beds!) and we need to accept that. But we are on good terms and want as slow and little disruption for our dcs as possible for now.

Adora10 Mon 06-Mar-17 16:46:33

But are you not better to get on with living your life now rather than later, whilst you are both amicable, I can imagine that could change drastically should either of you have your heads turned, and it could end up nasty, I'd do it now whilst things are friendly.

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