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I have no breasts

(37 Posts)
timetog0 Mon 06-Mar-17 10:22:28

I've met someone after a long time single and things are just starting to heat up!! Problem is I have breast hypoplasia, my breasts are not just tiny but widely spaced and pointy. Not very attractive. They look even worse since having kids as my nipples are long and pointy and I have no breast tissue so they are like two beestings. I am so embarrassed. I have friends with 11 year olds who have more fullness up top than me.

I considered plastic surgery for a long time but have decided to accept myself the way I am. I don't think people should change themselves or we will all end up looking the same. I wear padded bras all the time to make my clothes hang better (they are very pointy and look strange and deformed under clothes otherwise) so he will get a shock the first time he goes for a handful and realises there's nothing there.

Would you raise the issue beforehand or just let him find out for himself? Should I explain it's a deformity or will that put him off further? Perhaps better to make a comment about being small and leave it at that? Until I found I was unable to breastfeed, I was self conscious but got on with it. But now I know it is a deformity I feel so self conscious.

Advice please! I feel like a teenager again!

ElspethFlashman Mon 06-Mar-17 10:28:22

For the love of God don't describe it as a deformity!!! shock

Newsflash: he knows you're flat chested. He has eyes. If you're worried about the padded bra, then just drop a joke about it into conversation.

But don't be apologetic, don't be bashful, don't go into a big fraught medical and emotional explanation. It just makes it a big deal.

These are your tits. They're awesome cos they're attached to you. Rock them.

Maudlinmaud Mon 06-Mar-17 10:37:06

I understand what you are saying and how it has had an impact on your life, self esteem etc. I have friends who are smaller in the boob department and I envy them. Clothes look fabulous on them, they show off their backs and wear things that I couldn't dream of. What I'm trying to say is everyone has flaws and things they're unhappy about. But if someone likes you for you then this won't matter.

Trustyourself2 Mon 06-Mar-17 10:39:14

I'm rather well endowed, not overly, but more than the so-called handfull. I think that mine are a dreadful shape and I'd be worried about someone new seeing them, but I wouldn't feel the need to "warn" them in advance. I suppose what I'm saying is that, we all have parts of our bodies, I have several, that we're not confident about, but that's who we are and anyone who wants to be with us will be happy with that.

Kikikaakaa Mon 06-Mar-17 10:48:09

It is true we all have things we don't like about our bodies, my breasts are DD cup but very widely spaced, so although I have the breast tissue, I can't create a cleavage. Also have a ton of stretch marks on them and my stomach, all of which make me feel self conscious. If he's a nice bloke he will find all of you attractive as the package it comes in, along with your personality and all of the other things that make you, you.
I don't think you need to mention it to him, add to this who knows how he feels about his own size? And you wouldn't want a guy to apologise to you for the way he was made either I expect

Look how far you have come with this, carry on being your confident self and apologise to no one for the way you are, it's you!

CheersMedea Mon 06-Mar-17 11:28:02

I wouldn't ever encourage someone to have plastic surgery for purely cosmetic reasons. Reading your OP, it sounds like this is seriously debilitating for you. Read the terms in which you describe yourself

"I'm so embarrassed"
"look strange and deformed"
"I know it is a deformity I feel so self conscious"

Seriously if something about yourself affects you SO much, whatever it is, I would really consider doing something about it. This is no way to live.

In terms of dealing with this man, definitely don't say anything. If he's there about to have sex with you, it's because he wants you. He's not daft. He can see that you don't have a page 3 girl fake tits. Please try to be confident - just fake it as much as you can. Don't say anything because it will draw attention to something that may not bother him at all, will make you feel worse and also shows insecurity which is always unattractive.

Kikikaakaa Mon 06-Mar-17 11:40:48

Surgery isn't always a fix, breast surgery is a very big thing, especially when you are a single parent with the recovery and pain. OP says she has considered it all. I wouldn't personally ever have surgery unless medically necessary and many people feel this way, I don't like GA's and don't like to take serious risks unless it's really needed. If you have considered it and it's not for you that's ok too

Gallavich Mon 06-Mar-17 11:48:04

I have this too, though it's not as bad as some people's so I do have some shape (though they are not round and the nipples are herniated)
I just style it out to be honest. Try to leave my bra on when possible but it's not always possible grin
I can be breezy about it now but I was miserable for years. I considered cosmetic surgery but the risks were too high, plus it's not straightforward with hypoplastic breasts so would cost £££ for a top surgeon. Much better to accept yourself and hope that any man you sleep with likes you more than he likes the hypothetical breasts that you don't have flowers

Kikikaakaa Mon 06-Mar-17 11:50:32

What about some nice nightwear, sexy style? Because of my stretchmarks with my new partner I wore a pretty neglige type thing, made me feel less 'naked' but still dressed for the occasion

CheersMedea Mon 06-Mar-17 11:59:57

Kikikaakaa I completely agree with you about all of your post risks of GA, surgery etc.

All I was saying is that if something makes you feel THAT bad about yourself and it's potentially fixable, I would maybe revisit the question of whether you want to do it or not.

If it's life affecting and debilitating because of its affect on your confidence, that is a whole different ball park from the Katie Price "It's Tuesday so I think I'll have some bigger breasts today" approach.

Millie04 Mon 06-Mar-17 12:07:06

Hi. I have odd shaped breasts. They look triangular and flat like the part of an envelope you lick to seal. 2 years ago I met a v attractive man and I was v paranoid about the first breast encounters. I stopped wearing padded bras as I didn't want to raise expectations. I even told him this some months later!!
You could go one step further and go for a swim??! My partner never mentioned my breasts but clearly there was enough to love as sparks started to fly and I gained confidence along the way. I wouldn't mention anything but don't create false illusions is my advice and enjoy!

timetog0 Mon 06-Mar-17 12:17:22

Thank you for so many brilliant responses. I wasn't expecting any replies because it is not a common scenario. I don't want plastic surgery, I'm still working on accepting myself as I am. I don't like the fact that plastic surgery is so easy to get as it makes anything slightly out the norm even less normal. I wouldn't have plastic surgery because I don't want my children to feel that they have to look like a standard image of a woman to be attractive. It's becoming so common now and soon we will all look the same!

All this I know. But a new man is a scary prospect and set me back. I know my breasts are not very attractive. I wish they were. I'm sure he would prefer a woman with nice round breasts. BUT, there are many things about me that are attractive and nobody is perfect. He will have to take me as he finds me.

I will take your advice mumsnetters, not make a big deal of it and try to be as confident as I can.

Thank you for your encouraging words.

Gallavich Mon 06-Mar-17 12:23:00

I figure once we are out of our 20s most women's breasts deviate from the round perky ideal anyway. Women with bigger breasts will have some sag, shape change, stretch marks etc. Hardly any woman is packing the page 3 ideal!

Spring2016 Mon 06-Mar-17 12:27:20

I feel this is your body and if having a reconstruction will change how you feel about yourself for the better then you should go for it. Everyone is differant in how they are affected by body image. My only concern would be any possible adverse health effects, but after researching and having consultations with reputable doctors, you still want to do it, why not?

Kikikaakaa Mon 06-Mar-17 12:37:38

She's already said no to surgery so it's not an option and she's given all the reasons why.

I don't think changing her mind about surgery is what she is looking for I think she's looking for support and confidence

Millie04 Mon 06-Mar-17 12:49:03

I agree to no surgery. I don't understand anyone who voluntarily puts them self in an operating theatre unless it is a recognised deformity that has a physical impact on someone's life and what example is it to our children?
Enjoy your new man and all that comes with it xwink

MackerelOfFact Mon 06-Mar-17 12:57:17

You wear a padded bra but presumably it doesn't exactly give you ginorma-norks. He will have already clocked that you're not especially endowed, and he's still into you, so I'd surmise that it's unlikely he's much of a boob man.

There will be other things about your body he will be mad about (heck, he might well be mad about your chest). Maybe you've got a gorgeous waist or super legs or a lovely bum - and even if you don't think you have, if he fancies you, he will be totally into it.

Spring2016 Mon 06-Mar-17 13:44:55

Oh, sorry, I missed that surgery was ruled out, for some reason I thought she wanted it.

KarmaKit Mon 06-Mar-17 13:45:05

There's no reason to be "sure he would prefer a woman with nice round breasts". Thinking like that leads to thinking "I'll not do any better because he likes me in spite of my breasts" and therefore staying if things get rough. Large, round breasts are not something that all men are interested in!
You want someone who loves all of you. Hopefully this man will be that person but if he isn't there are plenty of others!

mogratpineapple Mon 06-Mar-17 17:09:35

Some men like this look! My brother doesn't like big breasts but ones that sound like yours and he can't be the only one.

Normandy Tue 07-Mar-17 04:43:32

OP -- you say you're sure he likes this or that you "know" they're unattractive -- you don't know any of that. He's attracted to YOU. Years ago I thought to myself this guy I was seeing would want a slimmer, fitter "more attractive" gal, but it turns out he genuinely prefers a little cushion for the pushin.

Everybody has their own tastes and definitely of beauty. Confidence and principles are sexy, and you clearly have that!

Normandy Tue 07-Mar-17 04:44:43

And perhaps he has a tiny crooked pecker or some thing he's convinced you'll hate. ;) don't stress OP, he likes YOU.

Yeahfine Tue 07-Mar-17 08:31:49

I have lovely breasts but you would be surprised by how many men are not interested, honestly. Lots of men like bums and legs. Which are not my best feature. My boobs are wasted on a lot of men. You sound like you have a lot going for you and you have the right attitude that he will have to accept you as you are.

AyeAmarok Tue 07-Mar-17 08:48:24

I would maybe wear a nice cami top, maybe a bit sheer, and if things progress just say you'd prefer to keep it on. That way you might feel less on display.

However, I'm sure he won't be bothered at all; we tend to think these things are a big deal in our head when they aren't in reality with a normal guy. So do what makes you feel more comfortable, until you're happy to go naked (and I'm sure he'll love it when you are).

HarmlessChap Tue 07-Mar-17 09:01:56

Maybe mention it to get it off your chest (no pun intended) but if he's the right guy for you then he won't care.

We all have insecurities, men included. Moobs, beer belly, spotty arse, a dick that is the wrong size or bends off in a weird direction etc. And then when it comes to sex there is ED, DE and PE which most men will have issues with at some time through their life.

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