I'm an only child. My mother has always been very critical of me although she would fiercely deny it. Now that I have three daughters of my own I couldn't ever imagine saying the things that she did to me, to them. As a parent I never say anything negative to my children about who they are or what they do.
Examples;
I was good at art. Not as good as my dd but good enough to have got an A at GCSE. My mum said I wasn't very good at it and it made me decide not to study it further. My dad was a graphic designer so it was normal that I should have been interested in it.
Always telling me other people were better than me at things.
At school I was in the choir and in competitions she would point at another school and say 'they were better'
In dance competitions she would say to me afterwards 'don't do X, Y or Z - it looks silly'
I ended up feeling that I would never amount to much. And my parents gave me no direction or support. Because of this I worry constantly that I don't give my children enough support or whether I should be doing more to encourage them. This is partly because I've had various mental health problems and one of my psychiatrists said that my problems are partly to do with lack of support/direction from my parents.
I always tell my children constantly how good they are at something or how well they did at it. I never, ever compare them to someone else. It just feels so wrong to me.
Is this something anyone else can identify with?
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Its not normal for parents to say negative things to their child is it?
lottieandmia · 06/03/2017 02:01
I can identify with this and it is part of the reason I have little to do with my DM.
I was always told every thing I did wasn't good enough. I wasn't bright enough (I got into medical school), talented enough (I danced for my region) and if I was worried about my appearance, as teen girls often are, then I would be told "sure who want to look at you anyway."
I am full of praise and hopefully build the confidence of my DC. I reward them and tell them how well they are doing on a regular basis. My mother didn't do that, she was incapable of praise even when it was deserved.
However I am realistic with my children, for instance DS13 wants to be a footballer but tbh isn't very good at it (he also can't stand mud 
). I don't tell him he isn't good at it I just steer him in the direction of what he is good at (Cricket and music). I don't want to end up being one of those parents who lets their kids go on a TV singing contest despite a distinct lack of talent.
I will always remember winning an Irish dancing competition, all the other mothers (of the girls on my team) came running up to me with hugs and kisses and mine said "You were a step behind at the start and don't start thinking you're any good because the judges must be related to your teacher." I vowed that day to do every single thing I could to work my hardest and get out of her nasty little world.
Mental health professionals have also pointed toward her behaviour as an explanation for my mental health problems throughout the years.
My mum was a sour mouthed, jealous cow as well.
Everything I did was "well, so and so did that better". Or she'd cruelly delight in humiliating me in front of my friends so they'd laugh at my "unrealistic" aspirations.
She used to spit out "you're just like your father" and this was from someone who was 'happily married'. She was such a bitch to me.
I've spent years learning that I'm good enough. Her problems are her own.
I have to hold a very strong line with her, (low contact) and she's in my head much more than I'd like.
Hugs 
you're not alone in this battle for honest (as opposed to dishonest/ critical) appraisal and positive self regard.
Some people shouldn't have kids- although it's paradoxical, my mum shouldn't have been allowed as she's cruel and jealous, and a vicious bitch.
I try very hard to catch my kids doing something good and praise them.
If I'm ever negative, I apologise immediately and remind my kids I was brought up to take shit from my mum, and sometimes come out with it as a habit, but they're not to take that kind of shit from me if I slip up.
I have a good relationship with my kids.
I have a very strained relationship with my mum.
My mum has no relationship with my kids- they can't stand her.
It's evolution, but it takes a lot of effort not to repeat the behaviour I find.
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Please can I join. Ive had most of the experiences on this thread. I'm in tears. I'm so confused. I love my mum . She was generally a good mum. But said some vicious poisonous things to me. She wasn't educated, she thought she was doing her best surely. What kind of mother calls their daughter "thick" though. 
She joked, in front of people, that I was "too fat for normal clothes" (I wasn't. But so what if I was
This is sadly not uncommon at all. My DW's mum was awful to her growing up - maybe not this poisonous but still said some pretty 
things to her on a regular basis.
My mum was pretty nice to us, on the surface, but that was badly undermined by her status obsession and her unpredictable moods. My happiness was never a factor: it was "is this the right thing to turn you into the boastable little establishment trophy I want?" So my interests were "silly" or "not good enough" or "not suitable". Our GCSE options were dictated to us. Art was "silly". She was insanely overprotective and possessive. She knew that creativity is everything to me but no: I was to be academic. To go to Oxbridge. Become a lawyer. Hobnob with the elite.
I didn't do any of those things. And a few years ago, when drunk, she let me know just how much my life sucks and what a disappointment I am. That hurt and still does.
I've also suffered with depression and anxiety as a pp said, and yes I'm sure there is some link though it's probably not the only reason.
I wish I had a mum that didn't do this too
'Was anyone else's controlling? The weird combination of not liking you much but at the same not letting you do much without her as a child.'
Yes very controlling. My mum throws money at me and uses it as a way to control. She thinks that giving me money to help out it supportive but it's not if at the same time she puts down everything I say and do. I honestly don't think she is aware that her behaviour is abusive though. In a strange way she does love me but she's damaged and she was never a good parent. She also chose to have a child with my dad who said he never wanted children. I imagine there is a reason why I'm an only child.
As others have said, there's no discussing anything with her - she usually explodes into a rage if I want to discuss any of this. I was never allowed to be a child. I remember being punished for being 'sulky' when I was 9 and being verbally abused. Everyone's allowed to be sulky sometimes.
My daughter cried when one of our guinea pigs died and my mum said to her 'try not to cry when the other one dies'. It's like she can't accept that people are allowed to feel upset and it's ok to show it.
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