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Just discovered my husband has been cross-dressing and paying for custom porn

(63 Posts)
selsigfach Sun 05-Mar-17 21:57:54

I am in a complete state of shock. My husband works away and I asked if it would be OK to use his computer to do some work. All fine. I turned it on and his email account came up straight away with purchase after purchase of women's PVC clothing, fucking gimp masks, male sex toys and huge payments to some shady "image consultants".

Shaking, I face timed him and he says that he hasn't been having an affair and that the clothing has either been for him or to go to people to make bondage porn. WTF? Like there isn't enough porn out there. I can't get my head around this and see it as a massive betrayal. He's spent at least a couple of thousand pounds on this. I'm at home with our toddler, working part-time to allow him to be away working. He says he only does this because he's bored in hotel rooms, likes experimenting and knows that I'm not as sexually adventurous/not into pvc/bondage. He says he was just bored and trying it out, he's sent everything back and realises now, after I've rung him in hysterics that it was stupid.

I've told him it's over, I can't live like this. I don't know him anymore and won't ever be able to trust him and when he comes back from work later this week he can pack his bags. He had an absent father and says there's no way he wants to live without his daughter but he should have thought about that before commissioning porn and buying women's clothing. AIBU? I'm completely reeling. He thinks we just need to talk and work through this but I know that things will never be ok and that there's no point. I'm absolutely shaking here. What on earth do I do now?

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 22:05:04

You aren't being unreasonable. You don't even know if you've got the truth, but what you've been told is enough to pull the plug.

Heaven forbid, the full truth is worse than what he's told you.

I'm not impressed with him trying to blame you, for not being adventurous... And when did he return all the stuff?

£2000.00! That's more than just being bored. I suspect there's an awful lot he hasn't told you. This could well just be the tip of the iceberg.

frogsgoladidahdidah Sun 05-Mar-17 22:06:28

No advice, other than to sleep on it. It has come as a huge shock to you. Hugs

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 05-Mar-17 22:07:39

Maybe he is actually starring in the films?

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 22:08:39

What on earth do I do now?

Tell him you need space and time to think about what to do and at the very least he should respect that.

It's more than enough reason to end it, because he's not the man you thought he was.

I couldn't be with a man into making porn, living a double life. You don't spend £2k out of boredom, unless that's chicken change to him.

selsigfach Sun 05-Mar-17 22:09:13

My first thought was that he's been buying it for someone else to wear for him...he said that's not it, it was for him or for these videos. I didn't even know custom porn was a thing. I've said it's no different to me whether he has another woman prancing around in pvc on his lap or on a screen, it's the same thing. I feel so sick.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 22:09:56

Maybe he is actually starring in the films?

My thoughts exactly.

Kikikaakaa Sun 05-Mar-17 22:12:16

Totally reasonable to feel this way. It's a huge shock and hugely dishonest of him. He clearly sees this as some kind of hobby hmm but it isn't. It's not like he's gone and bought a secret mountain bike. His excuses are terrible. This is so disrespectful to you to blame this on you being not adventurous.
The more I think about it the more cross I feel for you.
I think now you continue to have space from him, get your thoughts together about what you would like to do now, get some legal and financial advice and please talk to your family and friends for support

selsigfach Sun 05-Mar-17 22:13:18

Oh god, hadn't thought of that. I've googled the name of the "image" thing that's come up on his account, don't want to post here in case this page is linked to it, but it doesn't seem to exist. I get it - it's like a 'private goods' shop or hotel 'laundry' bill.

selsigfach Sun 05-Mar-17 22:14:27

I don't know how I can talk to anyone in real life about this.

DearMrDilkington Sun 05-Mar-17 22:16:35

Drink a lot of water, it helps that horrible sick feeling and try to get an early night to clear your head. flowers

scottishdiem Sun 05-Mar-17 22:18:38

A few conflicting points:

If he has sent it back then there will be a lot of returned money somewhere? I dont get the giving it to other people if its not exchanging the toys for someone to use and let him watch (and others probably).

The image consultants might be the biggest expense? Is he struggling to get a promotion or something? Or is it a firm that manages online profiles to reduce negative google searches (which begs the question - why)?

If he has a kink (nothing wrong with gimp masks per se) that he has been exploring on his own is that a bad thing? Or are you against porn full stop?

I would want him to give you the fullest picture (and be prepared for worse news) prior to deciding what to do.

selsigfach Sun 05-Mar-17 22:22:31

scottish image consultants is a cover name for this shady operation, he isn't seeing an actual image consultant. I know it's not particularly hip of me, but yes, i definitely do have a problem with being married to someone who likes to dress up in women's shoes and gimp masks and I'm sure many other women would too.

Notapissingcontest Sun 05-Mar-17 22:24:23

I would need space to think it through. The trust is gone now. He is a different person to who you thought and has spent an obscene amount of money.
Who knows if he is telling you the truth now. It sounds like more lies to me.
Plus if he has returned it there would be refunded payments.

scottishdiem Sun 05-Mar-17 22:30:45

"i definitely do have a problem with being married to someone who likes to dress up in women's shoes and gimp masks and I'm sure many other women would too."

Yes because suppressing solo and non-harmful expressions of sexual pleasure are a problem.

Yes, the lying about it is a problem. Yes, the spending on it is a problem (where are the refunds?). But also yes, he should have been able to find a better outlet for his desires than getting other people involved.

Kikikaakaa Sun 05-Mar-17 22:33:50

where did he buy things?
I just looked on lovehoney and they refund everything, even if used but I cannot image all sex toy and clothing companies do this. Lovehoney are pretty big and can afford the returns (or don't get many!) So I would be dubious about this claim in itself.

Totally fine to be turned off by your husband having a fetish. After all, he didn't tell you about it so you had no opportunity to make your own mind up if you were ok with it when you married him. He didn't bother to check so this is on him

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 22:43:55

OP,

I'd have a problem with it as well, so you certainly aren't alone.

Just take a few minutes to breathe and stay calm.

Were the things bought over a period of time?

Did he just decide to return it after it was used?

None of that bit of the story makes a lot of sense to me.

There's more to this than you know, but try and take your mind off it for now and you'll definitely need some space to figure out the future.

selsigfach Sun 05-Mar-17 22:55:29

I brought up with him on the phone that he had bought a pair of handcuffs and he said that they were for masturbation. I now see, from going through purchases (which I've screenshotted) that they went to someone else. As has perfume, that makes me saddest of all, he never buys me perfume. Most things actually went to two other people, only a small number of items were delivered to him, has been going on for a year. The porn thing adds up - I've seen a payment for lighting equipment. I can't believe this is happening.

selsigfach Sun 05-Mar-17 22:57:36

Some things seem to have been refunded, but that's just things he's bought for himself, there's a huge amount of money gone on things for these two other people. I've turned it off now, can't cope.

Kikikaakaa Sun 05-Mar-17 22:57:39

Perfume is quite intimate isn't it, not needed for sex acts. I get why that felt really horrible because it made it seem like it was more than just sex

Lighting equipment. Where would he even be filming? His hotel?

BitOutOfPractice Sun 05-Mar-17 23:03:36

I'm not even sure I understand what he's been up to but I know it sounds like a massive shock and I'm not surprised you have a major problem with it. I doubt you have the full truth yet

Blossomdeary Sun 05-Mar-17 23:06:20

You could spend a long time trying to work out what has really been happening, but the bottom line is that he is not the man that you thought he was and only you can decide whether you can live with that.

Lockheart Sun 05-Mar-17 23:06:51

There are 2 issues here I think.

The first is your shock at his unusual kinks. Your shock is understandable, however they are not something to shame him for. If he's into gimp masks and women's shoes then that's his business and in and of itself it is not a harmful thing. It's not my thing but rich tapestry of life and all that. Kinks and fetishes can develop and fade over time, so this may be a recent interest for him. There is nothing wrong with having kinks, even extreme ones.

The second issue is spending what I presume is family money, and spending it on custom porn at that, and being deceitful by trying to cover the expense up. This is a massive betrayal.

AshesandDust Sun 05-Mar-17 23:19:41

A bomb has gone off right in the middle of your marriage, no
wonder you are reeling OP. How long did he think he could get
away with it, what the hell is he thinking when he's risking it all?
What a fool he is - I don't think you've even got to the bottom of
it yet either OP.
So sorry you're going through this flowers

scottishdiem Sun 05-Mar-17 23:35:25

Lighting equipment?! Thats a new one on me. Either he is very involved in the filming (hence the perfume which is wrong) or he is providing detailed feedback about what he is watching.

Has he ever had unusual marks or welts or scars or bruises on his body? This would mean he is taking part. If he is a submissive type then he could be taking part in a passive/being restricted way. Which is also very wrong.

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