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Advice needed - caught him cheating

(6 Posts)
Yellowcar122 Sun 05-Mar-17 21:17:58

Advice needed please!?
4 months ago I caught my partner of 7 years cheating on me, first by seeing the texts then I found the evidence of it being physical (pre planned) - at first he lied and made his excuses (and I believed him), but when I presented the evidence he admitted it!
Things were not great before this, but I didn't think it would come to this!
He was distraught that he'd done this and promised me it was just the once - at the time I sort of felt bad for him and in a way stood up for him as I could tell he was suffering, he slept in the spare room for a few months but is now back with me!
We have barley spoken about what happened - every time we do I always end up crying and the conversation goes nowhere!
I'm really struggling to forgive him - over the last few months it's been strange, we are living together and acting almost "normal" but when it comes to hugging and kissing etc it makes me feel so awkward! Half of me wants to leave him, as I'm so unhappy - I'm thinking in the long term it will be the best for me but on the other hand I feel like I need to forgive him!
I'm also worried that because I've left it so long since I found out, almost letting him get away scott free - that I'd be the one in the wrong for wanting to leave!? I haven't been able to talk to him - and apart from the refusal to hug him in bed etc things are normal!
I know this is a strange situation and I know I should be stronger to be able to speak to him but I can never get my words out just accept everything he says, so my point never gets across!
We have a ds 1.5 yrs - which is another big reason I feel like I should stay?

Sherlock35 Sun 05-Mar-17 21:22:19

Why do you feel you need to forgive him?

Also, you can leave any relationship any time you want to. No one has to be at fault.

It sounds to my admittedly inexperienced ear that you haven't really been able to express how you feel about what happened, especially to him. Have you thought about trying Relate or some kind of couples counselling to sort through your feelings?

SugarMiceInTheRain Sun 05-Mar-17 21:24:56

You can leave the relationship and forgive him or at least let it go, for your own sake, to stop yourself feeling bitter or resentful. You can forgive without giving him an opportunity to do it again.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 05-Mar-17 21:25:03

No you're not in the wrong to want to leave, you should be patting yourself on the back big time for trying.

Do you think you could forgive him? He has got away with it scott free really hasn't he? Maybe he should move out for a while to give you space to think and for him to realise what he's done.

Jellbellyqueen Sun 05-Mar-17 21:44:02

You don't need to forgive him for anything. He knew exactly what he was doing and probably would do so again if he thought he would get away with it. Save yourself a lot of time and heartache and leave him before he does it again. You'll not find the evidence so easily next time.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 21:59:40

You don't need to forgive him. Not everyone can remain in a relationship where they've been cheated on.

You also haven't left it for too long either. You need /needed time to see how you feel and see if this is something you could work through.

It doesn't seem like you can and it looks like this is a deal breaker for you.

Many people try and still leave after one or two years. Don't feel that you have left it late and have to act like it's business as usual.

It also comes across that he hasn't really shown remorse or done anything much to try and redeem himself since dday.

If the feelings of not being able to hug or kiss him don't leave (and it's very normal for you to feel that way), you need to seriously consider this is no longer the relationship for you and move on with your life, learning to co-parent with him.

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