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AIBU to not want exP's new gf to come to DC's birthday party?

(13 Posts)
grittypetal Sun 05-Mar-17 20:35:14

The exp has been together with the new gf for around 6 months. She wanted to come with him to DC's birthday party! I obviuosly insisted she does not. See my other thread (new gf keen on spending time with the kids). AIBU?

WhooooAmI24601 Sun 05-Mar-17 21:20:56

It depends on the situation - was your split with your ex quite a difficult one?

I split with DS1's Dad when he was 5 months old. By his 1st Birthday Ex had a new partner who came to the party, along with Ex's parents and sister. We got on with it, 11 years later we still do. It was uncomfortable for his partner at first; I'm sure coming to my home when it was filled with my family and friends left her feeling odd, but she and I respect one another and get on well. She's a lovely part of DS1's life and I'd much rather he had a step-parent who loves him "too much" than one who doesn't love him enough. Is it possible you could allow her to come for just half an hour or so to wish him happy birthday?

Lilaclily Sun 05-Mar-17 21:23:04

Did he cheat on you with her ? Tbh after 6 months I'd expect her to meet the dcs

Suspendersformybelief Sun 05-Mar-17 21:24:10

Do your DC want her there?

I read your other thread. I think at some point it's got to stop being about you, or her and your exH.

It's great that your children know you and their dad can still get on and be friends and you can all be together for big ocassions. But, for your children's sake, you need to start looking after them separately. If she is there when they are with their dad, so be it. Even if she does try too hard to win their affections, so what?! You are their mother and their primary career and therefore irreplaceable.

With the situation as it is, YNBU not wanting her to come to the party. Especially after only six months.

But if this is a long term relationship, it's going to happen eventually and you need to get your head round it.

My ex hates my DP purely because he loves with me and our DD. Because ex feels so strongly DP didn't attend her recent birthday party. It wasn't an issue and TBH I would have been pissed off if DP pushed the issue as it would have made a happy day tense and horrible.

BUT...when she was in a nativity at Xmas, I insisted he came. Because she was so excited and she said herself she wanted him to come and watch her. She'd have. been gutted if he didn't. ExH was spitting feathers but we all attended and DP did the decent thing and slipped off at the end of the show and told her how awesome she was when she got home.

I'm hoping this year will be easier and DP might even be able to attend her party without a fuss.

Your ex's new GF is pushing too hard but he is being weak and shit not drawing any lines and feeding all this back to you.

I'm not surprised you feel pissed off but it's him who is handling this wrong, not her. You might have to accept that if she is a long term fixture, the DC will eventually see her as another important adult in their lives.

Kikikaakaa Sun 05-Mar-17 21:28:21

I am very torn with this because I genuinely like very much my ex DP's partner and have never tried to exclude her from anything - I LOVE that she loves my girls and they love her. I would probably be less impressed if she wasn't arsed about them. Her wanting to be part of things is a good thing no? No way is she trying to muscle you out, she just wants to be a part of it.

I read the last thread too and nothing struck me as more than a nice lady trying her best to make things work and get to know everyone and be a part of his family.

Lelloteddy Sun 05-Mar-17 21:34:25

What does your DC want?
You have to be guided by that surely.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 05-Mar-17 21:36:06

Imo df should be giving her a separate birthday party.

Suspendersformybelief Sun 05-Mar-17 21:40:30

Why wishiwas?

DC of separated parents already have to split themselves in two to a certain extent, why should they have to have two half parties?

The adults involved should be grown up enough to allow them to enjoy one whole party. Whether that's with just the parents and the new GF maintaining a respectful distance on the day because she understands it's too much too soon for the child's mother and doesn't want to create and atmosphere, or even with all three of them because the mother accepts the GF is also a feature in the DC's life and knows they want her there.

Either way, the adults should make the compromise, not the DC

Angryangryyoungwoman Sun 05-Mar-17 21:44:25

From searching your username ;
He was abusive.
He told you in October last year that he would like to try again with you.
You think she is trying too hard to get to know your children.
My advice? You need to sort out how you feel about him, start setting appropriate boundaries about how you interact with him and accept the things you can't change or have no control over.
Stop the drama.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 21:47:50

If the party is in a neutral venue, i.e. Not your house or his, then it will be easier to have her there.

I think I recall that she wasn't an OW. If she was, then I'd never want her at a party of my DC.

It sounds like you don't want her there though and you should tell your Ex she need not attend.

Badhairday1001 Sun 05-Mar-17 21:59:25

If it is a serious relationship then I would invite her. It's not worth the argument because she will be spending time with your DC anyway if they stay together.

Kikikaakaa Sun 05-Mar-17 22:07:33

I read one of your other threads now too for context:

He wanted you back but he already had a girlfriend and you considered it quite seriously but it didn't happen?

I think perhaps you are in denial of what the real issues are why this bothers you so much. Im not sure you have let him go, he also has played you and her off one another in many ways, now you dislike her presence and attempts to integrate herself - asked yourself why? She may well feel threatened by you and want reassurance that this relationship has legs, him letting her around the kids is either one great big game to him to make you jealous or he just doesn't care about how it makes you feel.

One thing is clear IMO, this isn't really her fault. If she's trying to embrace his family because she is his GF then your issue is with his boundaries and your own feelings. It's not reasonable to not want him but not want anyone else to have him, is there an element of this?

By all means tell him no, but you risk trying to shut her out and this could make civility quite difficult longer term. What do the kids want?

PsychedelicSheep Mon 06-Mar-17 09:01:24

I can't see the problem here, it seems like you're being a bit of a control freak tbh. Who cares if he brings his gf, why shouldn't he?

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