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Do I confess?

(141 Posts)
conflictedandtorn Sun 05-Mar-17 19:13:03

About 6 months ago I went to work overseas for 3 months. I met a guy there and we had an instant attraction. We are both married with children and initially nothing happened apart from long conversations. This became flirting and a week before I left we had a one night stand. The fact I was leaving, would never see him again and months of pent up sexual energy led to a mistake I will feel guilty about forever.

My dilemma is whether to tell my DH? The likelihood of him finding out is very low and it certainly won't be repeated. Does honesty in a marriage trump all else or is it worse to cause him unnecessary pain when I have definitely learnt my lesson and deeply regret cheating? Please help me see with more clarity.

Shayelle Sun 05-Mar-17 19:14:19


TwitterQueen1 Sun 05-Mar-17 19:15:54

I wouldn't

goinglocomoto Sun 05-Mar-17 19:17:20

Don't tell

KateDaniels2 Sun 05-Mar-17 19:17:20

Personally i think he has a right to know. And then decide for himself.

mnbvcxzl Sun 05-Mar-17 19:18:08

Yes I think you should tell him.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Sun 05-Mar-17 19:20:51

Don't tell

HarryElephante Sun 05-Mar-17 19:23:29


StillaChocoholic Sun 05-Mar-17 19:24:35

I think he has a right to know that his wife has been unfaithful. He also has the right to decide whether he wants to remain in the relationship or not. You should absolutely tell him.

Emboo19 Sun 05-Mar-17 19:25:44

Would you want to know, if he'd done it?
Personally I'd want to know, and so I'd tell my boyfriend.

LoudestRoar Sun 05-Mar-17 19:26:24

This is the type of dilemma that only you can answer, weighing up any guilt you have, and how you think your dh will react. Any answers you get here will probably be split down the middle. You'll also need to decide if you are just wanting to tell your dh to alievate your guilt.

piefacedClique Sun 05-Mar-17 19:27:23

No. It's selfish on your part. You feel guilty and remorseful and want to offload to someone who has done nothing wrong. Why should he be made to feel shit just to ease your guilt?

joystir59 Sun 05-Mar-17 19:27:32

I don't think you are ever going to feel ok about what happened and would normally say that you must tell OH. But because you have dependent children I'm not sure honesty is the right policy in this case. What was wrong with your marriage that made you do what you did? Perhaps now you should focus on making your marriage work so that you don't ever want to repeat this mistake.

Cuppaoftea Sun 05-Mar-17 19:28:27

Yes you should confess. I'd want to know, wouldn't you if the tables were turned?

You had an emotional affair and then made the choice to have sex with OM. Your DH gets to decide whether he wants to try to work through this or leave you.

2cats2many Sun 05-Mar-17 19:30:42

Don't tell. If you really need to talk about it, pay for some counselling.

user1483387154 Sun 05-Mar-17 19:30:49

You should tell him and then he can decide if you are the type of person he wants to be with.

It is not about telling him to offload your guilt but to give him the chance to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you after you behaved this way.

Castleonacloud Sun 05-Mar-17 19:31:35

You say you had a one night stand, but it wasn't really. It was months of build up and deception, not just one night of madness. This is more to forgive than just a quickie with a random, IMO.

Is it worth risking your whole marriage breaking your family by telling the truth. Maybe you need to find a way to deal with it and forgive yourself, then be the wife you want to be...

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed Sun 05-Mar-17 19:34:18

Ask yourself 'what do I want to achieve by telling him'.

SellMySoulForSomeSleep Sun 05-Mar-17 19:34:50

I think don't tell him. You've made a mistake. You've learnt from it. You'll never do it again.

You'll feel better for telling him for a short space of time then the realisation of what you've told him will hit.

You just have to live with your guilt. He doesn't need to know.

ChocolateFuzz Sun 05-Mar-17 19:36:44

Tell him! He has a right to know.

wherearemymarbles Sun 05-Mar-17 19:37:46

I depends if you really want to spend the test of your life with this guy.

He will never trust you again. Im these circumstances I wouldnt want to know.

You should shoulder your guilt yourself.
Of course he might also have used the time apart to have a flimg or two of his own.

myoriginal3 Sun 05-Mar-17 19:37:48


AshesandDust Sun 05-Mar-17 19:39:13

Don't tell. It's your guilt to live with don't spread the misery.

ChocolateFuzz Sun 05-Mar-17 19:39:39

How would you feel if your husband kept a massive secret from you for decades?

conflictedandtorn Sun 05-Mar-17 19:40:48

He'd definitely leave. He has a very strong moral code. There are problems in the marriage - I would like to go part time to spend more time with my DC but his career has stagnated and he doesn't do anything about it. I am therefore the breadwinner in a stressful job with lots of travelling. I know this isn't an excuse and these are minor problems compared to some. I probably did find OM's success part of the attraction though.

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