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Am I being spiteful?

(51 Posts)
SweetieBaby Sun 05-Mar-17 17:32:05

Found out last year that my husband had an EA, I guess, though it included sexting and sending pictures. This lasted 4 years until I found out because he sent me a text meant for her!!!!

I have tried to move on and make our marriage work but I just can't move past what he did. I really want to tell her husband but my husband begs me not to.

I don't know how I will feel if I do it but I want her life to fall apart in the way mine has. Am I just being spiteful? Will it help me?

I'm just so unhappy at the moment and have no one to talk to.

TabbyKitten Sun 05-Mar-17 17:35:31

People will say you are but I can understand how you might feel that way and would probably do the same.

You don't owe him or her anything, so do what YOU want.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sun 05-Mar-17 17:35:36

I think it's an understandable reaction, but I don't think it would help you, it would just even the score. What do you want to happen? Do you want to leave? Or counselling? Xxx

BovarysOvaries Sun 05-Mar-17 17:37:58

Would you be telling him because you think he should know, or to cause her pain?

He may know already. He may not want to know.

Oddsockspissmeoff Sun 05-Mar-17 18:01:31

If you can't move on you need to end it. Wanting to inform her H is understandable but it won't change your circumstances.

SweetieBaby Sun 05-Mar-17 18:02:09

Where to start?

I don't want to leave. I want to make it work but I just don't know how to get this out of my head. How do you forget? I feel so jealous of what she had.

I don't know why I want to tell him. Part of me thinks he deserves to know. The other part just wants to destroy her life! That's terrible isn't it?

I'm scared that as soon as I tell him I will regret it and then I can't take it back.

We have decided this weekend that we will go for counselling but I fear it is too late. Everytime he asks me not tell I think it's because he still cares for her.

My whole life over the past nearly 5 years feels like a lie. She was his friend on facebook, under a pseudonym, so knows everything about our life while I know nothing about her.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sun 05-Mar-17 18:05:36

I can understand why you'd want to but honestly I wouldn't.
Your problem should be with your husband, he's the one that's fucked your marriage over, 4 years is a bloody long time & I personally couldn't move past this & forgive. It's also worth remembering that he didn't confess -you found out by accident so he was happy for it to continue.

HmmOkay Sun 05-Mar-17 18:07:43

"I feel so jealous of what she had".

What did she have? A few grubby dick pics from another bloke while she was married to someone else?

That's really living the dream.

category12 Sun 05-Mar-17 18:08:31

4 years of an EA hmm. Seems strange it never got physical.

Tbh, I think you'd be better ending your relationship.

HecateAntaia Sun 05-Mar-17 18:12:52

4 years?
he's managed to convince you that he maintained a 4 year affair with a sexual element but in 4 years it never became physical?
are they on different continents? was it virtual only?

i understand why you want her to suffer. but the one who really fucked you over was the person who promised to love you then spent 4 years shitting all over you. hate him.

SweetieBaby Sun 05-Mar-17 18:20:56

She lives on the complete opposite side of the country which is why they never met up. However he had invited her to join him at a work conference but I found out before this happened.

By jealous of what she had - I mean they had long daily conversations, texted many times a day - flirty jokes, talked lots. He had a sweet little nickname for her etc. They had the fairytale, existed in the fantasy bubble.

Meanwhile I had the real life. The housework, the children, the sheer exhaustion of daily family life. The ups and downs that are part of real life. He tells me that she was always interested in him, the pictures she sent showed she had an amazing body (although she has no children) and interestingly never showed her face in these pictures so they could have been pictures of anyone I guess.

I feel as though I am expected to live up to this fantasy. If I only had to chat to someone for an hour a day on the phone I could make sure I was witty, attentive etc. Apparently he felt old and ugly and she was a boost to his ego!

I don't want my marriage to end. I want to try but this is just so hurtful.

NaiceBiscuits Sun 05-Mar-17 18:29:58

OP, I think you have good reason to feel the way you do:

- I too, doubt that this was just sexting....did they never meet up in the 4 years apart from this conference he was planning? Regardless, the intent for it to be a PA was there. And in those 4 years he put loads of energy into their relationship, at the expense of yours.

- He should be putting your needs first right now...He isn't though, is he? He is prioritising her marriage over yours, and his fear of people knowing, over your needs to tell. And that isn't about whether it's wise to tell, it's about him wanting to protect him & her, rather than doing what it takes to make you feel loved, respected, prioritised etc.

You may not be able to get past this, even if he does everything right to help you. But right now he's not putting the effort in, and if he stays that way, then you will be faced with a rather horrible choice: Stay and rugsweep it all, never truly dealing with it, and not trusting him because he won't have changed....or leave.

Montane50 Sun 05-Mar-17 18:30:59

Op you found out he'd invited her to a conference - are you sure they haven't met irl previously?(im sure the txts will easily establish this by how they talk about meeting for the first time etc), but how did they manage to hook up in the first place?
Im not sure if its a great idea to tell her oh, but i can completely understand the desire to do so, but don't forget-once something has been said it can't be undone, you need to be totally sure its what you really want to do x

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 18:38:57

She had nothing to feel jealous about. But can I ask why you don't believe sex was involved?

Do they will far from each other to have met up?

You really should not tell your DH of your desire to tell her DH. It's really not his call and if he was truly remorseful and had your needs as a priority, he'd let you do what you needed to, to help you in your healing journey.

4 years is a very long time for an EA.

Why exactly doesn't he want you to tell her DH? Is he scared he'll come after him? Is he trying to protect her?

I don't think it's spiteful of you at all and if it was me, I'd tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse).

If this bothers your DH, then quite frankly, his heart isn't in it and he's not putting you as a priority. He should be grateful you haven't divorced him and he should be bending over backwards for you.

neweymcnewname Sun 05-Mar-17 18:41:22

On the practical side, if u tell her husband, she'll be upset, may contact your DH for support, and suddenly you'll be seen as the bad guy, and her as needing sympathy. I know that's not true, or fair, but it seems possible.
If you want to make it work I think you really need joint counselling, to get all your feelings in the open, before there's any hope of moving on.

I would find it very hard to trust him - you found out by accident, he didn't come clean and it wasn't an impulse, it went on for years - you don't know what else he has done, or is doing...I don't think i could trust him again - sorry you're going through this OP.

AshesandDust Sun 05-Mar-17 18:44:43

You're the injured party, he doesn't get to say how you deal with his EA. It's
up to you who you tell - he's the one who can keep secrets for years,
you don't have to do the same. Do what ever makes you feel like doing
to deal with his betrayal, OP. flowers

SweetieBaby Sun 05-Mar-17 18:44:52

Thank you naice that is exactly how he is making me feel.

montane He has deleted all texts, facebook messages. I've only ever seen the one that he sent to me by mistake. I cannot absolutely know that they never met but he was never away from home during that time so I dont think that they did.

Apparently she was a friend of a friend on facebook, sent him a friends request and then started pming him, eventually flirting and he allowed it to develop from there. After a short time it progressed to texting, sexting and talking.

He didnt admit everything at once. He gradually admitted it over a week or so.

We've been married for 24 years and I don't want to just leave because of this but can we get over it?

Naice I will show him your reply because that is exactly what I need from him.

FatOldBag Sun 05-Mar-17 18:48:49

How can you possibly be expected to move on when he is still displaying an emotional attachment to this woman by begging you not to tell her dh? He should care more about what you need emotionally than what's best for OW.

Also 4 years significant deception (with the fake name on FB etc), what makes you believe that the EA is over now? Perhaps her dh knows more than you do and that's why he doesn't want you to contact him?

There's a really good book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass which is really helpful in understanding situations like this and getting through them (whatever the outcome). I really recommend it.

FrogFairy Sun 05-Mar-17 18:50:45

I have been on the other side of this as the partner who knew nothing about my fiancé shagging around. Eventually he walked away leaving me to deal with a massive financial shitstorm that could have been avoided if someone had told me what was going on.

I would always therefore want to know.

Montane50 Sun 05-Mar-17 18:52:06

I think <<naice>> had given you excellent advice op, and I can only feel nothing but sympathy for you. 24 years is a long time and it must be devastating

emilybrontescorset Sun 05-Mar-17 19:32:58

This all seems very strange.
A married man spends 4 years of his family life merely texting a random woman, without ever meeting her for sex...... Seriously.
Why is he so protective of her?
I think this is far more than sexting otherwise what's the big deal for him thinking h you will contact her husband.
I think fatoldbag has a point. Perhaps the husband does know what happened and he is trying to move on but your dh doesn't want you to know the real truth.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 19:44:29

You can try to get through it, but in order to regain trust and attempt to repair the damage, what is he doing?

How is he showing remorse other than just words? Talk is cheap and only his actions will indicate remorse.

Without you finding out, this would have still been going on, so I'd expect my DH to start showing how grateful he is to have me.

Has he gone no contact with her?

Is he transparent with his phone?

You do know you can recover deleted text messages right? But with a long term affair, I don't think you'll like what you see, so perhaps it's better you don't know.

What consequences is he facing? What boundaries are you putting in place? What conditions are you making to stay together?

Because if you just plod along, he'll take you for granted. A 4 year affair doesn't usually stop just like that, even after a dday. I see a number of OW taking about having to lay low for a while, before they start up again.

That's another reason to tell her Husband. Another pair of eyes will make it more difficult to carry on or take the affair underground.

It's really not a matter of spite.

notanurse2017 Sun 05-Mar-17 19:47:06

Your husband is still lying to you.

SweetieBaby Sun 05-Mar-17 20:06:27

This is the conversation that we've been having over and over - he has faced no consequences. He promises me that as soon as he realised he had sent me the text he immediately ended it with her and has had no contact since.

I struggle with 4 years and no physical contact but he promises that it is the truth.

How, just how, can I verify any of this? How do you re build trust? If I didn't know anything was going on for 4 years how can I prove if anything is or isn't going on now?

What do I ask him to do to prove himself now?

What consequences should he have? That feels like he's a child being punished.

Please help me to move forward, if for my own sake.

emilybrontescorset Sun 05-Mar-17 23:41:16

The only thing you could do is ask her or her husband.
Of course she could lie to you or refuse to speak to you. She might also tell you something you do t want to hear.
If her husband doesn't know then do you want the responsibility of Telling him?
Are you able to face up to the fact fnat her husband may tell you things you don't want to hear?
Whatever you decide to do one of it will be easy.
Your dh has lied to you for 4 years, only you can decide if you could trust him again.

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