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Why has my 10 year old divorce has come back to haunt me?

(4 Posts)
garlicandsapphire Sun 05-Mar-17 15:35:00

I've spent a lot of time visiting my elderly Mum in hospital these past few weeks, the anniversary of my fathers death and have some other stressful things going on at work. Oh and my XBF keeps messaging me which I'm not happy about. I've been having a hard time.

My 18yr old DD recently had a talk with her Dad about why he was unfaithful to me ending our marriage. He told her it was because he didn't love me anymore.

I'm really annoyed with myself for being bothered but this has got under my skin a bit. Because after I kicked him out we went for counselling for 5 months to decide the future and during that time he begged me to re-build the marriage, take him back and repeatedly said that he loved me. The day I called an end to it he came round and begged me to keep him.

I have no feelings for him, its all such a long time ago - and am glad that we split up - I've had other relationships and barely if ever think about him from one day to the next. So I'm shocked it upset me. Is it just stress that itches the scars?

Skooba Sun 05-Mar-17 15:38:37

Are you able to tell DD your version? Or are you not wanting it to look like tit for tat squabbling.
It's a bit glib just to say you no longer loved someone (especially if it's untrue) as it can give DD the impression that you just split as soon as one of you loses interest which isn't how marriage works.

akaWisey Sun 05-Mar-17 15:52:06

I have no evidence to back this up, but I think that when anniversaries of significant traumatic or sad events come around we are probably more vulnerable, especially if the present is stressful in itself (which for you, it is).

This is the time to look after yourself and try to consciously let go of the thoughts and feelings about your exH's lies version of events. You know what happened and you know that you gave it your best shot.

garlicandsapphire Sun 05-Mar-17 16:24:39

Thank you. I have told my DD and DS what happened - but not overloading them with it all. But my DD was so pleased that finally her emotionally distant father spoke about it and said sorry to her that she really took it as gospel truth. It is glib and simplistic you're right - but an easier version to live with I guess. He's not a strong, brave, emotionally honest man.

I'm sure you're right about anniversaries and stressful events - they allow old traumas to surface. And I have to find ways to shove them back in the box, you're right. I know the truth. I have to try to be kind for me now not go back to all that old hurt and pain. It just shocked me that it upset me.

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