Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Still angry about this letter almost three years later(66 Posts)
DH's dad sent this letter in his birthday card five months before our wedding. He had called them three months before to ask if they were coming to the wedding as I was paying the final balance and everything was non-refundable. They said yes.
For background DH's mum doesn't like me and spent the first two years of our relationship talking me down (we met through unconventional means, I'm a different race, I'm quiet, I'm significantly younger etc.). DH (then DP) did not stand up for me, he says he never noticed. It all came to a head in 2013 when I was getting ready to go with them to an event and she asked me where I was going when I responded with them she said that it was a family thing and I couldn't come. DH spoke to her about this, of course she pretended that she didn't mean to upset me.
She then called a few months later and I told DP not to speak about all the past incidents as she would find a way to turn them around. He didn't listen to me and did it anyway. I overheard this conversation and he was saying things like 'Toska thinks you've been really unkind etc', rather than 'I've noticed this. . ' He's really bad at standing up to his parents as they supported him until he was in his early 30s. I'm over 10 years younger and poor I think his parents knew that I would be too eager to make a good impression.
His mother then proceeded to talk about me to his other family members (they told me, one said that she told them I didn't like the way they looked at me!) and send nasty emails and make weekly phone calls to DP/DH about me. The letter I've attached arrive in 2014 a full year after the initial blow up. I've never spoken to them about their emails and letters and they've never apologised to me. DH maintains that after the letter from his dad he spoke to them about three months later and read them the riot act and they were sorry. If I ask when or what was said he says he can't remember (he is dyslexic). We've been arguing about his parents since 2013.
I had a miscarriage in January and I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of worrying about what rumours his parents are spreading about me, I'm tired of saying their names more than I say my own and I'm tired of being excluded. I'm undergoing assessment for Borderline Personality Disorder and have taken antidepressants for the last six years, worrying about all this crap is making me angrier, more destructive and paranoid. I have no rest, I've thought about this letter everyday since it arrived. My parents were abusive and we had social services involvement. I have my own crazy parents to deal with. All DH says is that we have to find a way through this but he doesn't know how.
What would you do?
Not sure what you are asking really. I know everyone on here is all go NC and expects perfection but it just reads like they are saying its festering and he wants to resolve things.
Have they ever explained why she disliked you in the first place, aside from age and race? Are they racist?
Sounds like there may be more to this.
I don't think that's a bad letter TBH, quite conciliatory actually. I think you should all make up, you're tired, life's too short, they're offering an olive branch. Aren't you fed up of all the drama? Get in touch, invite them round, talk everything through and move on with your lives.
They are asking for reconciliation?
I'm not sure what to say either
I think your DH is also asking for this, what do you want?
Would there be any way to civility? Or is it too damaged?
If it's too damaged then you need to address this with your DH about where you stand, this may mean that your relationship breaks down if he feels he can't/won't choose.
I'm sorry about your MC, I think maybe this pain is still raw for you and you could make a rash choice out of grief and stress.
Why are they so prominent in your life? Why are you talking about them so much?
I think you are in a relationship with a man who clearly has strong ties to his parents whether guilt or just love or gratitude and it might be just too ingrained to 'change' in him
I should have added to the end, you should at least consider whether making up would bring peace to your life
Sounds very unpleasant - no wonder you're at the end of your tether. You mention your provenance and age. How did you meet? Is it possible that they wrongly think you're a gold digger?
I'm very sorry about your miscarriage.
Reading between the lines, are they implying you're a gold digger? As the MN adage goes, you don't have an in law problem, you have a DH problem - it's for him to support you and present a united front. Is he worried about them cutting him out?
This letter was sent 3 years ago and you're still ruminating? That's quite concerning.
So since they sent this letter in 2014 how has the relationship with them been?
This letter was sent in 2014, it seems they were reaching out to reconcile before they could attend your wedding.
Did you try to reconcile? Did they, in fact, attend the wedding? what is your relationship with them like now,
My take on the letter is that they want a fresh start and are hoping you did too.
I don't understand some of it- the bit about not being able to take your DH out for a another meal- is that because there was a falling out over him marrying you? Did his dad come to your wedding?
What has happened in the time since this letter was sent?
I think it's possible that your depression and state of mind is making you read things into it that aren't there anymore or never were.
What do you think?
It sounds like they clearly weren't coming to the wedding, but the contents are not really that bad. Your FIL hasn't badnouthed haven't badmouthed you in the letter.
Are they part of your day to day life? Can you simply avoid interacting with them and focus on your marriage?
This sounds like an olive branch letter from the one you've posted.
Why are you dwelling on this 3 years later?
I think also you need to work on your depression and possible Borderline personality disorder.
It sounds like your DH is the problem to me.
I think you have to find some way to make peace with what has happened in the past. That doesn't mean you have to forgive or you have to forget but stewing on a letter for three years isn't healthy.
Of course the letter outwardly appears conciliatory but I know manipulative family members are also adept at writing apparently innocent letters that actually rely on the emotions of the past to carry their weight.
You can't make your DH go nc. You can control your response to them and limit your contact with them but it sounds like you need counselling support. Holding on to the emotions provoked by this letter, isn't healthy or helpful.
I think you have to accept that is what it is, I would remove myself mentally from the situation. I understand your need for acceptance but they don't deserve your respect. They have made you feel like shit. What do you do with tossers on the street you walk straight past them.
With kindness, if you describe yourself as angry, destructive and paranoid, it does give some clue as to why they may have reservations about you. You sound fixated on them which can't be good.
We've had a very difficult time since this letter. DH has a very, very low sperm count and we are waiting for IVF, the miscarriage was a short lived miracle. We moved to a town that we shouldn't have moved to and I hate it here.
They came to the wedding and didn't speak to me all day. I haven't seen them since the wedding two years ago. We just don't speak, we don't have any way of contacting each other and we don't see each other at Christmas. At the wedding a member of their family who I barely speak to told me that they heard I had said unkind things about them to DH's parents but they wanted to make up. I hadn't said a word about them and it just made me feel very paranoid.
Their other DIL is a different race and they use a disgusting pejorative to refer to her so it could be a race thing but I don't know. I tried really hard in the beginning, I would clean their house and cook meals etc. I really wanted to be a part of a family.
I'm not sure we can make up. They've said too much. I just avoid his whole family now as I'm not sure who thinks what or who is just putting up with me because I'm married to their relative.
I am very, very unhappy. Our wedding was a disaster thanks to my parents. I can't even look at the pictures. In the last 10 years aside from the six weeks I thought I was going to be a mother I couldn't tell you when I last felt happy.
We met online and DP/DH was on the dole and I was a student. Despite the age gap we've always earned similar amounts.
Yes, DH's dad took us out for a meal one year and there were no plans to do this again but he felt like he needed to mention it.
I'm not sure if I'm just reading into things and I'm the first to admit that I'm paranoid and can't really judge situations fairly but waiting until they knew we had paid for them at £250 a head seemed calculated. The tone of the letter seems odd. If Toska doesn't make up with us then fuck your wedding. I suppose I'm thinking about this again because I'm not sure I want to stay with my husband. I will always be third to his parents. I am not a priority for him (at least I don't feel like it). I have said nothing to his parents, his mother made nasty calls, sent emails, tried to convince other members of his family that I was talking about them and yet they still think they can force me into a reconciliation?
I think you have to make the decision not to care about what they think and say. You cannot control their behaviour - they have the responsibility there.
All you can do is control what you say and think. I would make a promise to yourself not to bring them up in conversation and concentrate on your own day to day life.
If a 'reconciliation' is pressing just say 'fine'. Listen, say 'sorry' for any misunderstandings, if that is what they want, but do not engage more than you have to. Pay lip service and then forget about them. Make no arrangements to see them yourself, if they are mentioned change the subject. This way they occupy as little portion of your life as possible.
Your OP indicates that you are undergoing evaluation for possible MH issues. I think the best thing would be to 'table' any issues with your iLs until this evaluation is completed and you have been diagnosed and/or are undergoing any treatment/medications. A mental health disorder, be it mild depression or a major psychosis, will deeply affect the way we 'see' things or react to them. Sometimes innocent things are blown out of proportion, sometimes horrible things are 'trivialized'. You owe it to yourself to be sure you are seeing things clearly and reacting appropriately. I'm not saying you aren't, just that a proper diagnosis and treatment will either serve to confirm your feelings or help you to 'digest' them properly.
I'm not sure if I'm just reading into things and I'm the first to admit that I'm paranoid and can't really judge situations fairly but waiting until they knew we had paid for them at £250 a head seemed calculated.
Yes I think you are.
Where does the £250 come into anything? Was this the cost per head of your wedding?
I'm sorry but do you think your MH issues are clouding your judgement?
At the wedding you said his parents didn't speak to you.
Ok- so why didn't you talk to them?
A conversation is a 2-way event.
It sounds as if you are not willing to met them halfway but expect them to be the ones to make up. IMO the letter is a making up gesture.
Why don't you behave like an adult now , go and visit his mother and talk this through with her?
Why do you say you can't contact them?
Do they live too far away?
He sounds very manipulative in that letter and mentions on a couple of occasions that it's just from him which is odd - sounds like MIL was in the background of the idea and that's why he had to reiterate for it to sound true. Not surprised you're fed up, but if they are unpleasant people the ones they talk to will no doubt realise that and I wouldn't take notice of what you think they may have said - you don't need this hassle. Your DH needs to start having some balls
Join the discussion
Please login first.