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Husband doesnt want vasectomy in case we split up and he wants to have kids with someone else!(92 Posts)
We've been together for 23 years and have 4 dc's together. Ive been on pill most of that time (except when pregnant obvs). Had to change to cerazette when i hit 41 as i had high blood pressure. With cerazette i bled every day for six month, doc said this can happen and to persist. Anyway, got fed up with this and lowered labido so dh and i decided i would come off pill and we would use condoms, also giving my body a rest from hormones etc. Dh suggested he might have a vasectomy, i was so keen and said maybe its better to persisy with pill as i didnt really want dh to have to suffer going through vasectomy but he sermed to think it wasnt a big deal. Three months on and wr cant use condoms as dh cant maintain an erection with one on so sex has pretty much been non existant. Ive gelt much better (more frisky off of the pill and no daily bleeding) so thought maybe the vasectomy idea was a good one. However, after three months dh hasnt done anything towards getting it done so this morning, as its my period i thought i would start taking cerazette again (or i would have to wait another month to start taking it) as i want to have a secual relationship with dh. So i told him i'd started taking it and he was a bit sad that i'd felt i had to start taking it again. I said well you weren't going to sort out getting the snip any time soon so i thought i better gey back on pill. He said he was reluctant to have a vasectomy for several reasons like he might win the lottory and we may want more kids or we might split up and he might want kids with someone else! This has really upset me and i can't stop crying. He says i am being hystetical and i just need to stop and get on with the day. Is this normal for a man to think like that? I don't know if im making a big fuss as i'm probably a bit hormonal. I just really hurts me to think thats its more important for him to think about a future relationship than the one hes in right now? Sorry for uber long post x
I think it was very insensitive for him to say that OP. A vasectomy is quite a serious op though and it sounds like he has changed his mind. How would you feel if he suggested you have a hysterectomy? Is that an option? Can you suggest he opts for a reversible one instead.
I do sympathize with you as it was a hurtful thing to say but crying non stop seems a bit excessive. Are you sure you're not just upset due to your hormones. For what it's worth I do think it's unfair that your contraceptive choices fall down to you on your own.
I have told my dh that I don't want him to have a vasectomy in case I die and he meets someone else who wants kids. I don't think we will split up but it's a consideration. I don't think there is a need for the hysteria. He's not saying he wants to leave you, there are a lot of reasons he doesn't want to do it and that's just one of the reasons.
I have a copper coil fitted. So no screwy hormones. Can you go back to your gp (maybe with your dp) and discuss your options?
Well, whatever his reasons, it's his body, so if he doesn't want to, he shouldn't. The 'what if we win the lottery' comment just shows he is not averse to more kids.
But, it was insensitive - though maybe he was joking?
The whole contraception issue is really bad for women. If hormones don't suit you, you could try the copper coil? The Merina has hormones but they don't affect people in quite the same way. Or the cap?
It would be understandable if he was in his 30s.
From your post, I would expect you are both in your early 40s. What age does he think he will be when he will have separate, meet someone else and then had a kid? Is he saying he would be planning a child at 50yo?
Even his comment of winning the lottery does hold.
I suspect he has an issue with the vasectomy itself and the fact he will become infertile (does he think he will be less manly because of that somehow??). He also has been VERY insensitive in the way he has presented things.
Fwiw, DH said he wanted a vasectomy too. He refused to use condoms too and was somehow expecting that I would have a termination if I was ever to get of. Even though he knew I so so wanted another child...
No logic at all in his way of thinking about things.
It took him a few months to get his head around it (good 6 months). Maybe because he wasn't keen to have that surgery done despite him proposing it. Maybe because of this manly thing. I don't know. But he did get round it.
In his 40s with 4 kids already he should be prioritising the family he already has which includes the health of his wife who has been through multiple pregnancies and childbirths in addition to pumping herself with hormones for years so he can ejaculate without consequence.
If he was frightened or worried about the procedure that's one thing but I'd be furious at his reasoning. Sounds like he wants to maintain his appeal to younger, childless women in the event of a split.
It was an insensitive thing to say.
He's clearly not averse to the idea of having more children though.
How does he feel about the lack of a sex life?
Would you consider being sterilised?
Totally agree with what stitch said.
My friend's DH said the same thing to her when she suggested a vasectomy after their second baby. Actually I think it was 'if you died, I might meet someone else and want to have kids with her' he's an utter dickhead anyway but I thought he surpassed himself with that comment
I think it was insensitive of him to say, if he doesn't 100% want a vasectomy though he shouldn't.
That said if I were you I mist definitely would not start taking the pill again. Did he go see his gp over not being able to maintain an erection with a condom on?
That would upset me too op.
When I knew I wanted no more children (dh agreed, 2 was enough) I asked dh to have the snip, I'd been on depo for years, and was sick of it, he agreed, then came up with.... Are you sure you don't want anymore kids?
It threw me, and when I went to nurse to ask about more birth control, she said...ah, panicking is he?... He was a bit, he had it done after a chat, and has never regretted it. I'm so relieved to be off birth control too.
I think similar has happened with your dh, unfortunately, he's come out with a load of hurtful crap instead.
Talk to him, I'm sure that's not what he's actually thinking.
TBH it was a bit insensitive to say out loud however if I were a man I wouldn't be keen for the same reasons.
I'm getting married in December and am completely committed and don't expect to ever be with anyone else however I'm a very practical, logical thinker.
On that basis with a 50% divorce rate plus the possibility that one partner could die I would be reluctant to do something so permanent.
4 kids you've made your physical sacrifices for the family and the relationship. It's his turn.
Yes it is a sacrifice. Remember what your pre baby body was like? You've made those sacrifices. Stop whining, man up and get on with it.
It is even a major sacrifice because post vasectomy sex is brilliant. All the hormones, no latex, best sex of our relationship.
Isn't that one of the things the doctor asks you when you go in to ask about vasectomy? Maybe he did some research and that question was put in his mind.
Crass to say it out loud, and maybe he should have come up with something better, but clearly he doesn't want to do it.
Would you want to get your tubes tied?
He should have been more sensitive about the reasoning, mind you!
It was insensitive to word it like that but it is a consideration. Usually you have to go for counselling before vasectomy and they will ask this, plus things around you / DC dying. It needs to be discussed for certain. A vasectomy is permanent with a 10% risk of complications so he does need to be absolutely sure.
Maybe me and DH are both insensitive but one of the reasons neither of us want to be sterilised is in case one of us dies and the other meets someone else who wants kids. I think that's a fair enough statement to make.
I'm equally sure it's not actually what he's concerned about. It is a surgical procedure and there can be consequences, including persistent long term pain
Having said that, I had the snip after two kids and still in my late 30's. I haven't regretted it yet, but the reasons I got the snip (married for, what I thought was, life with a wife that had had complications with the deliveries) have all disappeared. She fucked off with OM, and my inability to have more kids definitely cut my dating / relationship options down.
Given that a lot (50% now?) of marriages and partnerships break down these days, it's not entirely unreasonable of him to have that as a "concern" somewhere at the back of his mind.
Insensitive as others say, but..his body, his rights.
not the most sensitive comment but there again thats the reason i told dp i didjt want a hysterectomy.
its his right to not want one, and tbf hes just considering everything, as did i.
talk ofcsacrifice etc would be pointless and moot (just if youre tempted to use tgat as some sort of blackmail) because men cant bear children, its not their fault.
Can you have a hysterectomy instead? I'm probably a lone voice here, but I think he has a point. Anything could happen in the future - perhaps the way he said it was insensitive, but at least he was honest.
Agree with the majority. It was rather tactless to present it to you in those terms but if he is not averse to the idea of more children if circumstances changed then I don't blame him for not wanting a vasectomy
If you are going for a permanent solution then it has to be done by the person who is adamant they want no more DC whatever the circumstances
I know of someone who desperately wants a baby with her DP but he had a vasectomy after having 2xDC with his ex (who subsequently left him for another man) so it is an important consideration
It was insensitively put, but my STBXH suggested having a vasectomy when we were very happy as a couple and I discouraged it although at the time I had no reason to think we would split up. He was very sure that he would never want anymore kids so he went ahead.
I don't think that he has changed his mind, but it does occur to me that it limits his options as a future partner might want kids and reversals are very unreliable (he is 40).
Although I agree with Bitofacow that it does wonders for the sex life, so perhaps future partners will benefit from this :-)
Ultimately it is his body, just as yours is yours. Post-split I now have a copper coil - I loathed hormonal contraception - and so far, so good...
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