Buried Sexual Abuse?

[MiddleClassPerm]

Hi. I'll try to be a quick as possible as I don't want people getting bored, I would really like some advice!

I had a physically and emotionally abusive childhood but have very few memories as I have blocked most of it out. I've always felt there may have been some sexual abuse, I have been aware of sex by myself (iykwim) from the age of about 8 and although I enjoy sex there's also a part of me that finds it dirty. I suffer from depression/anxiety due to my childhood but have learned to live with it so currently not on Meds. I have seen counsellors, who have picked up on sex issues and asked if more happened but due to my lack of memories it hasn't really helped.

Over the last year or so I've started having dreams that feel familiar and one in particular is recurring. They are more like nightmares and I wake up terrified. I had another one last night and I'm wondering if they are memories coming to the surface. Last night's dream was a lot more obvious and actually points to something in RL that has a physical effect on me.

I've started writing them down and there is definitely a recurring theme, so I'm wondering if anyone else has had this and knows of how I can try and bring these memories out - if they are actually memories?

[debbs77]

I can't offer any help but just wanted to send you a hug xx

[MiddleClassPerm]

Debbs you're lovely, thank you

[pocketsaviour]

Sorry you're going through this OP, it must be horribly frightening and upsetting.

I would recommend these books:
The Body Never Lies by Alice Miller
The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass

Both books talk about buried memories that sometimes surface as physical conditions. The Miller book talks about many types of child abuse while Bass's book focusses on sexual abuse.

I hope they help

[MiddleClassPerm]

pocket thank you, I'll check these out now. I've studied psychology and a short course on hypnotherapy (years ago) so I'm aware of repressions and the physical effect they can have. It was only that dream last night that pointed to a RL situation (one we all go through) and I have a physical reaction to it every time, so much so that the usual treatment has to be changed for me. It reminded me of the whole repression theory and started me wondering if this was one of those 'blocks'. I'll take a look at those books, thank you.

[noego]

Have you ever spoken to NAPAC OP? They might be of some help even though you have had therapy.

[MiddleClassPerm]

No I haven't noego, my lack of memories is the reason for not taking any kind of therapy further. I never even realised I had suffered from physical abuse as a child (until I told a counsellor I was only beaten when I deserved it and she pointed it out), to me it was just normal. I think I'm still in denial to a certain extent so I have a fear of not being believed or worse still, finding out I'm a nutjob who's making it all up. If that makes sense. Trying to work it out myself seems safer. Plus it was my coping mechanism as a child, and still is.

[OnTheRise]

I'd look at therapy if you can access it. If you have repressed memories then you've done so for a reason, and will need help processing them if you dig them all up again.

I found that I couldn't remember anything much on my own but was getting more and more distressed. Therapy helped me remember so much more, which was very distressing but oddly safe, because I had such a good therapist who really helped me work through it. I now have no doubt about what happened in my past, or that it was wrong. And I have the tools to deal with it too. It's much better than wondering, but it was very difficult reaching this point. I couldn't have done it alone.

[TheElephantofSurprise]

It isn't unusual for people's minds to put issues on hold until there is time and space to deal with them. You might be beginning to remember.

have seen counsellors, who have picked up on sex issues and asked if more happened
Be wary of this, though. I've had ten counsellors (yep, long-term nut-job here) and each one would have loved to find child sexual abuse in my background. No, no-one abused me sexually, although emotional abuse and neglect were major features of my childhood.

[MiddleClassPerm]

OnTheRise I haven't had much luck with therapists! The overriding opinion seems to have been "if you cant remember then there's not much we can do". With one therapist we were working our way through a book and she said we should move onto the next chapter. I said we haven't finished this one and she said you can't remember things so there's no point. She didn't say it in a cruel way, it was just very matter of fact. I assumed this meant there was nothing more that could be done.

[artistictemperament]

i'd be tempted to contact a hypnotherapist - can feel like a very safe way of revisiting difficult past experiences.

[greenlipstick]

Hypnotherapy is categorically not recommended for sexual abuse.

OP, you might find the pandys.org website helpful. It was a godsend for me.