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Money - is dh being selfish?

(300 Posts)
Realitea Sun 05-Mar-17 09:00:12

I admit I am a spend spend spend kind of person. I have been in debt in the past and dh helped me out when I met him. I'm really bad with money! To make sure we don't get into that problem again he's taken full control of spending right down to the supermarket shop.
It's nice in a way that I don't have to worry about any bills anymore and I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras.
However now dh wants me to help out financially too and basically either give it to him as a contribution or spend it on food. I think that's fair seeing as we're a couple and it would be selfish of me to keep it all.
But this is where I have the problem. Dh has saved quite a bit now and is talking about going abroad to somewhere I don't want to go so he's going with a friend. He's also talking about going on a fishing trip for the weekend.
I'm trying to find a holiday for us all (2 dcs) this summer and he's saying he won't spend more than £1000. I can't find anything decent and it hurts knowing he has the money but he's not touching that because he wants to go away and do his own thing.
He also really needs a new car but is counting on my inheritance that's coming soon to pay or help with that.
I wonder if he's being selfish with money and he says as he earned it he can spend it how he likes and at least everything else is taken care of.
I find it hurtful that I've always had a dream to visit a certain place but that's not taken into account. And I still don't drive but if we had the money I would learn.
Is this selfish of him or am I just being selfish?

Purplebluebird Sun 05-Mar-17 09:03:43

Yes, he is being selfish!!!

Berthatydfil Sun 05-Mar-17 09:05:11

Yes and potentially financially abusive.

mumonashoestring Sun 05-Mar-17 09:07:20

Yes he is being selfish, and I think pointing that out to him would be only fair. Not in a stroppy/argument seeking way, but calmly and matter of fact - you've been able to put aside enough for holidays on your own and trips away with your friends, so if I do start earning I'll be putting the money towards driving lessons or a holiday with the kids, for example. If he's managing to put money aside then you clearly have enough to live on so he really doesn't have a leg to stand on. His priority should be bills/food, then the family, THEN himself. He's got them the wrong way round at the moment.

LosingDory Sun 05-Mar-17 09:08:24

Well he is being quite selfish but as an adult you should be able to exercise a bit of self control and not just hand over all responsibility to him just because you can't be trusted with money. Ultimately it should be family money and he shouldn't be able to dictate where it goes, but you have willingly put yourself in this position. If you've changed your mind about how you want your finances to work then you need to have a talk with him about it

Montane50 Sun 05-Mar-17 09:12:55

Yes he is being selfish. You're a grown woman and realise you are bad with money management, however as a grown woman you need to have more input and perhaps stop hiding behind the'im rubbish at budgeting '

weatherbomb Sun 05-Mar-17 09:13:26

He puts a holiday with a friend over a holiday with his family? How very nice of him!! He should buy a car using his money not your inheritance - I would tell him where to go. What a selfish arse!

Realitea Sun 05-Mar-17 09:13:50

I do want him to carry on looking after everything though as I would just be bad at it. I just think he should start putting bill and food and us as a family before everything else. I will have to talk to him today. He'll probably get cross and defensive but I'll remain calm.
He did say he's happy for me to get driving lessons out of my money as it would be great and he's paying for the provisional licence soon.

AnotherEmma Sun 05-Mar-17 09:20:40

He's not just being selfish, he's being financially abusive.
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/financial_abuse.html
Just because you've had debt problems in the past and have a different approach to money (spend rather than save) doesn't mean you can't manage money at all or have any say in how you spend your own and family money. It's completely unhealthy for him to control the finances to this extent. He's squirrelled away all these savings for himself and he's got his eye on your inheritance?! Fuck that!

Is he controlling about other things? Does he do anything on this list of signs of emotional abuse?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Sun 05-Mar-17 09:21:24

You need to take control of your money habits. Being bad with money is an appalling excuse. What if something was to happen to your husband, death or divorce? Would you just lose control and leave your children penniless? Being in a relationship with someone who just doesnt know where their money goes is draining. Very selfish behaviour.

BUT you are married and it is family money, although i think your inheritence is classed as yours alone??? Check that out. The cheapest holiday i found two years ago abroad in august was a week in bulgaria and that was closer to £2k than £1k. Butlins skegness is £1k for 4 nights in august. Henis being an arse over the family
Holiday.

Use your inheritence to learn to drive and go to the place you want to go.

Sit down together to look at your monthly outgoings / incomings / family savings / pension contributions etc. sont let him take total control over your lives and future.

Chippednailvarnishing Sun 05-Mar-17 09:24:04

He's being selfish.

But more importantly you're behaving like a child. Ffs grow up and learn to take control of your finances.

Drquin Sun 05-Mar-17 09:24:48

Sounds like you both need to up your games.

Whilst we've all got our strengths and weaknesses, you need to stop with the "I'm rubbish at budgeting" lark. Get yourself access to ALL your combined financial info, find an online budget tool, and educate yourself.

However, you both need to be thinking of ALL the money as family money. Using "your" inheritance isn't bad on its own, if it's a family car and it's the best financial option for the family. Going on a boys' holiday in itself isn't a problem, if budget allows it. "Only" spending £1000 on a family holiday may be stingy or may be extravagant. But right now, I don't think you've any real idea whether either of these are sensible options for you, as you've no idea of what the family budget is?

AnotherEmma Sun 05-Mar-17 09:25:25

"as he earned it he can spend it how he likes"

Are you a SAHM? Was that a joint decision?
If you are a SAHM, you have enabled him to earn by doing the childcare and housework.
You've made a valuable contribution to the family.
How would you feel about getting paid work now? I think it would be wise to get a paid job and not be completely financially dependent on this selfish controlling excuse for a man.

AnotherEmma Sun 05-Mar-17 09:27:16

"Use your inheritence to learn to drive"
Now that's a good idea!

Do you have your own bank account, OP? Just in your name (not joint)? If not, opening one would be a very good idea. You can get basic bank accounts with no overdraft facility.

SpoofersAreLosers Sun 05-Mar-17 09:28:30

If you used the be 'spend,spend,spend' so badly that he had to manage the money (with your agreement) then might he be thinking that he deserves to spend on himself now. It's doesn't sound right but perhaps that's he is thinking. I suppose, if this is his thinking, it would be more understandable if you had been spending money on yourself - cloths, meals out, beauty stuff etc

LosingDory Sun 05-Mar-17 09:31:28

She's willingly handed over all the control of the money so she doesn't have to take any responsibility for herself... it's a bit unfair to immediately start labelling him as abusive when it could be that he's been forced to take control of the situation and is doing it to the best of his abilities

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing Sun 05-Mar-17 09:32:54

You mentioned he helped you with debt when you first met- did he pay some of your debt off? Maybe in a roundabout way he's seeing this as a form of getting it back? You can get really basic bank accounts and I think some colleages do a basic money management life skills course which may be useful?

AnotherEmma Sun 05-Mar-17 09:33:24

It's all very convenient for an abuser to take over when they can make the victim believe they are incapable of doing it themselves...

No one is incapable of budgeting, we can all learn.

AnotherEmma Sun 05-Mar-17 09:34:32

Also he could have helped her to learn, shown her how to do it, absolutely no need for him to take over completely and leave her in the dark. He feels entitled to make unilateral decision about how to spend all th money including her inheritance FFS. That's completely wrong.

HollySykes Sun 05-Mar-17 09:34:46

It depends. Do you both have the same amount to spend after bills etc have been paid? If you do and you've spent yours but he saved his then no he's not being selfish. If he has more money for himself the. You do then yes he is being selfish.

Graphista Sun 05-Mar-17 09:34:52

Why do you think you are bad with money?

Are you actually or has he convinced you of this?

What were the debts? What caused them?

Definitely have your own bank account. Completely separate from his - not even same banking group.

As for his 'it's my money I can spend it how I like' 2 can play that game! By that reasoning your inheritance remains yours! So he can whistle for a claim to that!!

Realitea Sun 05-Mar-17 09:35:21

I had a look at the links and he doesn't really do anything like that. He's more tight with money and selfish rather than abusive I think.

Realitea Sun 05-Mar-17 09:40:41

I do have a bank account and my wages from my job go into that. I only earn about £40 a week though.
Its not about growing some balls and managing money myself as I can't do it. He wouldn't let it happen as he's become obsessed with making sure there's money saved and making sure we don't spend too much when shopping.

AnotherEmma Sun 05-Mar-17 09:41:12

"I have a little job that takes care of clothes or toys or any extras."

Just spotted this. Is that clothes and toys for the children? It's not personal spending money for you?

Clothes and toys for the children are essential family expenses and should be coming out of the family pot.

Of course a fair way of managing the family pot would be to put all wages in (his and yours) and jointly agree a budget which includes the essentials, savings, "nice to have" things for the whole family that you can afford, and if there's money left over, an equal amount of personal spending money.

Of course I very much doubt that's what happens in this case...

Does he think of clothes and toys for the children as an unnecessary/frivolous spend and therefore insist that you pay as opposed to paying with "his" money?

Realitea Sun 05-Mar-17 09:41:14

I would be happy to help with a new car if he dropped the stupid idea of having these holidays without the family

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