Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If you found out something after 20 years together would it still upset you?

(46 Posts)
Jellybellyqueen Sat 04-Mar-17 22:00:44

Found out OH had what probably amounts to an EA, with the intent of sex (denied, of course) and intended leaving me, with someone he worked with. Happened 20 years ago, though just found out details. He says it was so long ago, just forget it. I can't, because he has had plenty of other opportunities working away (and a few close female friends from work who made me a bit uncomfortable) though of course no concrete evidence. I wonder what else I haven't found. He must have been treating our relationship with contempt when packing his condoms to work away (fact), so how can I trust he is different even it's a long time ago? Now have kids and a sahm, so it would be easier to just accept, but it still bothers me. What would you think?

BifsWif Sat 04-Mar-17 22:05:54

Yes it would upset me, and I would be questioning what else I didn't know as you are. I would have doubts about our whole relationship.

How long have you been together?

Jellybellyqueen Sat 04-Mar-17 22:07:59

About 25 years

Hassled Sat 04-Mar-17 22:08:38

Yes, it would still upset me. Something vaguely similar still does upset me after 20 years - although different, in that I found out at the time. I think it must be much worse finding out 20 years later. There's the original deceit, and then the fact the deceit has effectively been sustained all that time. You can get past this, but you need to do some talking.

ImperialBlether Sat 04-Mar-17 22:11:03

You don't know your own history, that's the problem. You thought you were living one life when really, just under the surface, there was something else going on all along.

Tbh, I would be very wary of believing this was his only fall from grace.

Did you find out or did he tell you willingly?

Jellybellyqueen Sat 04-Mar-17 22:26:19

I found out myself, he gave a few details in explanation, but I'm not sure it's the whole story. Of course I'll never find out now.

JustSpeakSense Sat 04-Mar-17 22:27:29

Yes it would bother me, I would think once a cheater always a cheater. Sorry you have found this out flowers

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Sat 04-Mar-17 22:31:39

Sorry you have had this happen flowers
I think for me it would depend on why he didn't go through with it- if he suddenly had a rush of conscience and realised he shouldn't go through with it then fair enough. If he didn't go through with it only because she backed out then that's another matter entirely.

SandyY2K Sat 04-Mar-17 22:35:39

It would definitely bother me, to know my DH intended to leave me. I'm not sure I could or would ever feel the same way towards him again. My changed feelings could be that strong, the marriage wouldn't survive. I'm not saying I'd be filing for D straight away, but my heart wouldn't be in it any more and that could very well lead me in another direction.

I also wouldn't believe he considered leaving if he hadn't slept with the OW.

Packing the condoms shows the intent.

Happybunny19 Sat 04-Mar-17 22:42:47

I think I'd be more upset after that long, the amount of time passed does nothing to lessen the pain. I'm not sure I could get over that betrayal at all. I would consider our entire history together I lie. I bet he wants to just forget it, that'll be much easier for him.

Happybunny19 Sat 04-Mar-17 22:44:00

How did you find out?

Jellybellyqueen Sat 04-Mar-17 22:50:24

Don't know if it makes a difference but I found he had packed for a work conference which was a good 6 months (maybe a year, can't remember) before he said he had started to consider her in that way. At the point he was thinking about her like this he had changed jobs but was still in touch and meeting up as friends (at the time, it was presented to me as a group meeting up, so I don't know). So either two separate things, or one long standing thing he hasn't been honest about.
I found condoms missing from bedside cabinet.

Jellybellyqueen Sat 04-Mar-17 22:53:15

Initially, that was. More recently I was questioning him about his most recent trip, as I wasn't totally happy, and this came out about the 20 yr ago thing. He swore he told me about wanting to leave for her at the time. But I know he didn't.

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 04-Mar-17 22:57:31

Do you think he was trying to convince you he'd already told you in order to undermine how upset you were? To try and say "oh you already knew so you've no right to be so put out"? If so I think that's an awful, awful thing to do.

Anyone would be upset at finding this out. flowers and hugs.

inlectorecumbit Sat 04-Mar-17 23:02:20

so why did he not leave? What reasons did he give for staying?

I am not sure that l could continue to live with now.
I would wonder just how much of our past has been based on lies.

Please don't do anything rash..Ask him to leave to let you process your thought although l would think he will try to minimise his actions and minimise your hurt and concerns. I don't think he will go tho


Jellybellyqueen Sun 05-Mar-17 10:13:00

hassled how did you manage to move on? I just keep getting random thoughts about how easy it would be for him to cheat while away, I'd never know, just as I wouldn't have known before if I hadn't stumbled upon the evidence.
We've talked a lot he says he can't remember much as it was so long ago, but he was immature then and isn't the same person now. He said he didn't have sex that time (but didn't bring condom back because he didn't want me finding it in his bag). As for his friend, he didn't leave me because he realised he loved me (and she wasn't interested in him like that). All seems v contradictory to me. Don't know how I'm meant to ever trust him again, tho he says he realised how selfish he was being when we had kids??
He has given me access to phone and computer, but doesn't mean much cause he's away, has work email I can't see, could even have a second phone I wouldn't know about.
Trying to trust he's now being honest (have told him it's over if I find anything else) but I just don't feel like I'll trust him the same again.

Jellybellyqueen Sun 05-Mar-17 10:17:04

Thx for hugs and flowers. Can't believe how many men think it's okay to mess with ppl like this, for their own selfish fun.sad
whoooo yes, I think he could be trying to minimise it, it's so unimportant and long ago to him it's like he doesn't understand why I'm not back to believing him like I did before this all came out.

Esoteric Sun 05-Mar-17 11:05:07

I so understand. I found a load of song lyrics 2 months ago, some of which he also recorded and sang on, plus a painting she did for him that my husband wrote 11 years ago for someone who worked with us at the time, she was only 21 and he was 42 and she travelled world with him as our assistant , they were full of emotional stuff like 'only you and me when I look outside the window' and not knowing which way to turn and emotions of you flowing through my soul etc, he says it was all in his head and a fantasy, I did have suspicions at time but never took it further. I am totally devastated as these too imply he wanted to escape. The fact it was 11 years ago, to me it could have been yesterday . Although he is upset that he has upset me, he really really doesn't want to discuss it, doesn't know why he did it and thinks I should just 'get over it' and accept it as a funny 5 minutes. After a 20 year marriage it's not that easy, I was running our business full time whilst he was at home 'working' and writing stuff listing after a 21 year old. Like you once it's in your head it's very hard to let go and for me those words seen and songs listened to cannot be unseen/unheard. The fact he just wants to sweep it under carpet and keeps saying 'are you ok' when I'm not just annoys the fuck out me , this too is an intelligent guy who clearly doesn't want to split, problem is now I'm not sure that I don't!!

Jellybellyqueen Sun 05-Mar-17 11:18:49

That sounds really hard on you esoteric, I agree after so long with someone you should be able to trust, for them to try and sweep it under the carpet just feels like a dismissal of your feelings.
Like you, I had suspicions, but because I trusted him I never took it further than his word there was nothing going on. I so wish I had now.
I hope you are able to decide what is best for you, whether you think you can stay with him or not (I understand that too). Good luck.

hareinthemoon Sun 05-Mar-17 11:25:33

You don't know your own history, that's the problem. You thought you were living one life when really, just under the surface, there was something else going on all along.

This is what fucks you over in this situation, and why it takes so long to "just get over it" - it's like an earthquake that undermines everything you think you know.

And because it isn't them that is feeling this way they just don't seem to be able to understand how undermining it is - not just of your relationship but of everything you thought you knew. Plus, you know, self-centred arses.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 11:29:25

Would you vonsi

MadeForThis Sun 05-Mar-17 11:31:38

It's would make be incredibly angry that he tried to claim that you knew he was thinking of leaving.
As if that kind of thing could just slip your mind.
He has very little respect for you if this is how he is trying to minimise his behaviour.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 11:34:04

Would you consider marriage counselling? I think you'd both benefit from it, but his minimising doesn't really help.

On the one hand he's saying he loved you and that's why he didn't leave, on the other hand he's saying she wasn't interested in that way. So which is it.

I also believe if you're going to work through something like this, you need full disclosure. I don't know how he would have consider leaving you, for a woman he's not had sex with and who isn't interested in him that way.

Unless she was happy with the sex, but didn't want him as a full time relationship. I've known a few OW to panic when the MM says he wants to get divorced, because they don't want to be the wife. They've seen how the wife gets treated and betrayed.

Jellybellyqueen Sun 05-Mar-17 11:53:05

Yes, we've spoken about marriage counselling, but tbh I don't think I would get a lot out of it. When I asked him if he would admit stuff to a counsellor which he hadn't told me, he said he didn't know. But there wasn't anything to tell anyway. He was supposed to be being completely honest with me in these conversations yet all I can assume from that answer is that he doesn't know if he would be honest if they asked him something I wouldn't like to hear/he hasn't told me everything. He told me he would always be honest from now on, but he's not sure if he can stick to it?? Is that what it means?
So if he's not going to be honest, what's the point in seeing someone?

Jellybellyqueen Sun 05-Mar-17 12:10:09

I don't know sandy. It sounds to me like he was looking to leave but didn't have anyone lined up, so decided staying with me was better than nothing. And I'm half wondering if that's likely to happen again. The only difference I can see now is that we now have kids and a house, plus his 'nice guy reputation'. And I'm not sure this is enough to prevent any poor behaviour on his side, if he's sure I won't find out (which I wouldn't, his work mates/friends stick together). I hate how trusting I was in the beginning, and how paranoid and messed up I am now. I can't see how it can ever stop.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: