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Just told dh I'm only staying with him for the sake of the kids

(8 Posts)
Fukitt Sat 04-Mar-17 21:01:20

We've not had a massive row, as such. He's run up some sizeable debts, and kept them hidden from me.

The same thing happened at the beginning of our relationship,12yrs ago. He promised he wouldn't hide money issues from me again.

I don't think he works very hard or tries very hard. Always a bit half arsed. I'm the main breadwinner, mostly because he isn't, not because I want to be.

I feel a bit numb. He wants to have a big row, he's packed bags, told me he's considered suicide, and thinks it would be better if he just left and that we would all be better off without him.

I told him he didn't get to run away and leave me to pick up the pieces. There is no way the kids would be better off if he ripped out the foundations of their life. Told him to bloody man up. Get a proper job, and stop being half arsed. He's 50 this year.

Anyway. Not sure why I'm posting. I feel numb. I don't love him anymore, and am staying because I have no where better to go, nowhere better to take my children, which means leaving (and taking them with me) would just be selfish and not in their best interests. I won't leave them, obviously.

Just needed to get it off my chest. Life's a bit crap sometimes.

ColdCottage Sat 04-Mar-17 21:07:20

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk this over with. I think there is problem so much depth to this that you need someone who know and loves you to talk this over with -most importantly so they can give you a big hug at the same time.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 04-Mar-17 21:09:17

Staying for the children in these circumstances is a really bad idea and teaches them a shedload of damaging lessons on relationships, lessons that they could well repeat as adults.

What do you want to teach them yourself about relationships?. It shows them that a loveless marriage for them is their norm too and staying for them is a terribly heavy burden to place upon children. It could also affect your own relationship with them going forward; they could well ask you why you stayed and call you daft for staying in such misery. Damagingly as well they could accuse you of putting your H above and before them. One day your children will leave home and sooner rather than later too if this is what life is like at home. They are not going to thank you for staying with him.

Who wants to stay with a selfish deadweight dragging you all down with him by association; someone has to be the grown up here. You've carried him for too long, time to cut him loose.

If you have not already sought legal advice then do so. Knowledge of your own legal position here is power.

VestalVirgin Sat 04-Mar-17 21:20:23

I don't quite understand. You are the main breadwinner. Why can't you leave?

Many children have divorced parents. It is not the most terrible thing ever. The friends I knew as child whose parents have divorced went all to uni and seem to be doing quite well.

HeddaGarbled Sun 05-Mar-17 00:35:22

There are better solutions than this.

Split up and work out a sensible division for time with the children.

I understand you are angry but no one should be expected to stay in a relationship once they've been told what you have just told him. You don't want him, you don't even like him, let him go.

AnyFucker Sun 05-Mar-17 00:46:04

That is a really terrible idea

WallToWallBastards Sun 05-Mar-17 00:55:53

For what it's worth, I have no relationship with my father. I have no reason to doubt my mother separating from him was anything other than the best situation, she was and is very happy despite not being with him and I'm not "damaged" in any way. It taught me I had no obligation to stay with anyone. Separating does not mean their life will be changed negatively. It does not mean they will not have a relationship with their father. It does mean you will be in a better situation and be an important role model. Would you tell your children to stay in a shit relationship for their kids? I doubt it. He is an adult and not your responsibility, your responsibility is to be the best parent you can be for your children and you need to be as happy and healthy as possible to do this.

SandyY2K Sun 05-Mar-17 08:01:25

Why do you expect him to want to stay in the marriage after what you've told him?

Divorce doesn't mean the end of the world and it is better than living in a sham or empty shell of a marriage.

Both of you can go and find happiness with another person that once you've separated and moved on.

I'm not sure what response you expected when you said that to him, it must have been very hurtful to him.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but remember this is the man you married and did presumably love very much at some point, as well as him being the father of your children.

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