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opinions on grumpy oh!

(17 Posts)
agnes158 Sat 04-Mar-17 20:01:43

This is a mini rant so feel free to skip. My oh is literally doing my head in. His default setting is negative. He will jump straight to the negative points first in any given situation, he's often grumpy and doesn't speak much. And when I do have conversations I don't often get much back. He's always been like this so it's not a new development but at the beginning I was clouded by new relationship bliss and not knowing him well etc etc. We've been together 8 years and it's slowly dawned on me how effing depressing he can be! I like to have a laugh and to joke around a bit but it's so hard to do that with him on a day to day basis (he does have a sense of humour and can make me laugh but he's got to be in a good mood- which is rare). Both his parents have this sort of negative view on life too- ie always tell you the bad stuff first when recounting events, stuff like that...so i can see where he gets it from/why it's normal to him. Any suggestions as to what i can do?? when i bring it up with him he says he's stressed at work/having a child is stressful/he feels like he does everything (he doesn't). So...i kind of get it...but it doesn't explain why he's been like this the whole 8 years as we've got a 2 year old! (and he's had 3 different jobs in that time)

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 04-Mar-17 20:11:38

I have to look at you in this as well. And you are with him now because....

What do you get out of this relationship, what needs of yours are being met here by this individual?.

Grumpy behaviour like this is another form of emotional abuse.
He has learnt this from his parents; that is what he mainly learnt about relationships from them. Is that what you want your child to learn too?. You're being dragged down with him by association.

This works for him, that is why he does this. It has you attentive to him, worried for him and you at his beck and call. You either accept this as your lot in life (not advisable) or you make a new life for yourself and your son without him in it day to day. His excuses do not wash and you know it; a lot of people have family responsibilities and they do not act like he does.

Shoxfordian Sat 04-Mar-17 20:20:47

What was the new relationship bliss with a grumpy negative man who doesn't want to talk to you? How have you stayed for 8 years?!

Hutch2017 Sun 05-Mar-17 16:17:19

My partner is like this too and I know things are over between us. I'm just in a difficult situation and don't feel I can leave at the moment.

He is grumpy most of the time, shouts at the kids and gets on their case for no reason. He acts as though the whole world is against him and over-reacts all the time. He never has fun and I even jokingly call him the 'fun sponge'. He was never always as bad as this which is why I've been with him for 15 years but he's gradually got worse and my patience is now at zero.

Sorry that doesn't help you but you're not alone in dealing with this behaviour and you have to realise its not gonna change, so do you want to put up with it forever?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 05-Mar-17 16:31:41

Are you asking us for tips on how to change your partner's personality? You can't do that. Get therapy to help you understand why your own head being done in by him. Maybe if you can react differently you can save your own mental health. Maybe the different reaction will involve no longer living together, maybe not.

You can only change your own behaviours, not his.

agnes158 Sun 05-Mar-17 16:33:43

thanks all

ImperialBlether Sun 05-Mar-17 16:34:13

I think anyone would hate living with him - she doesn't have to get therapy to understand her own reaction to a grumpy git!

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter Sun 05-Mar-17 16:40:10

I don't know what to say other than what's already been said. You can either accept that's how he is ans get on with it knowing that it won't get any better and could in fact get worse. Or move on. Make the difficult decision to leave.

My husband has always been more negative than positive but it's got so much worse in the last few years. We did have good times, great times in fact but since the children have got older his negativity has got a lot worse.

He can never find the positive in a situation and it's such hard work. The dc are now 20, 15 & 10 and i keep thinking about leaving or asking him to leave but am scared of the financial implications. We live in cheap housing now (private rent) and barely make ends meet So not sure how I could cope on just my salary.

LiveLifeWithPassion Sun 05-Mar-17 16:52:15

You can't change him but if he wants to change then maybe something like positive affirmations, gratitude and mindfulness can help him.

My dh can be negative about situations whereas I'm quite positive. I always stop him if he's negative and I ask him to tell me the positive stuff but he acknowledges he's like that and would rather not be.

agnes158 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:27:57

I had a big chat with him and he was really understanding and said he'd try harder to be more positive. And actually he has cheered up a bit these last few days so maybe i just needed to point it out again (i have pointed it out before but i think it's a lifelong habit for him). I do love him despite how my message had come across (i was a bit angry when posting as we'd just had an argument!) so im really happy he's agreed to try and be more positive

agnes158 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:30:11

thanks for all your responses. I read through them all and agree with a lot of what's been said

hellsbellsmelons Wed 08-Mar-17 15:33:34

I'm glad he is at least trying and recognises that he has this flaw.
When he reverts back just pull him up on it every time.

Adora10 Wed 08-Mar-17 15:40:23

Yes pull him up every time; he is choosing to be negative around you and is being selfish.

user1479305498 Wed 08-Mar-17 16:29:19

I sympathise Its very easy to minimise how piss awful it is when partners are like this. My OH is too (has been worse since Brexit and Trump--thats bit I understand ). I have noticed it far more too since our son left home. It makes you feel old and walking through the door feels like "oh god what are they going to be moaning about now" --add a nice dose of old school , old news infidelity in too in my case and its not exactly a recipe for feeling tickety boo. There seems a hell of a lot of miserable moaning 45-65 year old guys out there. Doesnt exactly make singledom sound enticing either , unless you decide to stay on your own!!

Hermonie2016 Wed 08-Mar-17 16:34:03

Consider cbt, even if he would read books it will help to retrain his mind.

Negative thinking isn't good for his health so it's in his interests to change his mindset.

OrangeStar Wed 08-Mar-17 19:33:00

I'm quite happy about Brexit and Trump myself, and I couldn't bear to live with a Remoanergrin!

OP I think there's negativity and negativity IFKWIM. I like a strong bit of negativity myself now and again. Because its part of life I suppose. And "negativity" can push us away from things that are not good for us, or life-affirming for us, it can help us make changes. But it sort of should fit into a "whole" where there's lots of different feelings and emotions.

Sometimes I think grumpiness can be a sign of low grade depression or just feeling low. I think even a bad diet can make you grumpy personally!
Its hard to know from your post, but I think you can probably know.

Pointing all this out to him might have given him the "oomph" to reflect, so hopefully things might get better.

agnes158 Wed 08-Mar-17 21:49:47

user1479305498 i can totally relate and think brexit/trump has been affecting our household too! My oh is 43 so i'd say just about falls into the miserable moaning 45-65 year old guys bracket as well (!). OrangeStar I think the low grade depression is more what i suffer from at times so i'm sure i have a part to play in my oh's grumpiness. He also does a lot of hours at work and most of the cooking (i know, i know...i'm a terrible cook :/ ) so perhaps he's doing more than his fair share and the stress of it comes causes his moods. I know I have to look hard at what im doing, or not doing, perhaps i need to learn to cook or not lean on him so much at times. I guess it's never black and white and when the initial anger has passed it's easier to see it's not all coming from him. We both need to make changes

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