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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:

Report

iremembericod · 04/03/2017 16:46

Of course you should mention it to him. The big question is why you haven't already, that may be very revealing as to what type of person you are coupled with.

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 04/03/2017 16:47

Fucking hell, I would hate that. It's not 'showing affection' it's a public show of groping which is grim.

That would be a deal-breaker for me if he refused to stop doing it even after you told him to.

user1486737884 · 04/03/2017 16:47

Tell him to stop is what you should do.
You are not overreacting or being silly.
If he carries on, you need to re-assess your relationship, pronto.

BluePheasant · 04/03/2017 16:48

Yes you should tell him it's not appropriate in public. Why does he feel he has to be constantly touching you?

AssassinatedBeauty · 04/03/2017 16:48

You're not being silly. You're perfectly allowed to have likes and dislikes and your boyfriend should respect them without sulking it being grumpy. It's your body after all. You're not there are a passive plaything for him.

I'd tell him one more time and tell him that if he can't respect your boundaries then that will quickly start to change how you feel about the whole relationship.

user1486737884 · 04/03/2017 16:48

And by re-assess I mean dump his ass.

UpYerGansey · 04/03/2017 16:53

Showing affection is holding your hand, helping sort the shopping, etc.
Feeling you up in public is a fucked-up means of displaying possession.
I don't blame you for feeling mortified. Tell him stop it immediately when he does it. Don't tolerate it.
Crude, knuckle-dragging behaviour.

Potplant · 04/03/2017 16:55

You're not over reacting at all.

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:57

Wow omg ok. Thank you everyone. I really do need to talk to him then. I do really like him though and he is the father of my dd and I don't want to end it with him. It is just that one thing which I wish he didnt do! I don't mind him doin it at home but just don't know why he has to grab my boobs in public. He is quite a macho type guy so maybe is to do with that.

OP posts:

ThoraGruntwhistle · 04/03/2017 17:05

An arm around you, or a quick kiss or a hand hold... fine in public. Full on griping is not. Nobody else wants to see that and more to the point, you obviously are very uncomfortable with it. Is he trying to mark you as his territory or something? Like he's afraid someone might think you're available and he wants to show you're with someone?

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 17:06

I have told him to stop before. But he says I'm overreacting

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 17:09

You have tried talking to him before about this behaviour and it still continues after a lull. What is further talking going to achieve?.

What do you get out of this relationship?. Why is your bar so very low here?

He may well be the father of your DD but that in itself is not a good reason to stay with him either. As your child gets older she will notice all this from her dad; what sort of an example will he show her?. Is this really what you want to teach your child about relationships, that its ok for her dad to grope you as her mother in public. A previous respondent is right; it is a way of displaying possession.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 17:10

If he does this in public what is he like with you at home?. I assume he continues to grope you at home as well.

FurryLittleTwerp · 04/03/2017 17:12

It's not overreacting to tell him to stop.

Overreacting would be having a full-on screaming meltdown to try to get him to stop perhaps you did this!

NameChange30 · 04/03/2017 17:12

This is unwanted sexual touching, sexual contact without your consent - otherwise known as sexual abuse.
It's a complete lack of respect and a massive red flag.
Does he disregard your wishes about other things too?

SweepTheHalls · 04/03/2017 17:13

You aren't overreacting, anything that you aren't comfortable with should not happen. I would not be at all happy with that.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/03/2017 17:15

He's showing the world that he thinks he owns you. It's disrespectful and rude. Unkind too.

Put him on a warning. Do that and we're finished.

AyeAmarok · 04/03/2017 17:15

He is quite a macho type guy so maybe is to do with that.

It's not that.

It's because he thinks he owns the rights to your body and can do with it as he damn well pleases, whether you want it or not. And he's happy to humiliate you.

What does he say/do if you're ever too tired for sex when he wants it?

HerOtherHalf · 04/03/2017 17:15

It's not appropriate in public. It's also not appropriate in private unless you are happy with it. It's your body, not his. Honestly, he sounds like an emotionally retarded jerk. BTW, obviously macho guys usually have self-esteem issues you could write a psych thesis on.

NameChange30 · 04/03/2017 17:16

"Other forms of subtle sexual abuse include fondling us in public places or in front of our family and friends when we feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about this, or any other form of repeated touching which we have told him makes us feel uncomfortable or we don't like."
From www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

Hermonie2016 · 04/03/2017 17:17

It doesn't matter if he thinks you are over reacting he should do as you ask as it's your body/personal space.

The "you are ashamed of me" is a guilt trip.Tell him if he does it in public you will walk off and make sure you do.He has to know you will enforce your boundaries.

Think of the example to your dd.We teach young children that they can say No and should be respected.

I think he understands however but it's some cheap thrill for him.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 04/03/2017 17:17

He is quite a macho type guy so maybe is to do with that

It's possessiveness, not macho. You've said you don't like it, he doesn't listen. My XH used to do that, a lot. I told him he might as well piss up my leg if he wanted to mark his territory that badly.

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ImperialBlether · 04/03/2017 17:18

He sounds really awful and yes, I would be ashamed of him. I'd be ashamed of any man who groped his partner while they were out shopping - ffs he should be showing you some respect.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 17:20

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What do your own family and friends think of him?.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2017 17:20

Gross! How degrading. Why is your bar set so low? You are not overreacting. 'No. I told you to stop doing that.' 'I'm just showing you affection.' 'No, holding hands is showing affecting, you're groping me in public and it's inappropriate. Stop it.'

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