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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What do you think ?

38 replies

kateshair · 04/03/2017 07:22

Am looking for a bit of advice .
I've been seeing a guy for a year and a half.
He has two kids with ex.
All very amicable but I found out that last week he went out to a show with her and the children.
He lied to me saying he was elsewhere.
He says there is nothing going on and is doing this to create a sense of normality for them all.
What do you all think ?

OP posts:

Report

category12 · 04/03/2017 07:29

If there was nothing to it, why did he lie?

If there's a backstory of you kicking off everytime he sees the dc and being possessive and jealous, then he should dump you, not lie to you.

If the backstory is you're perfectly reasonable and accepting of his time with the dc, then the lie suggests getting back together and something to hide.

kateshair · 04/03/2017 07:32

No back story of me kicking off every time he sees his kids !! Why would I ?
I don't like him going out with her though

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 04/03/2017 07:33

Lying for whatever reason is not acceptable. . And presumably the dc know about you so how was pretending they are together a normality? Sounds like he is having cake and eating it.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/03/2017 07:35

The lying would be the issue for me. As for 'keeping normality', how daft does he think you are? Clearly that's bullshit as normality isn't exactly playing happy families with both your parents then your dad going back to his bit on the side girlfriend. Sorry to be harsh but he's playing a good'un here.

kateshair · 04/03/2017 07:36

Yes they know about me.
God he is having his cake and eating it isn't he.

OP posts:

kateshair · 04/03/2017 07:36

He swears there is nothing going on

OP posts:

kateshair · 04/03/2017 07:39

They are divorced.
Not happy with this set up...

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/03/2017 07:44

I'm sorry he's being such a shit but he's lying to you OP. Is it truly worth the hassle?

Holly3434 · 04/03/2017 07:45

I wouldn't think he's cheating or trying to, but maybe he thought you'd feel jealous as his D.C. might have wanted to do something special with both his parents and he was frightened to tell you. I'd tell him straight your not happy with the lies about it, I'd wait to see if anything else happens before you start to think there's more to this

beingsunny · 04/03/2017 07:45

Sorry, but it's important for those children to see their parents together sometimes, they will enjoy having both mum and dad and being a family at times.

You do t really have any place saying you don't like it, they will hopefully continue to have family days together for many many years, it's a wonderful thing to be on good terms as parents even after the terrible trauma of going through a divorce and breaking up your family.

If you aren't happy about it then that almost certainly the reason he kept it from you and why he should leave.

He is putting his children first and this will always happen.

kateshair · 04/03/2017 07:50

Yes I agree it's great to be on good terms...
Just not sure where this leaves me
Surely he should be doing all this stuff with me

OP posts:

AllTheLight · 04/03/2017 07:56

I think it's nice for them to go to a show together - assuming it happens every now and then, not frequently. And assuming there aren't any other indications that he's not over his ex.

Obviously he shouldn't have lied, but it sounds like you wouldn't have been happy about it?

I think you need to have a proper conversation about what is acceptable to both of you.

kateshair · 04/03/2017 07:59

No he shouldn't have lied.
I felt/feel sick to my stomach about all this. This man I have let in my life and heart...
I'm not sure I can deal with him doing this ....
It just feels wrong

OP posts:

Bumbumtaloo · 04/03/2017 08:12

No, he shouldn't have lied for that he is in the wrong. But honestly, it's up to him if he chooses to go out somewhere with his ex and dc.

I was 9 when my parents divorced, they continued to have a friendship because of me and my brother. We all went out together for the day. My mums husband has never had issue with it, in fact him and my dad get on. If my stepsister was with us when we met up with my dad she was treated the same.

Many years later I asked my mum how they managed this, her reply was why wouldn't we? It wasn't our dc's fault we split ( DM had an affair, it must have been awful for my dad) so why should you be punished.

Now, I know in a lot of situations it isn't possible to have a relationship like that but for me it was an invaluable lesson and if me and dh ever split, I would hope we could replicate for our children.

So yes your DP was wrong for lying but not for spending time together with his ex and DC.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/03/2017 08:17

The more I read your replies, the more I think that actually, to you, the main issue isn't that he lied but that he spent the time with his kids and ex wife. Now, leaving aside the lying aspect altogether, while I don't think it's entirely necessary, he obviously wants to be with his ex and kids as a family, which you aren't comfortable with. You're never going to win that argument, his kids will (and should) come first. Fundamentally I think you differ in your boundaries etc and I don't think that's the recipe for a good relationship, especially when he starts lying too.

Sweets101 · 04/03/2017 08:59

He shouldn't have lied but if he knew you would have a problem as she would be there and you think it should be you I can see why he did.
All them going to a show together is about the children getting to go with both their parents, why wouldn't you like that?
I couldn't be with a partner who had a problem with my DC getting to do the odd thing with both parents. Co-Parenting is like having an extra relation. You don't be romantic but there is a family tie and even if you don't like them much you put on a happy face on occasion for other family members.
If anything, the fact they are divorced but civil is a good sign, you don't retain anger once you are over someone. I'd be more concerned I they couldn't do this for their DC as it would suggest they were more focused on their old romantic relationship then their new one as separated co-parents.

Sweets101 · 04/03/2017 09:01

It leaves you in the role of his new romantic partner and his ex in the role of the DC's other parent. That's all.

Hermonie2016 · 04/03/2017 09:01

Why does he say he lied? If he has been dismissive of your feelings that is worrying.

kateshair · 04/03/2017 09:15

Thank you all for your replies...
I'm an indeed fighting a Losing battle. I get it that he wants to be the best dad he can be and I do understand it.
I truly believe he is not cheating with her and has no intention to do so.
I guess the worry here is how do I progress In this ? I want stability and security. I don't want to cause hurt to his kids. I love this man.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I think that then you will understand where I am coming from.
Believe me I'm not a throw all my dolls out of the pram type of person

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kateshair · 04/03/2017 09:16

He hasn't been dismissive of my feelings he is upset that i am upset

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RandomMess · 04/03/2017 09:22

How often does he intend doing a family thing that includes his Ex? Twice a year is no big deal provided he's not going to lie about it!

Was this something planned before you were on the scene?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 04/03/2017 09:35

I think you need to break up with him. You come across as selfish and possessive and you have no place "progressing" in his life to the detriment of his actual family. Yes, his actual family. That includes his ex. You are just a girlfriend who has been around for the last two minutes. What he built with his actual family is special.

You could be supportive and one day become a part of that family, but let's face it, you want the family separated and revolving around you.

I can't believe you have a problem with him seeing the mother of his children. The are tied together for the rest of their lives.

Go find yourself someone without a family and their world might revolve around you. I already feel sorry for the MIL...

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kateshair · 04/03/2017 10:31

To the previous poster ....do f#ck off dear.
To all others I thank you wholehearltly for you good advice.
Yes if it is going to be twice a year then that's ok..
We need to have a deeper talk xx

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WorldWideWish · 04/03/2017 10:33

How do you progress? You tell him that you trust him and that you understand he is a good dad. You tell him that you're ok with him spending time with his ex and their kids three or four times a year (or whatever). You tell him that it is absolutely not ok for him to lie about it when he does.

If you feel unable to say the above, I think you should end it.

WorldWideWish · 04/03/2017 10:34

Sorry cross post. Sounds good OP.

Flip

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