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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I don't know what the hell I'm doing

41 replies

Leamum78 · 04/03/2017 03:03

I've been with my husband 20 years and married for 6 and we have 5 kids, but for 14 years I've been having an affair with a much older single man - I'm 39 he is 62. I stopped it for 6 years when hubby and I got married but last August I found out hubby cheated on me and we separated. We got back together again for a while but I'm no longer in love with him so I'm in the process of moving out and separating. Anyway when we seperated I got back together with the older man and we are seeing each other once or twice a week. He tells me all the time he loves me and I love him but I'm son scared to get in a proper relationship as I don't know where it's going and I don't want to get hurt again. There also is the age thing although that doesn't bother me but I just don't know what to do and whether I can trust him not to hurt me

OP posts:

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Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2017 03:34

The best thing you can do is take a step back and take some time just focussing on you and your kids.

If the relationship is meant to be there's no harm in waiting a few months.

Your kids are going through a huge change in their lives and they need you right now.

highinthesky · 04/03/2017 03:36

Agreed, put the kids first for now.

Not being in an active relationship for a while could be v positive given that you have been in one since you were a teenager.

Normandy · 04/03/2017 04:11

You split with hubby because he was cheating on you, meanwhile you've had a 14 year affair (minus those 6 years)??

Right.

I'd say you need to take a step back from relationships and focus on yourself and children for a while.

Tootsiepops · 04/03/2017 04:49

You split with hubby because he was cheating on you, meanwhile you've had a 14 year affair

Exactly. And op doesn't want to get in to a relationship because she doesn't want to get hurt again.

I think there are some serious self-esteem and commitment issues going on here.

HappyJanuary · 04/03/2017 06:57

I'm surprised you split over dh's affair, given that you'd been having one for years.

Why did you get back together if you don't love him and have cheated on him for years?

Some of the stories on here make me feel like I'm on another planet. Awful how cruel people can be to each other. It's obvious that you need to separate op, and then you can decide whether to pursue a proper relationship with the other guy or not.

Unless he's married too, in which case consider scraping your dignity off the floor and walking away from him too.

Leamum78 · 04/03/2017 17:44

He is not married. I don't believe in breaKing up other people'say marriages. Yes I was wrong to cheat on hubby for 14 years but I give up cheating to be wit has him when we married that's why it hurts so much that he did it then. If it would have been before I would have let it slide

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 04/03/2017 18:02

I think you have a strange take on commitment as you had children with your husband whilst having an affair?

I think you need to step back and focus on your children.Why do you need this man since you have been apart for 6 years?
It feels like you are afraid to be alone.

Yes the age difference is a big issue, which will get worse in 10 years time.You know it's wrong but your neediness is making you overlook it.

Affairs are not real life, don't assume you know each other as living together is very different.

0dfod · 04/03/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrenchLavender · 04/03/2017 18:10

Are you 100% sure that all your children are your husband's? I find it breathtaking that you can continue having children with one man while having an affair with another.

wherearemymarbles · 04/03/2017 19:34

Dont go there, work kn yourself. The age gap is ridiculous. When you are a bouncey 55 year old he could have the 1st signs of dementia. My sister is 55 and her husband is 70. She is having to start making adjustments, some of which will be quite major.

Anyway, how many of your children do you think he fathered?

FrenchLavender · 05/03/2017 05:50

Have you posted about this before OP? It's ringing a bell.

Leamum78 · 05/03/2017 07:23

No I haven't posted before - I know my hubby is definitely the father to 3 of my kids, the other two I think is the other man'seeking. I admit I have issues and have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past. The other man is who I've always wanted to be with right from the day we met but I was only 18 and he was 42 and didn't want anymore kids as he has two from a previous marriage. My hubby on the other hand wanted kids and I wanted a family so I went with my head and not my heart. I feel awful about this all but I'm in love with him and always have been

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 05/03/2017 07:35

So you are in a relationship then. You are back with your older man.

Does DH know about the OM? And the doubt over the parentage of your DCs?

Have a break from men while you set up a new home with your DCs. Does OM want to be involved with your children? I think best case scenario you live with your DCs and then have private time with OM but don't play happy families with him. Don't introduce him to kids and start all that extra instability. He had his chance before you settled with DH.

hesterton · 05/03/2017 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Underthemoonlight · 05/03/2017 07:47

I find it difficult to have any sympathy op when you've admitted two of your DC are the other mans and your ex dh is none the wiser. You really cannot take the moral high ground with your dh because he cheated in your marriage when you had a full of relationship with another man for the majority of the length of your relationship to your dh, resulting in two DC not being his. Imagine their horror to find out there dad isn't there dad but a man their mother kept secret for 14 years. I think you need to focus on your DC here and come clean with them.

Leamum78 · 05/03/2017 07:50

Hubby knows there are two that might not be his and he knows about om but thinks it finished before we were married, which it did but he doesn't know I've started up again with him from August. I don't want to move in with om as my kids mean world to me and it wouldn't be right to introduce another man in their lives so soon after breaking up with hubby. I want to be in my own house on my own and have time to sort my head out but I also want a proper commitment and a proper relationship with om without having to sneak around and lie to people

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 05/03/2017 08:20

Do you poor kids know another man isn't there dad? If I was you I would be having a DNA test to find out immediately as a priority

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/03/2017 08:28

You are making a mess of other people's lives.

Stop being so selfish.

You are being used ffs.

And stop using your depression as an excuse.

Leamum78 · 05/03/2017 08:35

I'm not using my depression as an excuse, I don't have depression now and what gives you the right to say I'm being used. Om would not sTaylor in relationship withat me for 14 years and tell me he loved me if he didn't want to be with me - why would he put up with all the shit i give him if he didn't love me. As for ruining people's lives you don't have a clue what I've been through in my past so don't think u are in a position to judge

OP posts:

robinia · 05/03/2017 08:38

As usual in these type of questions, I will go against the general concensus!

I think what you are suggesting is fine. Get yourself set up in your own home. Get your dc settled. Continue seeing your om secretly for a little while longer. Then introduce very gradually, just as you would if it was a new relationship.

Maybe a few years down the line the time will be right to let your dc know the full story.

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear · 05/03/2017 08:43

As for ruining people's lives you don't have a clue what I've been through in my past so don't think u are in a position to judge

It doesn't matter what you have been through in your past, it still doesn't make it ok.

Underthemoonlight · 05/03/2017 08:45

Op you could be potentially ruining two of your dcs lies by keeping such a big secret that the man who raised them isn't their biological dad there massive repercussions and fallouts.

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Happybunny19 · 05/03/2017 08:45

So you've put this highly dubious double standard of a relationship out there on a public forum and are now getting shirty about being judged. Good luck with that OP.

KateDaniels2 · 05/03/2017 08:49

You ask why he would put up with shit if he didnt love you?

Why did you husband accept the cheating and that you had 3 kids with another man? Why did you marry a man that you had been cheating on for over a decade? People put up with all sorts of crap for loads of reasons. It doesnt aleays mean love or that a proper relationship will work.

Does the OM know he has two kids with you? He must have at least asked. Does he bother with he own children, support them emotionally and financially?

Or is he quite happy with sleeping with you while your husband picks uo the slack.

More importantly do the kids know that your husband is not their father.

Spend some time on you own. Not seeing the OM at all. Sort yourself out. If not for your own sake, for your kids.

Leamum78 · 05/03/2017 09:09

Yes the om knows they may be his and his children are all grown up now, he did support them when they were younger. No my kids don't know and they won't know as my hubby doesn't want them to. Om is happy to get involved with my kids but I don't want him to have anything to do with them until I know it's going somewhere so I don't mess up my kids lives anymore. I didn't go into this with my eyes closed and I regret it happened the way it did but you can't help who you fall in love with. My only regret is that if I was stronger when I was younger I wouldn't have married dh

OP posts:

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