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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do I believe him? Do you?

72 replies

Cinelove · 04/03/2017 02:21

Hi guys,

I've namechanhed as this is identifying to those I've spoken to. I'm going mad trying to think and need help. I know my situation is not that bad compared to others but would hate to miss the warning signs and then have one of those awful stories in 10 years time.

Backstory;
At the start of our relationship my bf was messaging his ex. I saw the messages later and we had a massive row - I forgave him because it had been at the start of our relationship.
He's a jealous guy, especially if my ex whom I remained friends with - this has improved a lot and we rarely argue about this now.
More recently, I admitted to me that he had been flirting with another woman in a forum and when she found out about me (via social media) she threatened (apparently in a joking manner) to tell me. He decided to tell me so the story wouldn't be exaggerated and he maintains it was harmless 'banter'. After a row I forgave him because I believed it was just banter.
Today;
Events led to me having his phone and I noticed that (hidden away) he had two apps (both known for hooking up). Both his profiles had him listed as single and looking for women. I could almost forgive this or believe his excuse of "I was bored and wanted to check it out, but the fact that he messaged women on those sites bothers me. He claims he had no intention of taking it further. I'll never know.
I also found that he had continued talking to the ex who we had a row about earlier on (and he had deleted her number and sworn not to talk to her).
He maintains all the above happened because he was bored and was checking new things out and meant nothing. Says he's sorry and he loves me. I want to believe it but I don't. Do you ?

I can only imagine how many typos are here ; I apologise. I'm also sorry for the length.

OP posts:

Report

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 04/03/2017 02:31

You'll need an extinguisher to put out those flaming pants op.

ArchNotImpudent · 04/03/2017 02:47

Sounds like absolute bollocks on his part, OP.

chatnanny · 04/03/2017 02:49

Have to agree; not acceptable.

Janey50 · 04/03/2017 02:53

No I don't believe a word it. Sorry OP but it sounds like a complete load of bollocks.

Oddsockspissmeoff · 04/03/2017 03:01

I don't think anyone is going to believe that rubbish Op. Doesn't help you though, because you probably want to believe it. Often there is no complicated reason or excuse for doing these things. They wanted to so they did. It's shitty and horrible but better to know now.

daisychain01 · 04/03/2017 03:03

Why are you still with him after so many lies, so early on in your relationship. He sounds like a catch NOT.

He is the person for whom the name Pinocchio was invented.

Do I believe him? Do you?

highinthesky · 04/03/2017 03:12

Well you've spotted the warning signs now. Be kind to yourself and cut him loose.

I know just how hard this is but take the short term pain for the sake of your future.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 04/03/2017 03:15

No I wouldn't believe him. I forgave my STBEXH over and over for this kind of thing. It nearly destroyed my confidence, trust and self worth.

LouisevilleLlama · 04/03/2017 03:18

Gotta say without knowing the history that you can talk to your ex and he can't his seems a little odd but on the whole I don't believe him

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2017 03:25

He is only sorry he got caught. This is not normal behaviour from a loving committed partner.

Ditch him

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2017 03:30

Just to be clear I mean looking at hook up sites because you are bored is not normal behaviour from a loving committed partner.
Plenty of other sites to look at that don't involve looking for other women if you are bored.

TheStoic · 04/03/2017 03:59

Plenty of better hobbies to choose from if he's bored.

pillowcase6 · 04/03/2017 04:22

Please leave this guy. He might be quite nice but he has problems with cheating and flirting that will not go away, and you'll be miserable.

Tootsiepops · 04/03/2017 04:34

I'd leave, op. He's behaving badly and you know it. He'll only do it again (or worse) next time he's 'bored'.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 04/03/2017 04:49

Yes I think he's cheating, or planning to. You don't go on hook-up sites because you're bored!

Why are you allowed to stay friends with your ex but he's not allowed to be in contact with his? That doesn't seem ok.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/03/2017 04:50

Actions speak louder than words. His excuses are weak and superficial and just cheap lip service to maintain his status quo.
He is certainly thinking about being with other women which is a breach of trust in your relationship (presuming you both have agreed to being exclusive). Thinking about it-is a step towards actually doing it. With this kind of doubt, would you be able to be certain that he has not already slept with other women (while in the relationship with you)? This is definitely not a little problem because your sexual health depends on his fidelity (and vice versa).

dudsville · 04/03/2017 04:51

When I'm bored I pick a hobby, not contemplate what my options are for hooking up.

MerryMarigold · 04/03/2017 05:05

It sounds like he needs validation from women that he's worth something. He will keep looking for this, whatever he says, probably an addiction. He's led to you and now trust is gone. You can't get it back really. Don't have any children with this man and protect your self esteem now by getting out.

Eminado · 04/03/2017 05:20

Way too many (big) lies too soon. Sorry OP

Sugarlumps333 · 04/03/2017 05:37

Surely you know almost word for word the responses that you will get to this. I don't think anyone is going to tell you they believe it.

NotYoda · 04/03/2017 05:43

Tell him to take up pottery and then, I'd suggest, leave him. He cannot be trusted.

Chocolatedreamsandtea · 04/03/2017 05:46

Another one saying of course I wouldn't believe it.

The 'banter' with the ow has been gaslighted to you.

Never mind the apps - he's been sexting someone else. And his ex who he promised not to.

Was there any overlap between you and the ex? It sounds like this guy has form for cheating and a very low self esteem that he using women to pep up.

Consider your options for leaving

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picklemepopcorn · 04/03/2017 05:55

There's no reason to stay with this man.

DoctorTwo · 04/03/2017 06:02

I'd be more inclined to believe him if he said he had a unicorn in his shed tbh.

AyeAmarok · 04/03/2017 06:05

Of course it's not innocent boredom.

He will always, always have an eye on, and be actively making inroads with, your replacement, or at least a bit on the side for him to amuse himself. You will never be secure in this relationship and it will turn you into an irrational jealous wreck.

Just walk away.

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