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How do I move on?(11 Posts)
DH left me two weeks ago. Married 11 months, together for 9 years. Two DD's who are currently living two days with me, five with him that everyone's happy with. It's been coming for a long time as we've been on and off for going on ten years but he made the decision to leave and left with all his stuff in the middle of the night while I was asleep. No note, nothing. I found out when I woke up and all of his things were gone. He'd found a place behind my back, set up a room for DD's etc a few weeks beforehand. That hurt, he's a bastard and all of the other nasty things I want to say but I really want to be strong this time. No taking him back when he's done having his fun. No drunk texts or calls. No more being weak. With all he's done it looks like he's done for good. We're civil for the children's sake but our texts are one sentence questions and a one word response and when I have them we're friendly but to the point. It's a very civil changeover for them even if I want to scream.
I've scrubbed the house top to bottom to remove any trace of him. I've been out for dinner and drinks with my friends. I live alone with my dog, attend university three days a week as a mature student and work part time in a club until 5/6am three nights a week to make ends meet. I still find myself with lots of time by myself and I know that should be a good thing but I'm so lonely and I don't feel like I'm moving forward. I feel like I'm stuck in misery with occasional bursts of me putting on a smile to attempt to be social.
I just have so many thoughts and questions. When do you take your wedding and engagement rings off? When do you stop feeling empty? How do you stop yourself contacting them when you're so low it's physically painful?
Are you happy seeing so little of your children? And do you realise that when you start to earn you will have to pay him child support?
If you have a lot of spare time why are you "happy" with having your girls only 2 days a week ?
OP this is very early days to be thinking about moving on. Don't put pressure on yourself. Take time to adjust.
Are you happy with this arrangement for your children? Is he normally the care giver?
I'm not happy only having my children twice a week but it's what they want. I suffer with chronic illnesses and find it difficult to get out of bed some days. I claim ESA and PIP and work on a 0 hour contract when I'm able to make ends meet within my permitted work section of ESA as I don't receive the full amount from them due to student loans. I have no family support so being essentially a single mother is doing them a disservice. With their father they're more consistently taken care of, he can drive so they get to school and after school activities consistently and I have them overnight twice a week and during the day at weekends so it amounts to about two full days. I'm sorry if I'm drip feeding but I didn't think it'd be a question that was asked.
Happy with the arrangement is a bit of a broad term. I'm not happy with any of the situation I'm in but it's the best for the children. We still talk daily but me being unwell is something they've dealt with daily for six years now so it's become routine that's DH was the primary caregiver, even when we all lived as a family.
By free time I meant time alone. When I'm well I'm able to go out with friends to the cinema or for dinner but when I'm unwell I'm bed or sofa bound unable to do much for myself and that impacts my thought processes. I start feeling worthless, sad and generally just low about everything when I feel like I should be being productive, getting through things etc mentally even if I'm unable to physically at that time.
I'm a shit mother, a shit wife and a shit friend right now. I just want to feel better.
Oh op, you aren't a shit person!
Your husband has left you, how you feel is perfectly normal!
If the arrangements work for you all then that's your decision no one else's.
You will feel low & empty for some time however please don't just give up! Keep going out, seeing friends & being sociable, it's hard but will get easier.
I don't know how I'm going to finish this year of uni. I went into it as I wanted to do something productive while I was ill but it's an hour away by car and i can't drive. DH used to take me as we had class on the same days but I don't think that's appropriate now. On public transport it's £60 a week there and back again which I can't afford.
I feel like my life has crumbled around me and like I'm trying to put it back together with half the pieces missing and PVA glue. At least the DD's are coming tomorrow and I can spend all day with them at the park as I'm feeling mobile right now. I just look like shit and during the drop off i want to look refined and put together as a hint to DH that I'm doing fine. I'm not.
Can you get a hardship loan from the uni for travel? Is it a funded course or are you paying? If it's not vocational, can you cut down the days you attend and just go in for seminars? I did the whole of my first degree that way.
There is a hardship loan available but the application process can take up to four weeks. I plan to hand in my application next week as I need to attend an important seminar on Wednesday but I'm going to be unable to make it in the other two years.
It's paid for through student finance so I'm paying for it via a tuition loan. There's an attendance criteria and I've missed a lot already due to ill health. I've been lucky to pass all assignments so far so it hasn't been an issue as of yet. The lecturers say the issue comes when there's little hope of passing so I hope if I miss a few general lectures it won't affect me passing.
You have a lot going on. Can you speak to a counsellor at your university? Your H leaving the way he did is very shocking. Please get as much support as you can. I wish you all the best.
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