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Should I let stbxh look after dc in my house?

(41 Posts)
Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 20:55:03

I have posted a few times on here over the past few months but here's a summary - I need some advice on how to handle this situation...
Together with stbxh for 20 years 2 dc 10 and 4. Abusive relationship (physically in the early days but since the kids it's been emotional and verbal) he finally started speaking to my son in the same way so I decided enough was finally enough. I ended the relationship but felt that the best thing was to stay until may when I could remortgage and buy him out but we were most definitely living separately as much as possible. During this period of about a month his behaviour became unbearable - first came superman/dad - this didn't work on me so he moved on to horrific verbal abuse of me in front of the kids and behind their backs, he started using the kids against me and bringing them into our arguments that didn't work either so he tried to drive a wedge between me and my ds and this didn't bring me back 'In line' either. so he then upped his game to really threatening behaviour and I actually felt scared. So 2 weeks ago i reported him to the police and made him leave by telling him that if he didn't go I would press charges and I had reported him to the authorities. He was out of our house faster than you can blink. I didn't hear from him for nearly a week, he then contacted me to see if I would allow him to see the kids. I agreed.
He has been seeing them every couple of days for a few hours. He is temporarily living with a family member and has to move out next Tuesday. He informed me that he has a flat share which he can stay in til I can get him the money in may but that it is not suitable to take the dc to so has suggested that he spend some time with them here..
I am uncomfortable with this and I don't know what to do. Since he left I have started to see even clearer how bad the situation was and the thought of him being here makes me really stressed but I want to do the right thing by the dc. Is this just another way of controlling me? I understand that if he always has to spend time with them outside then it's not the same and not relaxed for them... but does it matter?
He can obviously come back to live here any time he likes since we are still married and it's his house but if he tried this I would ring the police and this, I think, is why he seems clear that he is not coming back here to live ever again.
The other thing is that my ds(10) has been coming to Terms with the new situation and I have been supporting him in his up/down moods and anger about it all but I have made it very clear that his dad will not be coming back due to his atrocious behaviour of us all. He is getting better now but he still loves his dad and wants to spend time with him of course. If his dad came here would this be sending him mixed messages?
I feel (maybe selfishly) that this house is now 'a safe space' for us and I don't want him here again!
Any thoughts appreciated!

Alpies Fri 03-Mar-17 20:56:30

Quite simply NO.

AnyFucker Fri 03-Mar-17 20:58:05

I wouldn't let this prick over the threshold

Hassled Fri 03-Mar-17 20:59:33

No - there has to be a better solution somewhere. I can see why you want to help them have some sort of contact, but not in your home, and not now. You'll never be able to even start to move on while he's regularly there.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:00:59

He hasn't even been through the door since he left, he has asked me to get him the odd thing he needs on the doorstep when he drops them off and I don't even let him get it himself. Instinctively I felt this was really wrong but didn't know whether I was being unreasonable and that the dc would suffer with nowhere to spend any time with their dad. Yet again I'm just being made to feel like the bad guy and fell for it once more!
I haven't said anything to his request yet.

Moanyoldcow Fri 03-Mar-17 21:02:57

No fucking way.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:03:26

The thought of it actually made me so anxious but I just imagined the kids sat in a cold dingy cafe in the dark while i am living it up in my lovely warm house. He's really fucked with my head over the years the cunt.

kittybiscuits Fri 03-Mar-17 21:04:43

Not for one second!

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:06:13

I was also thinking that it would not put me in the best position either, if he did turn nasty then I would look like a bit of a hypocrite after everything I have said about him and then letting him come and see them here. My friend said maybe I could do it but just go out at the times he's here.. but I don't trust him here.. I'm right aren't I. No fucking way

PippaFawcett Fri 03-Mar-17 21:06:43

No. May isn't that far away, he can muddle through until then. Well done, you have made the right decision to leave him.

ohfourfoxache Fri 03-Mar-17 21:06:54

No. Never ever ever ever ever.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:07:54

He said our dd will benefit from him being able to put her to bed sometimes... he never fucking did that when we were together so...

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Fri 03-Mar-17 21:08:14

He will have to find somewhere to take the dc to spend time with them like other fathers.
Your mh is as important as them seeing their df.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:09:38

Unanimous then!
Does anyone have any suggestions on what to say to him about it? I don't want to get into a conversation, argument or look like he has had an effect on me. I just want to be direct but polite and in control but not emotional? Or maybe emotional I don't know!

kittybiscuits Fri 03-Mar-17 21:12:55


kittybiscuits Fri 03-Mar-17 21:13:34

But but but 'That's my decision'. The end.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:14:49

Ha - I forgot that 'no is a complete sentence'
What about something like 'with regards to you coming here to spend time with the dc, I have considered it and I am not comfortable with it, sorry.' (Not sorry)?

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:20:33

Yeah fuck him. You'd have thought that after summoning up the courage to call the police on him and seeing that through I would have been strong enough to tell him to fuck the fuck off with any further shit. He knows that the dc are my main priority and that he can get to me this way.
Thank you all for your honest responses! I've said this before but without the people on here telling me to sort my life out I would never have even rang WA In the first place. smile

kittybiscuits Fri 03-Mar-17 21:22:59

There isn't going to be any contact with the children at my house. No apology. Would that do?

AnyFucker Fri 03-Mar-17 21:27:33

"I have given this some thought and the answer is no"

The End

kittybiscuits Fri 03-Mar-17 21:30:27

'Sorry I didn't realise you were being serious. The answer's no, obviously'

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:36:54

I like all 3! smile

category12 Fri 03-Mar-17 21:41:33

Keep your house a safe space.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 03-Mar-17 21:44:07

Yes category, that is most definitely what my gut is telling me too.

MadeForThis Fri 03-Mar-17 21:52:42

He can have fun with the kids anywhere.
Don't let him back in.

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