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Emotionally drained- I need just someone to hold my hand

(9 Posts)
swannview Fri 03-Mar-17 20:07:26

Evening all.

I've posted a couple of times over the past few weeks regarding my separation after a 12 year marriage. 3 DC, no surviving family on my side, his are overseas as he is foreign. My decision to end the marriage after years of emotional and physical abuse. I have appointed a solicitor and will meet up with him next week to finalise details before the proceedings start.

Our circumstances are not ideal. We had/have a business in his name. I was a SAHM Mum for so many years. I never had open access to money without him knowing where it had been spent and so I never managed to build my own nest egg. Now we're separated I need to start building for the future of the DCs and I. His friend has since taken over running the business whilst STBXH has gone into business elsewhere. As I have no childcare provision, although not ideal, I asked his friend for a few days work so I had at least some form of income. It's less than a mile from school, the hours are ideal and it's a job I can do with my eyes closed. STBXH and said friend are living in the flat above.

DS had surgery this week which meant he has been off school. I was asked to work today and so DS came with me and there was no issue with him being upstairs whilst I worked as his father was there to take care of him.

At one point when I went to check on him, I had STBXH asking me what I was playing at making so much noise whilst I was working  apparently I was laughing too loud and my voice was disturbing him upstairs. I asked him what the problem was as I was well aware of my conduct and how I needed to behave. He said that as long as I was working in his shop then I would need to act as he saw fit. To avoid an argument in front of DS, I went downstairs and continued to work. At the end of the day, I didn't want to let his friend down.

A short while later he came downstairs and asked to speak to me in private. What started off with him telling me that we should put all personal problems to one side, ended with him telling me that he would appoint three barristers to represent him in court, that financially I would get nothing from him, and that one day the DCs would want to choose him over me anyway (because financially he will be in a better position, and of course, money buys love).

He stormed out, and on his way, said to the girl that also works there, who we have known for three years that she had better keep her distance from me because if she doesn't she will find herself out of a job. She was visibly upset by this and told me that it was only a matter of weeks ago when he went away for a few days and I worked with her, that he told her to try and get close to me to see if I would open up to her, for her to find out if I had someone else in my life and let him know.

What kind of fuckwit is he? He is not only still trying to control me, he is now also getting the staff involved and controlling her too. I am drained. Absolutely emotionally and mentally drained. I told him that any contact from now on would have to be through the solicitors alone.

I am scared. Scared for the future of the DC and I. He has dodged his income for years and told me he won't pay a penny maintenance wise because he has nothing to show. He wants joint custody, but has nowhere sufficient in which the DCs can stay with him as I don't want them staying in the house with another male who isn't even a relative. He has emotionally abused me for so many years that I don't even know what strength, if any, I have. I can't get to see my solicitor until next Friday.

I don't even know what I'm trying to get from this post. I just need to offload. For someone to tell me that I'm at fault or not. I have nobody I can talk to and it hurts. He's hurt me and I hate him for it 

kittymamma Fri 03-Mar-17 20:32:05

You are in a pretty rubbish position, but you are definitely not at fault here. He sounds very angry and losing the control he had over you, especially as you are still within the same environment.

The job situation sounds terrible, so am I right in understanding that you are doing the same job you have always done as part owner, now as an employee because your ExH has passed over running of it to him? You need some legal advice here, because this seems very unfair. Unfortunately I don't have any. FWIW, I doubt he really wants the joint custody, I think he is using it to control you. Just don't rise to it.

swannview Fri 03-Mar-17 20:40:57

Kittymamma you've hit the nail on the head. He doesn't like the fact that he doesn't have full control anymore. He saw me with lipstick on last week and told me I looked ridiculous and that most people were trying to make themselves look younger whilst I just looked ridiculous sad He didn't like it when I told him I wasn't actually wearing it for him so his opinion didn't matter smile

Regarding work- it's a coffee shop. When the children started full time education I found myself helping out in the shop more and more. He gradually spent less time there and used my position to his advantage by going out drinking every other night and not coming home until 1-2am. He knew that I would take responsibility. I am now there just a few hours a week now as a member of staff sad it's a job I love and do it with pride. It's just so unfortunate that STBXH still owns it. My name never was on the lease.

kittymamma Fri 03-Mar-17 20:57:11

He sounds very mean and vindictive. It is an environment you need to be out of because it takes a long time to recover from it. If the job makes you happy though, just do your best to avoid any situations where you are alone with him.

I was in a relationship with a man like this many years ago, I'd also invested financially into his job, and walked away without a penny (we had no children so it was easier to break contact), emotionally it took me a long time to heal. You need a distraction. Could I suggest embracing a hobby in these hours where you are alone and dwelling on the stuff you wish you could change but can't right now? I took up online gaming as real escapism, it was pretty great actually as it gave me the social contact I needed while allowing allowing me to not have to face anyone, I was pretty insecure. I'm not suggesting you start online gaming but just something that can distract you somewhat. Dwelling is bad for your mental health, which needs some tlc right now! flowers

swannview Fri 03-Mar-17 21:14:33

I am an avid crafter- or at least when my mood lets me. I sell online and take great pleasure from interacting with the people who follow my page. It's a great release and a lovely confidence boost. I just wish my mood would let me be more productive.

I've had at least two evenings this week where I've needed a power nap by 7pm because I have felt so drained. I'm lucky that the DCs are old enough to sit and be entertained with a film and they can get their own snacks etc (thought I should add that in as I didn't want anyone thinking I was neglecting them!)

The thing that has really got me wondering is that he can go from being the most vile and threatening person in an argument, to then almost pleading with me that we need to be civil and put our personal problems to one side for the sake of the kids. He tells me that he isn't scared of anyone and certainly not my solicitor, yet why is he so adamant that we come to a mutual agreement before we go to mediation? Surely if he wasn't scared or worried then it wouldn't matter what terms I laid out on the table?

swannview Sat 04-Mar-17 08:33:12

I realise it's not the most important of posts and it's all very drawn out but I'm starting to question my own actions and I know that's because of years of emotional abuse.

He has taken away my strength and the belief in myself. He even said to DS yesterday that any time he wanted to leave me and go live with him, then he could.

I'd give anything to have my mum back for her just to tell me it'll all be ok sad

highinthesky Sat 04-Mar-17 08:38:44

You need to get out of this toxic man's orbit completely, and find suitable p/t work elsewhere.

mummytime Sat 04-Mar-17 08:43:58

If it is a coffee shop - there are other coffee shops! Do everything you can to totally extract yourself from him. Are you in contact with Women's aid? If not contact them, get advice on anyway you can fund legal advice.

You really need to not see STBE, and to keep any dealings with him very business like.
Do talk to others, especially Mum's at the school gate - who can be incredibly supportive and a wealth of information.

swannview Sat 04-Mar-17 08:47:31

You're right highinthesky

Things are all so up in the air. Come April my DS will be starting a new school and as my DDs are on a list, I will have three children in two schools ten miles apart. I am worried about things like paying for breakfast and after school clubs.

My DS is disabled and is currently on crutches for six weeks after surgery this week. I am just trying my upmost best to do what I can for the three of them, but the STBX has drained me completely.

I design and create home wares and would love nothing more than to be able to make a real go of that and make it my job which would be ideal to suit the needs of the DCs, but as with everything I'm scared of falling flat on my face because I've always been made out to fail before I've even tried sad

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