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Feeling really uncomfortable after this exchange...

(104 Posts)
Sassypants82 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:14:32

Just went with DH to pick up our DS from creche. As we were getting into our car, I gears a little shout & looking into the car beside us, saw the little baby (about 8 months old) of another mother, whose child attends creche. She was just sitting in her seat & responded to my smile and seemed happy & relaxed. We all know this is wrong, incredibly dangerous & seriously illegal. We've all heard the terrible stories of babies perishing in hot weather etc. I said to my husband that I wanted to wait until the mother came out and back to her baby. At this, he got really (strangely) agitated & stressfully asked me to 'please get into the fucking car'. My DH & I do not speak to one another like this & I'm appalled that he spoke to me, like that, in front of my almost 3 year old.
He was so agitated & strange that I got into the car as opposed to waiting with the baby as I wanted to. I said I felt very uncomfortable about leaving her & he said that I need to report her & take her number plate in that case, not approach her outside creche & create a 'situation'.
1. I had no intention of losing the plot with her, rather remind her that this is not OK & that her dd was shouting & I suppose somewhat shame her into thinking twice the next time.
2. I was NOT happy with how my DH spoke to me & calmly said so. He replied that he didn't want me acting vigilante, basically.
I reminded him that I am responsible for my own behavior & it's not within his control to ask me to do, or not behave however I decide to, as I'm an independent adult. Furthermore, I told him his tone & language us not acceptable & I will not allow him to speak to me like that. I would have liked to discuss it more but DS was getting a little upset & picking up on vibes. He has gone to paint our nursery furniture now & I'm with DS who is happily having his Friday evening TV time. I feel so uncomfortable at the fact that I left a baby locked in a car and at how DH spoke to me. This is VERY out of character for him though none the less acceptable. I'd be so embarrassed to relay this exchange to my friends. I am 36 was pregnant, incase that's relevant & the other mother's older child had downs syndrome, which I think made my DH particularly worried about me saying something to her.
I will discuss this more with him when DS is sleeping but I feel absolutely awful about both incidents now. I know I should have waited with the baby. Feel horrible.

Sassypants82 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:18:27

Sorry, horrible typos, on phone.

BottleBeach Fri 03-Mar-17 18:18:45

Have I understood this right? The mother left her 8 month in the car while she popped inside to collect her older child? Why are you concerned about the baby perishing in hot weather at 6pm in March? Are you in a different country?

BottleBeach Fri 03-Mar-17 18:20:36

You say the baby gave a 'little shout' - it doesn't sound like they were distressed? I don't understand why you were so worried? How would you staying there outside a locked car have helped the baby in any way?

Emmageddon Fri 03-Mar-17 18:20:54

How long was the other mother likely to be picking up her older child? 2 - 3 minutes or a lot longer? If it was just a few minutes, and the carpark belongs to the crèche, rather than being a random carpark in the town centre, then I think you are overreacting a tad. Also, it's March, and flipping chilly (assuming you are UK based) so the baby is unlikely to perish due to the heat.

What did you plan on saying to her?

MadMags Fri 03-Mar-17 18:22:46

So the baby was perfectly happy in a car in March, outside the nursery, while the mum popped in to collect her child?

empirerecordsrocked Fri 03-Mar-17 18:24:00

Illegal? Unless you're in somewhere considerably warmer than the uk I think you need to get over yourself.

gleam Fri 03-Mar-17 18:24:50

But you're policing his behaviour!

BottleBeach Fri 03-Mar-17 18:25:39

I can understand you feeling upset about how your husband spoke to you OP. But I have some sympathy with him feeling impatient.

Joysmum Fri 03-Mar-17 18:28:14

Oh god you're one of those hmm

Branleuse Fri 03-Mar-17 18:29:34

i think waiting with her baby would have been passive aggressive. She was only picking up her child and the baby sounded fine

Janet80 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:29:37

OP just wanted to stay and supervise the baby until the mum returned in case (god forbid) anything should happen. Quite reasonable I thought. She didn't know how long the mum would be, nice of her to be watching out for the little one.
Your OH was A bit unreasonable, it's not like you were about to kick off!

BottleBeach Fri 03-Mar-17 18:32:12

But supervise how? What might happen? What would she be able to do if it did? The baby seemed happy and relaxed!

BottleBeach Fri 03-Mar-17 18:33:29

And she didn't just want to supervise, she wanted to shame the mother into thinking twice next time!

HappyJanuary Fri 03-Mar-17 18:35:02

I think some of your comments reveal that your intentions were not entirely altruistic, and that your main motivation was to shame the mother.

I think your dh picked up on that, as perhaps it is an attitude you are prone to, and steered you away from any sort of confrontation.

I would, and have, done what the other mother did. Not ideal but we are all weighing up risk every day.

Sassypants82 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:36:02

I'm not in the Uk but same weather. I was giving the example of babies in cars in hot weather because this has been the reason that the issue has been highlighted & I'm pretty sure, made illegal. Accept that I may be over reacting, but I don't think it's right to leave an infant alone in a car, even for a few minutes, even if it is March. I just can't believe it's OK in any circumstances but understand that clearly others have other opinions.

Have I not got the right to 'police' My DH's behavior if that behavior is to speak abusively to me? I think I've every right to tell him that's behavior I won't accept.

For context, the car was parked outside the creche which is in a housing estate, it's not a car park as such just a few spaces, but close to the door. She was alone for 5 Mins or so by the time we left. I'm not sure how much longer.

I wasn't planning on getting aggressive in any way towards the mother but just I suppose, make a point that I noticed her alone & was waiting with her.

supercue Fri 03-Mar-17 18:36:44

I think your DH knows how you operate.

esmaesmomma Fri 03-Mar-17 18:37:36

I kind of understand this I feel guilty if I pull up to a cash point and nip out of the car to use it while leaving 9 month dd in the car. Another really tricky one is paying for petrol I couldn't bring myself to leave her on the forecourt in a locked car I tend to use Morrisons or Tesco for petrol as you can pay at the pump.. that being said I don't take much notice of what others do.

You need to have a serious word with your DH he shouldn't of spoken to you like that even if he wasn't happy at the idea of you waiting for the mother there was nicer ways to go about this.

gleam Fri 03-Mar-17 18:37:51

If you had insisted on staying there to shame the mother, how would you have felt if dh, as an independent adult, had driven off home?

gleam Fri 03-Mar-17 18:39:12

Sauce for the goose, op...

Imi22sleeping Fri 03-Mar-17 18:39:44

Its not illegal to leave a baby in the car. Its stupid but not illegal.
its also not your business.
if your husband ever speaka to you like that maybe the fact he did shows you he was stressed and annoyied by your behaviour?

Emmageddon Fri 03-Mar-17 18:40:24

If I had been a couple of minutes picking up my older child, leaving my baby safely in the car, in the crèche carpark, and was then confronted by a woman lecturing me on the perils of leaving a baby in a locked car and reminding me "this is wrong, incredibly dangerous & seriously illegal" I would also have used the F word, like your DH did.

If the baby was in a locked car on a street, or in a supermarket carpark, then you would have every right to be concerned (although maybe less worried about the baby perishing from heatstroke) but this was outside the crèche, at collecting time, when she was only going to be a few minutes, if that.

laurzj82 Fri 03-Mar-17 18:40:47

Sorry I agree with your OH (although not condoning how he spoke to you). Think he was right to try to avoid a confrontation. You are over reacting. Do you think your pregnancy is making you more anxious than normal?

Semaphorically Fri 03-Mar-17 18:41:58

We all know this is wrong, incredibly dangerous & seriously illegal.

It's not illegal in the UK per se. It's illegal to leave a child alone if leaving them makes them unsafe. The law doesn't explicitly say what constitutes unsafe - it very much depends on the circumstances. The circumstances you describe sound safe to me, unless you've missed out some crucial details?

EssieTregowan Fri 03-Mar-17 18:42:00

Your husband is having an affair with the woman and didn't want you to speak to her while he was there.

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