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New relationship - worrying about running out of things to say. Is this irrational?(10 Posts)
I've been dating a lovely man for just over 4 months. I am so in love and in awe of him - he is the kindest, funniest, most intelligent man I have ever met. He has led a very interesting life,is an extrovert with lots of friends, has travelled a lot and has a demanding and interesting job. Problem is, I am almost the opposite! I have led a very sheltered life, am very shy with few friends and I am a low paid charity worker. I am also quite inexperienced for my age.
He says he loves me and thinks my social awkwardness is cute but I keep worrying that I will run out of things to say to him and he will get bored with me. Sometimes when there is a slight pause I start to panic a bit and actually get physical anxiety symptoms. I really want this relationship to work but I keep getting these obsessive worries about running out of conversation and ruining everything. Am I being ridiculous? Do other people worry about this sort of thing too? I would be so grateful for any advice!
What sort of things are you doing together? If it's drinks/meals it's easier to run out of things to say. Maybe you could do some different things in which you'll be able to talk about what you're doing? Sports/walks/films etc. Do you have shared interests, like current affairs/politics?
I have been a bit like this in the past. You don't need to fill all the silences. Being quiet with someone can be lovely. Try to stop worrying that he thinks you're boring, because he's told you he doesn't!
Lastly, I had loads of counselling for panic and anxiety. It changed my life, in that I don't suffer from it now, and may be something you could consider.
I'm a bit concerned about the balance of power.
He says he loves me and thinks my social awkwardness is cute but I keep worrying that I will run out of things to say to him and he will get bored with me.
- If you're already scared this early on, and feeling like he will get bored of you as a person, then it says to me you feel on the back foot, feeling like you're not good enough and don't have enough to offer, him with his exciting lifestyle and dazzling career. You shouldn't have to feel like you've got a lot to live up to, but it sounds like that's how you feel.
- him seeing you as ' cute' is not something you'd want to aspire to in a balanced equal relationship. Sounds like you're a puppy or something.
Sorry for the alarm bells, but it's my first impression. You need to be yourself and feel happy with being so, not worried you need to entertain him so he doesn't get bored.
You are obviously trying hard to impress and entertain him, and are worried that you won't be able to maintain it.
But you are selling yourself short. I bet he would say you are attractive, smart, funny, kind and thoughtful. I bet he's impressed that you do an interesting job for a charity.
He loves you. He hasn't said 'I'd love you if you could be a bit more of an extrovert'!
@daisychain Yes, I suppose I do feel he is a bit out of my league, though he is always trying to reassure me that he feels really lucky to have found me. Re the balance of power thing, he does sometimes talk to me like I'm a lot younger but I actually really like that cos it makes me feel protected and loved. I don't know, is that weird?
@HappyJanuary Yes, you are right! I do feel I have to make an effort to entertain him and I do feel anxious about maintaining this! It's not that I'm not myself with him, but I always try to be my best self with him, and not to be too quiet.
He wants me to go on holiday with him, but I have never been on holiday as an adult so am terrified!
Are you anxiously attached? Attachment styles can shine a lot of light on to the confusion and insecurity of new relationships imo.
I've been on six dates with a really lovely guy who I think I'm very compatible with, and very relaxed around, but I too wonder what we'll talk about if we continue to see each other. I'm not boring and he's not boring but can we continue to have the exciting 'over share' type of conversations we've been having so far?? It's not sustainable, and I worry that the gear change won't work for us. But if it doesn't, it doesn't.
ps, re performance, I did that once, felt I had to entertain a man. It is a bad policy because you end up not having a great connection
Don't hide behind humour is my advice. I like humour! love it, but having recognised it in men I dated, I realised I was doing it myself when I felt that somebody was out of my league.
Re the balance of power thing, he does sometimes talk to me like I'm a lot younger but I actually really like that cos it makes me feel protected and loved. I don't know, is that weird?
Its your personal choice if you want to put yourself in a position of being infantilised by someone you are having an adult relationship with.
It shifts the balance towards him as The Adult and you as The Child. Again, I'd have concerns about that over the longer term. This is more concerning than whether you can keep up the conversation, although they are connected.
Conversations should be two way, intereactions feeding off each other. So he should be as concerned as you that the conversation should flow freely, its also his responsibility. You shouldn't be the only one on tenderhooks. Sometimes silence can also be good, hopefully you will be able to relax once you are more comfortable with each other.
Unless there's some equality in the relationship, you will always feel insecure and worried that you are not good enough for whatever reason. This gives him all the power, whether he realises it or not.
Either change this or call it quits, for the sake of your sanity.
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