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Help me make sense of this situation

(31 Posts)
RandomMcRandomface Fri 03-Mar-17 12:51:47

Please be kind - I feel quite upset about this although probably was in the wrong.

I have a DH. Over the last while I have also become very close friends with a single man at work. We talk all the time, have supported him through some tough stuff and I considered him one of my closest friends. While I had wondered if I was straying into dangerous territory after reading a thread on here I felt that I wasn't because I tell dh all about our friendship and he's relaxed about it, and me and friend have no 'spark' -just a really good friendship.

But it all turned weird last night - we'd been out with a group and were walking in the same direction alone, I started talking about something DH had done that had bothered me (something I'd tell my close girlfriends) and friend got really agitated and we ended up having a really awful weird conversation about how he doesn't want to talk about dh, it's not appropriate, I can talk about anything but that. In the same conversation he said I'm one of his closest friends and he's shared things with me he's not told anyone, but was quite mean as well - my bus wasn't coming for 15 mins and he said 'don't use waiting for the bus as a way of me staying talking to you', rushed me along and left without saying goodbye which was totally out of character. I tried to explain how I don't see gender in friendship which made him cross, he said 'well I do'. I just feel so confused and feel like I've lost one of my closest friends - the conversation felt like a breakup and was like none I'd ever had.

Any advice? Dh laughed when I told him about it, such is his lack of feeling threatened. Did I stray into dangerous territory by accident? I don't know if this can be repaired.

CrypticDipstick Fri 03-Mar-17 12:55:36

Oh dear. It does sound like he has feelings for you. It's great you told your dh what's gone on, but I would not try and repair the previously close friendship. Its a shame, but it's his issue and you could presumably do without the drama? If it was me I'd ignore the situation (wuss) and keep it casual from now on.

TheStoic Fri 03-Mar-17 12:57:55

Perhaps he felt you were disloyal to be complaining to him about your husband, and it made him uncomfortable.

HarmlessChap Fri 03-Mar-17 13:05:14

I tried to explain how I don't see gender in friendship which made him cross, he said 'well I do'.

In his mind this friendship is not platonic.

MadeForThis Fri 03-Mar-17 13:36:05

He has feelings for you.
A friend would be happy to discuss your DH.
As you now know the situation it would be unfair to continue the friendship in the same way.
You and your DH don't sound as if you are threatened by this friendship but it seems like your friend could be hurt.

RandomMcRandomface Fri 03-Mar-17 13:43:40

If he does have feelings he's been good at hiding them! Oh I don't know. Last thing I want to do is hurt him.

Bant Fri 03-Mar-17 13:49:00

Yeah, he may have been good at hiding them, but that's because he probably assumed that if you wanted to be friends with a man, you had to have romantic feelings. Because obviously that's how he thinks.

If I were you I'd message him and say you're sorry that he got the wrong impression, you like him but you're married and don't feel anything romantic towards him, and you understand if he doesn't want to continue a platonic friendship.

Shame, but he's being an idiot. Unless you've been unthinkingly wildly flirtatious.

KindDogsTail Fri 03-Mar-17 13:58:36

I think what Stoic says may be true: if he'd been your husband, he wouldn't have wanted you to be talking to another male friend about him in that way.

Another possibility may be that he feels he is not your 'girlfriend', so it is humiliating and uncomfortable for him when you talk to him as though he were.

You do not say what you told him, but it definitely seems as though he felt you were crossing a boundary with him and he needed to put up a defence.

If he does have feelings for you, he was annoyed you were treated him 'like a girlfriend'. If he doesn't have feelings for you, something you said, or the way you said it, crossed a line when he did not want it.

category12 Fri 03-Mar-17 14:27:12

I wouldn't email him or message him about this.

He may have thought it was the beginning of a "my DH doesn't understand me" and trying to stop you, rather than wanting an affair with you.

Either way, just leave it and see how you go on at work and social situations in the future. I certainly wouldn't rush to put stuff down in writing. Talk in person if you have to thresh it out.

Oddsockspissmeoff Fri 03-Mar-17 16:27:58

There's no way I would tolerate my spouse playing amateur counsellor to a single women from work. And I would hit the roof if he was complaining to her about me. This is the all too common scenario in which affairs develop .Most adults know full well what's really going on under the guise of supporting and being fwends with members of the opposite sex.

Dh laughed when I told him about it, such is his lack of feeling threatened

This sounds an odd thing to say. Do you want him to feel threatened?

RandomMcRandomface Fri 03-Mar-17 20:18:09

No - I don't want dh to feel threatened, I wrote that to illustrate I suppose that I am open with him about the friendship.

Thanks for the advice, who knows what now - I will try not to contact him for a couple of weeks then take stock after a joint social commitment we have. While I'd love to talk it through I guess that might be a bad idea and I don't want to create dramas

RandomMcRandomface Fri 03-Mar-17 21:21:44

I think there is something in what you say Stoic as well - he's quite code of honour about things. I think it was the vehemence that took me the most by surprise - he was practically shouting at me.

TheSparrowhawk Fri 03-Mar-17 21:59:00

This sort of thing has happened to me twice with male friends. I don't think I'll bother being close friends with a man again.

KindDogsTail Fri 03-Mar-17 22:10:39

I think in practice men are not that easy with close platonic friendships with females.

RandomMcRandomface Fri 03-Mar-17 22:12:02

Did you ever find out why, Sparrow?

LesisMiserable Fri 03-Mar-17 22:13:24

I think he probably felt you were oversharing.

RandomMcRandomface Fri 03-Mar-17 22:19:13

I suppose he did. I suppose as we'd shared so much already in our friendship already I thought it was ok

Holly3434 Fri 03-Mar-17 22:19:18

I had this happen to me turned out my good friend had a girlfriend who didn't like his friendships with women

Mammysboys Fri 03-Mar-17 22:26:36

Oh dear. In an ideal world, women would be able to have platonic friendships with men and vice versa. In the real world, this unfortunately does not seem to be the case. I speak from experience. I actually prefer my male acquaintances to my female friendships. But I don't pursue my male acquaintances into full friendships, for this reason exactly.

Sorry not much help. You're going to have to keep a pleasant distance from now on.

TheSparrowhawk Fri 03-Mar-17 22:28:42

Honestly I think that men are so poor at friendship that when women do what women do - listen, support, care - they find it overwhelming.

Mammysboys Fri 03-Mar-17 22:34:50

Sparrow men are also capable of listening, supporting and caring confused

TheSparrowhawk Fri 03-Mar-17 22:36:28

I agree Mammy but I think many male friendships are very shallow. Practically every man I know has said they don't talk to their male friends about anything personal.

GoodDayToYou Fri 03-Mar-17 22:39:29

I think he had feelings for you and was hoping for more than friendship. His male pride could be a bit bruised but at least it sounds like he now knows you're not available.

FrogsLegs31 Fri 03-Mar-17 22:44:46

Sounds to me much more like he thinks YOU are the one that has some feelings for him!

He sounds like he panicked thinking you were trying to make in roads on him.

He wanted to avoid waiting with you because he doesn't want you to get the wrong idea

Mammysboys Fri 03-Mar-17 23:07:47

Sparrow but that's your experience. One of Dh's work colleagues shares a lot of personal info with him.

frogs yes, it can work either way. I sort of got the same impression from the op as you have

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