Hi everybody, I am new to this site and am posting because I am feeling very confused. I would appreciate your feedback and advice...
I have been with dh for 9 years and to put it mildly, he is a very mixed up man. He was physically abused as a child by his grandma, who used to whip him and his brothers. He is almost like Jekyll and Hyde.
He has a side that is charming, funny, kind, generous, loving, a great father etc etc. but he has a hidden side that only those living with him would see. On the other hand he is controlling, insecure, angry, passive aggressive, gives the silent treatment or kicks off, slamming doors etc. when things don't go his way. He is critical of me, my friends and my family. He is also overbearing, turning up when I am doing something that doesn't involve him, calling up to 8 times a day.
At first I believed that all of the attentive behaviour was romantic but it makes you feel watched and a bit paranoid. His mood can change like the wind, and you start to second guess his moods and feel like you are walking on eggshells. He has OCD and makes up little scenarios in his head - and if things doing go along with the plans or procedures that he has got in his head, he just can't handle it.
We also get into arguments, usually because he is not happy with something that I have said or done whilst we were out together. In 9 years, we have had around 8 big fights, where I have ended up being hit, grabbed around the throat or shaken and dragged around the room. I have fled the house on 2 - 3 occasions to get away from him. One of these incidents ended with me calling the police and he subsequently has a police caution for DV against me.
Each time there would be drink involved and DH would always call me a psycho (which I'm not) or an alcoholic (nope, I'm not) during these rows. In my mind, I believed at the time that he would start the rows - usually by accusing me of flirting (which I wasn't) and then the name calling would begin when I would finally react after 20 or so minutes of being taunted and shouted at. I.e. I would shout back and he would say - "There you go again, look at you... You're a psycho!!" and then of course things would escalate from there. Because of this name calling, I always believed that I was partly to blame for this.
However two weeks ago I arranged to go out with an old friend. DH was moody and distant with me for the entire week leading up to the night out. He would drop things into the conversation like describing a dream he had where my friend and I were flirting with men during our night out (we didn't, haven't & wouldn't). He said that were going to get really really drunk and come in late which was really disrespectful to him. He said on the Wednesday morning, in front of his teenage daughter that 'there was going to be a divorce on Sunday' because of what I would get up to on my night out.
I kept to my plans and went out for a lovely meal with my friend, had a prosecco and G&T. We met up with him and some of his friends briefly in a club where they were drinking, for about an hour, on our way home from the restaurant before getting a taxi home at about 11.30, he was being a bit funny with me still, and didn't want to come home, so I left him out with his friends.
Minutes after I arrived home, he arrived and immediately started an argument with me. He said that he was 'disappointed' with how I had acted when my friend and I came to meet him. He started saying that I had ignored him in favour of my friend and got really jealous and said loads of horrible things about us both.
I told him he was being immature and that I would expect better from a 45 year old man and his response was to hit me. Twice. Full on face slaps originating from his shoulder. I was thrown back. I told him that it was over and that he would have to leave. He said that he would never leave, rushed at me and tried to pick me up and lock me outside of the house. If I hadn't held on to the range for dear life, he would have got me out. I am only 8st and 5'1"!!
I locked myself in the bathroom and he unlocked the door from the outside and came in 3 times to try and taunt me into fighting with him, squaring up to me and saying the cruellest things to me about me and my friend. I looked down and didn't say a word In the end I left and stayed away for 2 nights. I was covered in bruises, had a handprint on my left cheek and bruising to the eye socket and jawline for about 5 days.
What was different about this time is that I was sober. I knew it was nothing that I had done. Which then leads me on to all the previous times that I believed in my heart that I had been taunted into a fight and then hit during that fight. So I had clarity that they were not my fault either.
Two weeks later I am here at home still. I have told him many times that it is over and he is so apologetic and loving and is now going to counselling and talking about his past. It's really hard. I feel like something broke inside me that night and I can see him for what he really is. I feel detached from him and I don't think I love him any more. He is of course all over my like a rash, being loving, sweet, crying... which makes me feel uncomfortable and pressured.
I dream about being away and starting a new life with my daughter. I think its the guilt that is keeping me there.
Has anyone been in this situation before? Do men like this change? Can they?? I just wish I knew what to do. Do I give it one last try? I feel like as time goes on, this will all be brushed under the carpet again and I will feel compromised.
Thanks - sorry it's such a long one!
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Advice please!! Do stay or go??
30 replies
Witsend2017 · 03/03/2017 12:51
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