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There isn't someone for everyone, is there? :(

(113 Posts)
BovarysOvaries Fri 03-Mar-17 06:04:59

I read a comment on another thread on here that said something like "for every awful man there are five nice ones" - and I just thought "where the hell are they??"

I read your descriptions of what a relationship should be like (which I agree with, btw!) and which seem as achievable for me as walking on the moon.

I'm 43 years old - never married, no kids, never lived with anyone. I've had dates and flings and sex and 'things' that have lasted a few months, but nothing more.

I've tried OLD, meetup groups, classes, courses, meeting people through friends. I've tried being single and focusing on me and 'letting it happen'. There have been periods - long periods - where I've been fine with being single, but I'm beginning to feel like I'll never have a relationship. That there's something terribly wrong with me.

I'm not looking for Brad Pitt - I'd just like to have a shot at the love and support and comfort that some of you describe so eloquently.

I have an interesting job, friends, hobbies. I'm busy. I just feel like there's a gaping hole in my life because I go home at night and close the door and I'm lonely.

I've NC for this because being so honest is painful and I feel a bit pathetic writing it all out.

So as not to dripfeed - I was emotionally abused growing up, and have had counselling for that for years. I've also been on meds for depression and anxiety (also with EA at the root) for around 15 years.

Any advice?

BovarysOvaries Fri 03-Mar-17 06:06:28

(Oh and I'm working nights at the moment - not typing while drunk, sleepless and maudlin smile)

KoalaDownUnder Fri 03-Mar-17 06:10:15

Hey Bovarys - I am you. I could have written your OP, down to almost the last detail.

I can't write much now as am at work, but I think you're right. There isn't someone for everyone, and it makes me sad. flowerscakewine

BovarysOvaries Fri 03-Mar-17 06:19:04

Thank you Koala. I hate thinking of someone else feeling like this sad

brewcakecakefor you too x

jeaux90 Fri 03-Mar-17 06:24:11

I thought that too. A string of shit relationships and then an abusive one.

My dd was 1 when I left with her. 6 years down the line and at 45 I was thinking that not everyone is destined to be in a relationship.

I was thinking I am lucky in lots of ways, I have my wonderful dd, fantastic career, sound financially, wonderful friends and good family.

Maybe I just didn't have the right to have a relationship. I was so lonely at times.

Then I found someone. Someone I had known for a couple of years.

So I guess I think now, there is always hope, a chance. You never really know.

Fighterofthenightman Fri 03-Mar-17 06:27:05

I'm another you too. Just a few years younger. People still say 'you never know what's round the corner'. They've been saying that for 20 years!

I'm attractive, intelligent, fun, good job but it's just never happened for me. Can't help feeling like a freak though.

CrazyDuchess Fri 03-Mar-17 06:34:09

Another one like you too blush

Monkeypuzzle32 Fri 03-Mar-17 06:37:09

I was in a similar life position to you, I pretty much gave up meeting a man who wasn't a f"*#%wit and then met my DH, I'm not saying that to say it'll happen but I had got to that point where I just accepted being single and honestly wasn't expecting it to happen anymore. However looking back I would say you need to almost treat dating & meeting someone as a job, go out on dates, be proactive, be flirty etc because I don't think I was after my 30's, they are out there but it is really difficult to find decent men in their 40's, I've noticed though that many men in that age group who split from their wives & partners are ready really quickly to meet someone else (rightly or wrongly) this is true in my case and for a friend of a similar age who met her husband not long after he'd split with his wife-I think they just know they like being married and being with a partner by that age.

Mari50 Fri 03-Mar-17 06:38:06

To be blunt and not reassuring at all, no, there isn't someone for everyone. And what's for you may indeed go past you- right before your very eyes.

Anonymoususer1938 Fri 03-Mar-17 06:45:37

Don't despair. I think there is.
It's just finding the bigger that's the tricky bit.

WannaBe Fri 03-Mar-17 06:46:41

flowers for everyone in this situation.

TBH I think it's one of those cliche lines which people say because they don't really know what else to say. It's up there with "just relax and it'll happen," often said to couples trying to conceive and having fertility issues.

In truth there isn't an answer. For some people it happens, for others it doesn't, and none of us can possibly know which falls into which. What I can say though is that it's not about the kind of person you are or the way you look or the way you dress or any of those things. While much of life is about doing things to get where we want, much of it is also about throwing a dice and not knowing where it will land. Things like relationships fall into that category because they rely on someone else to have thrown the same dice and landed on the same number.

But when you think about the relationships you had, what were they like? Were they arseholes where you were actually best off rid of them anyway? Or were they decent men but the relationships just ran their course? Sometimes it's useful to look back at what didn't work out and then ask yourself whether you would have wanted any of them to have worked anyway?

I look back at the relationships I've had in the past, and while I can say with honesty that I could take something positive from most of them, they are now not relationships in my life for a reason, and the one thing I can take from all of them having ended is self growth.

Nobody can give you the answers as to whether there is someone around the corner or whether there is someone for everyone, but what I can say is that it's not personal or anything you have done. You need to make peace with the person you are, and life will follow.

john340 Fri 03-Mar-17 06:59:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:33:56

I don't think there is either OP. I think women & men are very different & have different wants & needs from a relationship. Glad you've not settled for average

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear Fri 03-Mar-17 07:38:04

Yep.

I had an emotionally difficult upbringing. I have been married, but to a man who didn't love me or treat me particularly well. I've had 'things' that lasted a few months too.

I'm just about to end another one with someone who is a lovely, kind, funny, compassionate man, who is just not sufficiently interested in me.

I really feel the weight of lovelessness. I have some friends, I have work, I have children. But I have no idea what it is like to be loved or cherished by anyone. I've never felt safe. I've given up on the idea of meeting someone now. I feel heavy hearted and sad and lonely.

EnormousDormouse Fri 03-Mar-17 07:42:09

I've reported the spam post from john340

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear Fri 03-Mar-17 07:42:31

Although, I do see a lot of unhappiness in many of the marriages and LTRs around me.

A lot of unhappiness.

So I think that many people in relationships are just scared of being alone.

something2say Fri 03-Mar-17 08:30:18

Just popping with a hug for all of the people here on this thread.
It's just life really isn't it, and none of us can explain it in the end x

OliviaStabler Fri 03-Mar-17 08:32:00

I'm like you too. The fact of growing old alone haunts me sad

hownowpowpow Fri 03-Mar-17 09:10:43

Morning All. In the same boat here. All the friends are married, in long term relationships or have kids. I have a lovely life and happy with my lot but miss having someone.

Use OD sporadically and have met some nice men but I wasn't for them or they for me. Finding it hard to muster up the enthusiasm for it at the moment.

I get the 'you never know what's around the corner', 'it will happen when you least expect it' and the 'get yourself out there more'.

schoolwoestoday Fri 03-Mar-17 09:19:12

I'm kind of in the same situation only i have been married. Married at 19 youngly and stupidly. Have a lovely dd from that marriage but divorced when she was 3 and been on my own since. A couple of dates here and there but nothing much. DD is now a teen and I'm now nearly 40. Kind of used to being on my own if I'm honest now. I do have teen to go home to but she will no doubt go to college and uni and make her own life soon.

tipsytrifle Fri 03-Mar-17 09:33:20

I think the urge to be part of a couple is difficult. It may be part historical hang-over from a more tribal lifestyle, it may be linked with the natural urge to reproduce. Certainly these days it's a media obsession. It's a construct that is hardwired and reinforced at every move we make. The majority of events and experiences are geared towards there being more than one person at the restaurant table, for instance. The presumption is that there's something erroneous about there "only" being one soul dining or enjoying a film. But it isn't erroneous. One is Enough. One person can make a difference to the world. One person is good enough for her/himself. There is no need for "More" these days.

Does that sound pedantic? Not intended to be. A perceived gap in the soft/hardwiring of the mind is just that. You are Enough. You are complete in and of yourself, you already know that. Maybe there is someone you'd totally click with out there but there are no universal rules about finding that person. Or maybe there isn't someone for everyone. These are statements made from within "the box". Doesn't mean the box is wrong as such, just that you - and I, and many others - have a different path. Be happy anyway chocolate

cosytoaster Fri 03-Mar-17 09:35:14

I agree with you. I'm early 50s and single as are several of my friends, I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with us, there just seem to be more nice single women than men; I can't work out why that is. The cliches mentioned by how are really annoying, the singles I know are far more socially active than coupled up people, but Meetup etc are heavily female dominated. However, reading the Relationships board shows that the grass is frequently not greener!

Polarbearflavour Fri 03-Mar-17 10:03:51

Just out of a long term relationship, I want to find a nice man who I love to marry and have a baby. Urgh. All my friends are married almost. I just want to have a family home etc. It's a bit rubbish right now. sad But then I know people who married in their mid twenties who are now divorcing and I read all the posts on here about people who are really unhappily married with nice lifestyles and children so...I don't know.

confused

KungFuEric Fri 03-Mar-17 10:31:54

I think a lot of it comes down to expectations that people have. I know several people who have 'settled' into relationships and marriages that aren't significant love stories, but mainly driven by people's aspirations of a nicer home/family and fears of being alone.

Basically, they've pushed through on the relationships that you or others may have deduced wasn't all it was cracked up to be, but they wanted to say they were a married couple and made it happen.

SimonSmithsAmazingDancingBear Fri 03-Mar-17 11:40:49

I agree with that, Kung. When some of my friends tell me of the things they 'worked through' I'm astounded. I'd have walked without a backwards glance at most of them.

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