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Perhaps petty, but dhs snoring is making me so resentful

(118 Posts)
SloanePeterson Fri 03-Mar-17 03:00:56

I'm typing this lying on the floor in a hotel room on what was meant to be a lovely night away. The fucking cold hard floor right by the door, as far away from the bed as I can get. And I'm down here because lying next to dh is like sleeping next to a foghorn. It's especially bad atm as he's been unwell with a cough and virus for months. He's seen about theee different doctors about that and none can help him. I'm a terribly light sleeper anyway but god this is getting tedious. And it's making me furious. I'm pretty much existing on no sleep. At home I've been taking myself downstairs as he'll roll over and ask if he's keeping me awake. If I say yes he'll just roll over and go back to sleep! I do feel bad as he's been poorly but I feel at the point now where this is torture. If it weren't so dark tbh I'd get dressed and catch the bloody train home so I could crawl into bed and get some rest.

SloanePeterson Fri 03-Mar-17 03:04:01

Posted too soon! Anyway, what can I do? I feel like this is actually destroying our marriage sad I know he can't help it but fucking hell it feels so selfish. I hate that he can sleep so easily when in doing so it's having such a negative effect on me. He needs to lose weight which I've tried telling him but to no avail. It's not always been this bad, certainly worse since he's put on weight. I can't do this forever. I've been down here crying and feeling so so angry since 1am and I just want to go home

Diamondsandpears Fri 03-Mar-17 03:10:43

I feel for you. Currently awake beside an open mouthed foghorn. It is infuriating.

Tootsiepops Fri 03-Mar-17 03:13:52

Fuck that. I wake my husband up when he's snoring loudly enough to wake me our our toddler. No way am I listening to that all night.

For now, can you get another room at the hotel so that you can get some sleep?

It's fine to cut your husband some slack if he's not been well, but he needs to realise how frustrating and intolerable it is for you. Which is why you should wake him up everytime his snoring becomes unbearable. If he's going to be a selfish prick and not take steps to address the problem himself, I bet if he's as sleep deprived as you, he'll do something about it pretty fast.

SloanePeterson Fri 03-Mar-17 03:18:09

I considered another room but no fucking way. I paid for this trip as a Christmas present to him and it was bloody expensive and I want to be up and eating so I can leave in 4 hours. I can't wake him up every time. For one, he can get back to sleep just like flicking a switch, and two I feel that would make me a massive wanker too. The problem is also that he gets up to go to work early every morning and I'm a sahm. I know this really does mean fuck all as I don't sit down all day so I'm hardly able to catch up on my sleep then, but he has to drive a fair way and be able to work in a stressful job. There's no way he could do that on no sleep. I'm just fed up of being so tired and angry about it

bummymummy77 Fri 03-Mar-17 03:21:36

Dh and haven't slept in the same room for two years now. We'd be divorced if we were. I was getting three hours of broken sleep a night and was a hysterical mess.

He moans about sleeping separately but then remembers what a crazy bitch I was when I couldn't sleep.

Loads of sympathy for you.

Tootsiepops Fri 03-Mar-17 04:12:32

There's no way he could do that on no sleep

No - you're right. Which is why he'd pull his finger out and try to come up with a solution when it starts to impact on him. Which it doesn't at the moment because you are letting him away with it.

Why are you putting up with this? He blatantly knows there's a problem and all he's doing is demonstrating that he doesn't actually care about whether or not you get a restful night because he's doing nothing to address the issue.

Why are you putting his needs ahead of yours? Where is his reciprocal consideration for your lack of sleep and all the things you have to do in a day when you are tired? Waking him up would make you a wanker too? Good!

Look at what you are doing. You are a grown woman, lying crying on the floor of an expensive hotel room that you paid for!

Practically? It's separate rooms.

But honestly - I would leave someone who showed so little regard for my well being.

Disclaimer: I may be slightly deranged after four consecutive nights of no sleep due to a toddler with croup

LurkinMerkin Fri 03-Mar-17 05:11:13

DH and I haven't shared a bed for years, since before we got married in fact. we love each other very much but the stability of our relationship depends on us both being well and rested. It's a basic human need. He has always snored like a walrus and I am a light sleeper. Separate beds is the only solution we've found that works for us and while it isn't ideal, it's vital for my health and the health of our relationship.

If we have to share, in hotels etc then it's earplugs all the way for me, the silicon/ wax ones do help a bit but not perfect. being thrust into the same bed is a rarity, friends and family totally get that too ( DH's snoring can often reverberate very audibly around a house so people totally get it.

Exhaustion can make everything seem so much worse, can you get a nap when you get home, let him deal with the house/ children for a few hours etc ( assuming you both have the day off). And then, have an honest conversation about your needs. Things like this can destroy a relationship.

Just to add, we still love each other's company and meet up for conjugal visits etc grin ( I am 36 weeks preg with our pfb). Finding the right balance is vital and doesn't mean the beginning of the end, in fact in cases like yours it's likely to make a positive difference. Hope you can get some rest today op. X

isthistoonosy Fri 03-Mar-17 05:23:57

Have you woken him nd told him to go away while you get a couple of hours sleep?

prioritymail Fri 03-Mar-17 06:33:35

It's really not just your problem. Agree with waking him every time so he might realise how much it affects you. Unfortunately, he sounds like mine, and will probably roll over, go straight back to sleep and not remember it in the morning.
Not much you can do now, but he needs to look at losing weight and at least sleep on sofa/spare room half the time. Even if it's a camp bed/mattress in another room, you'll resent him so much less when you've had some decent sleep.
Sounds like he's not taking it seriously enough atm.

PaterPower Fri 03-Mar-17 07:08:30

I feel for you! I'm a light sleeper and my DP snores for England. There've been weeks where successive nights have consisted of 2-3 hours of sleep at best, and I can barely function the next day.

I've recorded the snoring at times and played it back to DP but she's not made any changes either. It got a little bit better after she lost some weight but that didn't stay off so now I'm back to square one.

Ear plugs help a little and you could try getting him to wear nasal strips to see if that lowers the volume. But, like pp's, sleeping separately is my preference when there's a free bed available.

Gallavich Fri 03-Mar-17 07:12:58

You need to sleep separately.

SerialReJoiner Fri 03-Mar-17 07:19:29

This is why dh has been sleeping in the sofa for the past 8 weeks - since we has DS. I've told him he isn't welcome sleeping next to me until he sorts his snoring. Nothing has changed yet. confused

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Fri 03-Mar-17 07:20:21

Poor you, I empathise entirely - my exH used to snore like a foghorn. It nearly drove me insane - he refused to do anything about it and even denied it getting all passive aggressive if I brought it up.

Every single night I would have to get up and sleep on the sofa in the living room downstairs - our bedroom wasn't even above the living room yet I could still hear him. I used to dread going away to hotels or friend's homes as i couldn't remove myself into the night.

I became a crazy obsessed woman unable to think of anything except how I was going to get sleep. It never resolved and is one of the reasons he is now my ex.

SloanePeterson Fri 03-Mar-17 07:26:09

He did eventually get up and let me take the bed while he sat by the door. But bloody hell im all bleary eyed and headachey and tbh still tearful this morning. I hate that lack of sleep is making me so insane. The problem is he's been to the doctor more times in the last few months than ever before, he's not one to make a fuss. But not one single one has told him to lose weight. He was at a & e last week as he had chest pains which turned out to be a pulled chest muscle due to all the coughing from this virus, and still not one person mentioned lifestyle to him. I desperately want and need him to lose weight but it's falling on deaf ears. I've told him he needs to call the gp this morning to hopefully get an appointment this afternoon. I can't go on like this

helhathnofury Fri 03-Mar-17 07:27:46

Not petty at all, drove me insane. After about a year of getting up and going on the sofa I suggested separate rooms. He hated the idea (still does I think), but I said if went to Dr to sort then can move back in. He did go to sleep clinic and not apnea, but he wouldn't wear the mask anyway. They were going to sort a mouth shield but he never followed it up, so we still sleep separate. Had to turn the utility room into bedroom so not ideal, but both more rested. Does make going away awkward though.

PurpleWithRed Fri 03-Mar-17 07:32:18

Nope, you can't. Lots of good advice above. Go to the doctor yourself and sob - shamelessly ask for sleeping tablets and tell the gp why. And ask for a referral for DH to a sleep clinic.

I'm currently in the spare room as DH has had an op so I can't elbow him without elbowing his staples. In normal life I decamp to the spare room the minute he wakes me up with the first little snort. It's the only way to stay sane.

Interesting to hear how it ENRAGES everyone else too - it briefly makes me want to kill him.

busyboysmum Fri 03-Mar-17 07:36:27

We've had seperate rooms for years as dh snores so badly. A good night's sleep is essential to me.

We have 3 boys and when we go on holiday no-one wants to share a room with dh as the noise is so annoying.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:43:29

Oh OP it sounds horrendous. Can't your DH see how much you are struggling because you sound like you're at the end of your tether? And if he can see it then why isn't he doing anything about it? To leave you suffering like this is incredibly selfish.

Me and DH have slept separately for years because of this issue - his snoring, fidgeting and wee breaks disturbed my sleep so much that I just couldn't cope anymore. I need a good night's sleep to stay sane and I only get one of those if I'm sleeping alone.

We are due to go on holiday in 6 weeks and I'm really not looking forward to sharing a room with him for 10 nights sad

DelphiniumBlue Fri 03-Mar-17 07:49:30

Years ago, I was reading the agony column in a magazine, which featured a woman with a problem similar to yours.
One of the readers responses was from an widowed elderly woman who simply said she would give anything to hear her husband snoring next to her again.
Its stayed with me, and whilst I get annoyed with DH when his snoring drowns out the radio, I don't get that level of fury which prevents me from sleeping. If I really can't get to sleep ( very rare now) I'll wake him and ask him to stay awake till I've gone to sleep, but on the whole, the change of my attitude has enabled me to get to sleep, and sleep through the snoring.
Because we are all able to fall asleep in front of the TV - its not so much the noise but the anger that hinders sleep.
Let go of the anger, ( and get him to stay awake and not snoring until you go to sleep).
As far as the weight is concerned, how much weight do you think he needs to lose? You can't make him do it, but he won't be unaware of the issues. You can encourage sensible eating/ exercise, maybe by doing it with him, but is this something your relationship problems are being hung on? It's a tricky area, but he has to want to lose weight himself for it to be successful; you are concerned, but you wouldn't want to make him feel unloved or overly criticized.

HerOtherHalf Fri 03-Mar-17 07:54:22

Snoring is not just annoying, it can be a symptom of sleep apnea which can have extremely serious health implications for the sufferer. Get him to google it and then go and see his doctor.

gamerchick Fri 03-Mar-17 08:01:13

I eventually got mine to a sleep clinic and now he has a cpap machine. I'm actually starting to think about nights away together again. I'm not giving up my bedroom though but we can share a bed again if we want. The sheets also stay on the bed as well because he's not moving about all of the time.

Tell him to ask his gp to refer him to a sleep clinic.

SpookyPotato Fri 03-Mar-17 08:03:05

I know so many couples who have seperate bedrooms because of this.. I used to wonder why my SIL and BIL always slept apart until I heard him one night and it was like a pig on a freight train. I wish there were more solutions.
DP does it sometimes, it's probably about 50/50. I'm trying to work out a pattern! I've been driven to tears a few times out of frustration, it just feels really unfair that they are blissfully unaware.

MakeJam Fri 03-Mar-17 08:06:45

Make a video clip on your phone and show it to your DH. Then insist he asks his GP to refer him to a Sleep Clinic.

It sounds like he has sleep apnoea which can be dangerous especially if he drives. It's also affecting your health too.

link to NHS site/Obstructive sleep apnoea. There are several ways of treating it and the C-PAP machines these days are very effective and quiet.

My sympathies OP. We nearly divorced over DH's snoring.

ImtheSantaAnaWinds Fri 03-Mar-17 08:08:46

I completely get the anger. It's anger that he's not sorting out the problem. I feel desperate, my husband wakes me every single night, multiple times with his snoring. He just doesn't seem to care enough about me to do anything about it.

We are in a very similar set up to you. It affects every aspect of my life having no proper sleep.

Worst thing is, I think I've started snoring too, because I've put on weight from being so bloody exhausted all the time. angry

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