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He asked who DS dad is

(80 Posts)
EveryoneLovesDogs Thu 02-Mar-17 23:29:48

Ive been with a guy for 6 months. We had a wobble last week but now were back on. Hes asked who my DS dad is before but i kind of mumbled were not in touch. The thing is DS dad is married and has never had anything to do with him. We met at a work conference and he didnt have a ring on. We used to meet up for sex and when i fell pregnant he told me he was married. Im so embarrassed by thia

Longdistance Thu 02-Mar-17 23:37:32

Quite frankly it's none of the new guys business. He needs to mind his own.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about flowers

EveryoneLovesDogs Thu 02-Mar-17 23:41:56

Im embarrassed i missed the signs of a married man

ferriswheel Thu 02-Mar-17 23:43:17

Say he's a pig who broke your heart. That should answer the question. No?

EveryoneLovesDogs Thu 02-Mar-17 23:44:03


Lweji Thu 02-Mar-17 23:47:03

It's not your shame, it's his.

If you're not in contact, then I wouldn't say who, at least until I felt more secure in the relationship. I might tell the generic story with no identifying features for now, though.

SandyY2K Thu 02-Mar-17 23:57:46

Tell him the truth. If he's going to be in your life as a serious relationship, then why shouldn't he know.

If you truly didn't know he was married, you've nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

Honesty is the best policy in this situation IMO.

SandyY2K Thu 02-Mar-17 23:59:08

BTW, I didn't mean to tell him the name of your DSs father. Just the back story.

BubblingUp Fri 03-Mar-17 00:32:43

I just say, "The Judge issued a gag order in the case, so I'm not allowed to talk about it." In truth, a gag order was discussed during litigation, but was not in the final order. I'm legally allowed to say who the dad is, but I just don't name him.

I was in a circle of single moms for awhile and most had bio-dads they couldn't or wouldn't name for one reason or another - married, high profile, jerk, violent, whatever. Two of them just named someone different, but it wasn't the actual father. They thought it was easier just to make up a name. So, do what you want, say or not say what you want. No shame. You don't owe anyone any backgound about it.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Fri 03-Mar-17 07:44:59

I would tell him the truth - you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and if this relationship is going to be serious it's better to be open with each other from the start.

HerOtherHalf Fri 03-Mar-17 07:49:38

Out of interest, have you thought through what you're going to tell DS when he's old enough to start asking who his dad is? That seems like a much bigger issue to me. You did nothing wrong so please stop punishing yourself with shame you don't deserve to feel.

badabeedabom Fri 03-Mar-17 07:53:48

You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to.

If I was in a relationship I might want to know (not the gory details), because if a stepchild was going to be in my life then I would probably get their other parent as part of a package deal IYSWIM. So in that respect I think it can be a reasonable question. It doesn't mean you have to answer it though.

I have a friend who moved away for a few years and returned with another child in tow. An 'oops' she said. I've never asked who his father is, it's none of my business! If she wants me to know she will tell me.

The most you have to say (well you don't have to, but you know what I mean) is that he wasn't planned and the father didn't want to know and never has any contact. The rest of the details are your personal relationship business and not something anyone else needs to know.

Don't be ashamed. The married dickhead should bloody well be ashamed of himself though!

EveryoneLovesDogs Fri 03-Mar-17 08:24:29

Herotherhalf ive no idea what im going to say to him when he asks. My BF is lovely but honestly i would judge someone who was dim enough to get pregnant by a man she didnt know was married!

BoboChic Fri 03-Mar-17 08:27:46

You need to rehearse your story, OP, and to take ownership of a version of which you do not feel ashamed. Not for your new BF but for your DS (and you).

EveryoneLovesDogs Fri 03-Mar-17 08:28:44


BoboChic Fri 03-Mar-17 08:32:32

TBH from your new BF's POV your not having an ex to deal with is no bad thing! Look at the huge positives from his perspective.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Fri 03-Mar-17 08:44:42

Don't punish yourself because you made an honest mistake, it's not like you knew he was married and had an affair with him. You didn't do anything wrong, he did.

HerOtherHalf Fri 03-Mar-17 08:45:46

* but honestly i would judge someone who was dim enough to get pregnant by a man she didnt know was married!*

I wouldn't and I very much doubt most other reasonable people would either. Look at the other comments on this thread as evidence of that. You were lied to by someone you trusted. You were abandoned by them when you needed them most. They have walked away from their own DS. The shame is all theirs, you get only empathy,sympathy and understanding from me, by the bucket-load. And admiration - you've kept going, you've got on with making a life for you and your son. Feel proud, not shamed, because that is what you deserve.
If your new partner is worth having in your lives he will understand, if he doesn't understand he is not worth having.

picklemepopcorn Fri 03-Mar-17 08:52:26

Is there someone IRL you can tell the details to, or knew you then, that you can work out the story with? It helps sometimes to have someone else help you find the words.
The thing is, your story is not shameful, you need to own what happened and find positive ways to tell it. That will help your son and BF and you!

DevelopingDetritus Fri 03-Mar-17 09:03:41

You've nothing to be ashamed of. If you're not totally comfortable with this new guy, them maybe he's not the right one for you.

mummytime Fri 03-Mar-17 09:07:38

People are deceived by other people all the time. The key thing is always not to keep falling for the same lies. So you have moved on, you are no longer involved - that is something to be proud of.
Now for your son you need to think about and work out the "truth" you will tell him in an age appropriate way. Try out a few (in writing, on a good friend, talking to yourself in the mirror, whatever), and then see if you are quite saying what you want. Are you accidentally possibly giving messages that you don't mean eg. "it was a mistake" could equal " you are a mistake".

As for the BF - something like "it was a fling, I no longer have contact, and I don't want to talk about it" should be enough. And if he keeps probing then maybe think hard about who he is.

tipsytrifle Fri 03-Mar-17 09:12:17

I'm concerned that in six months (which is still only a matter of weeks) your bf has asked at least twice who ds' father is. At this early stage, it is none of his business. I would seriously re-consider if he's right for you at all. Are you as invasive about his past?

Athrawes Fri 03-Mar-17 09:18:33

Does the father know? Just the side issue of what to tell your DS. Anyway, back to the real point, just tell him the father is an ex who didn't work out. You don't want to talk about it right now, maybe later. If he keeps pushing it's a sign he has, and always will, have an issue being in the life of another man's kid.

EveryoneLovesDogs Fri 03-Mar-17 11:06:23

Im really comfortable with bf. I think he just wants to know about my life and if hes standing on another man's toes. Hes told me about his exes and been open. DS has never asked about his dad but i certainly wont be making him feel like he was a mistake. The dad does know i was pregnant but not that i had the baby as he disappeared and lives miles away

AndImAnElf Fri 03-Mar-17 11:11:21

I don't think six months is too early at all - I'd like to know someone's broad relationship background much earlier than that (I don't mean names and dates, but was he born during a marriage that broke down, that sort of thing). It's not to judge but your history is part of who you are - I think it's relevant and fine that he's asked.

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