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Help me - marriage dynamics. I'm being given the silent treatment

(18 Posts)
Theflatpackdisaster Thu 02-Mar-17 22:29:35

H and I have 3 very young DC and we are in the middle of the hardest part. We are having huge disagreements about time/money/ who does what/ who's more tired / who works harder. DH is completely convinced that I do not do enough. I believe that it is he who does not do enough, but I am more willing to come to an agreement where we both acknowledge we're in the very difficult part and try to work together. We are struggling financially and we are both permanently exhausted.

He is putting me in a position where I either have to agree that I am not up to scratch and promise to improve, or he ignores me. He has ignored me so much in the last few weeks that I asked him if he wanted to separate today. Ie i said "does your behaviour mean that you do not want to be with me anymore?" He then used that as another reason to accuse me of being the instigator of problems, "a loose canon," trying to destroy our marriage, a drama queen. And he's used it as a reason to ignore me even more.

I have tried writing to him on email and on text asking him if we can come to an agreement and try to resolve things. He has responded that I have a lot of soul searching to do and need to work on myself before we can talk further.

Where do I go from here?

Hermonie2016 Thu 02-Mar-17 22:58:45

I don't know if you can resolve this alone.

Has his approach changed? We're you previously able to talk? He seems to want to be right and blame you, that's not an equitable marriage.

Ignoring you (stonewalling) is a highly destructive to relationships and is known as a key factor in predicting relationship failure.It's soul destroying and ultimately will make you fall out of love.

I can only suggest counselling but if his attitude is to blame you it's not likely to be successful.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 02-Mar-17 23:06:39

Sounds like you have 3 young dc and a moody teenager. . He isn't treating you like a grown up and certainly not an equal. His attitude towards you is disgusting and no role model to your dc. I couldn't live with him I know.

Squirmy65ghyg Thu 02-Mar-17 23:08:46

He's a twat.

PurpleWithRed Thu 02-Mar-17 23:26:22

What Squirmy said. This not what someone who loves you does.

user1471451259 Fri 03-Mar-17 02:31:15

My DH did this. Probably still does. We are no longer together. Life's too short for that crap. We have 3 young children as well. It's a power thing for men like that, they use silence to control and keep you on your toes. I could never say anything to my DH that could be construed as even slightly negative or critical. I stood it for 10 years but eventually had enough. Good luck with whatever you decide.

BreatheDeep Fri 03-Mar-17 02:47:55

He's trying to destroy the marriage and a drama queen for stonewalling and he has a lot of soul-searching to do by the sounds of things. What a twat - he's trying to control you with that behaviour.

Pallisers Fri 03-Mar-17 02:52:43

Tell him he either engages with you as in have an adult conversation or you will take his refusal to communicate as an indication that he wants to separate.

He is fucking plonker and I have no idea how you can put up with this.

MusicIsMedicine Fri 03-Mar-17 07:18:58

This is a form of power and control to manipulate you. Tell him that you can't be with him someone who thinks it's OK to punish you with silence.

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Mar-17 10:16:23

Some people rant, some people go into their shell when they are so angry & think they are right. I don't think he's trying to be controlling, he's rightly or wrongly pissed off. If he's feeling that, it can't be argued.
I think you need counselling together

SandyY2K Fri 03-Mar-17 10:54:08

When one person acts like they are faultless it really doesn't help matters. That simply makes you more defensive and not want to engage.

There's a more effective way to communicate with but his response is making that very difficult to move forward positively.

I think he became a bit scared when you asked if his reaction meant he wanted to separate, so he's come on the attack, instead of discussing it properly.

Because he realises, that a straight Yes or no to your direct question, puts him in a situation of facing the issues or saying he wants a split, which I doubt he actually wants. He just wants you to change.

Now I'm very much a believer in accepting people for who they are. He accepted you to in order to marry you. What he doesn't seem to realise, is that the pressures of a young family can change your behaviour and that things will be difficult for a while.

You could be sleep deprived and not your pre child self, because of the demands of the children.

It's about working together as a team, to get through these early years, which can be exceedingly challenging, especially when finances are an issue.

Squirmy65ghyg Fri 03-Mar-17 11:01:41

Why should she change? Why shouldn't the miserable fucker change?

It is not a mature attitude to ignore sometime.

Eolian Fri 03-Mar-17 11:03:03

Yes he's trying to establish/maintain a position of power over you. Deliberately ignoring you and giving you the silent treatment as some kind of punishment or as a way of bending you to his will is not reasonable adult behaviour, even if he were right about you not pulling your weight (which I bet he isn't). He is treating you as though you are a naughty little child caught doing something wrong and he's an aggrieved, authoritarian parent "Go and think about the error of your ways and I will talk to you when you're sorry!"

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-Mar-17 11:08:09

Stonewalling abuse is horrible for the 'victim'
Don't fall for it.
Carry on with your life without engaging with him.
If he won't engage then you don't do anything for him.
No washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, shopping.
Once he has punished you enough and wants to talk then it's up to you where that conversation goes.
Take back control and don't let him grind you down.

sassandfaff Fri 03-Mar-17 11:14:20

Tell him you have 'soul searched' and decided you can't be bothered to put up with this, and you'd rather be alone. He doesn't speak anyway.

Point out that you will have less cooking, cleaning, washing, washing up and he will have the children x times a month, so you will in fact be better off.

The only way to stop this is to show you will not put up with it. This is a test right now, for who is boss a
And you will lose unless you fight back and put him back in his place (that, of being equal to you, not your master)

I've done this. We had a tipping point, where I am convinced my dp could have gone down this route. I've fought every step of the way. And now that the years have passed a bit and he is more matured, he sees that he was an arse.

You might want to just go and find someone who doesn't do this though. It would probably be easier......

Hermonie2016 Fri 03-Mar-17 13:06:01

A useful book might be The Verbally Abusive relationship.I assumed verbal abuse was name calling etc however this book explains how other tactics are abusive.It does suggest you assert yourself in a calm way so worth reading.

MyheartbelongstoG Fri 03-Mar-17 13:10:05

I've lived this life, its horrible.

Life is just too short op for this shit.

frieda909 Fri 03-Mar-17 13:41:59

Another 'I've been there' from me. I could have written as least half of this.

It sounds like you are forced to apologise and take all the blame just to keep the peace and make him talk to you again. If he won't speak to you then leave him to it. It's so hard because your instinct is to try to make it better, but you can't unless you agree with all his accusations. It's not fair at all.

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