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Had enough, how do I get ducks in a row?

(95 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

MusicIsMedicine Thu 02-Mar-17 22:13:21

I need to leave.

Please help me to do so safely.

What are the steps I need to take?

nespressofan Thu 02-Mar-17 23:15:41

Sorry I didn't like to read and run. I'm sure someone will be along to help you shortly. In the meantime, are you safe?

MusicToMyEars800 Thu 02-Mar-17 23:18:04

make sure you have all of the paperwork you need, and do you have dcs? are you in an abusive relationship? if so womensaid can help, what is your housing situation? financial situation>

MusicToMyEars800 Thu 02-Mar-17 23:20:47

what Is you situation as a whole OP? do you have family or friends tht can give you somewhere to stay? I do hope you are ok.

dublingirl48653 Thu 02-Mar-17 23:22:31

best of luck

you got friends to help?

please let us know on here how we can advise

KindaMagicista Fri 03-Mar-17 00:00:22

Are you in danger? You can ring the police if you are afraid, or Womens Aid will help you 0808 200 0247.

MusicIsMedicine Fri 03-Mar-17 00:05:22

No one can help, mutual friends etc. Family a long way away. I have savings.

nespressofan Fri 03-Mar-17 00:07:40

Tell us what's going on with you if you can

MusicToMyEars800 Fri 03-Mar-17 00:12:49

savings are good, so you can support yourself while you sort out work or benefits, could you travel to stay with your family and go from there? obviously let them know what's happening before hand. please do give us more info as it will help us to help you,

MusicIsMedicine Fri 03-Mar-17 00:33:04

My family are not an option.

MusicToMyEars800 Fri 03-Mar-17 01:00:33

do you have children? I wish there was a way I could help more! where are you based? do you have enough savings to get you by for a few weeks?

MusicIsMedicine Fri 03-Mar-17 05:11:47

I have a baby under 1.

Don't really want to put my location here.

Yes I have savings to get through a few weeks.

Enough101 Fri 03-Mar-17 05:19:02

Are you in danger?

Rainbowqueeen Fri 03-Mar-17 05:25:09

Ok start with being safe. Clear your history on all devices.
Gather paperwork, LOs birth certificate, any other important documents.

Can you buy a cheap Phone you can use once you leave so you can turn your phone off ? I am thinking about someone tracking you through your phone here.

Do you have a plan of where you want to go? If not, can you speak to women's aid who will help you.

You are being very brave, well done

jeaux90 Fri 03-Mar-17 12:18:39

Hey Music. I have read and posted on your other threads. If you really are ready (and quite frankly I don't blame you) it sounds like this is about financial planning right?

I would talk to gingerbread who are a single parent charity so you know what credits etc you'll get, child maintenance from the OH and costs of childcare etc if you are planning on getting back to work.

Well done. You know he won't change xx

MusicIsMedicine Sat 04-Mar-17 19:11:40

jeaux90 thank you.

I had gone out today to get some baby stuff. Came back and baby was agitated. She was too warm, was thirsty and hungry still even though he said he fed her an hour ago and her nose was all blocked up and she had wind and teething pain. I was livid. Get this, I then sorted it all out and she was in my arms being comforted and calmed down and he put out his arms to take her and commanded me to "give her here" - which of course I ignored.

He is trying to undermine me as a mum now.

There's more, but will type it later. He also keeps quoting things at me that he's heard off the women he works with as if he or they are a childcare expert. They are not, just mums but he takes their word as gospel over mine.

MusicToMyEars800 Sun 05-Mar-17 00:33:21

god he is a prick OP, I am glad you are leaving him!! how are you doing? do you have everything you need to leave now?

MusicIsMedicine Sun 05-Mar-17 07:14:08

Hi music. Well actually the more I've thought about it, the more I realise I should not have to leave my home - he should!

mummytime Sun 05-Mar-17 08:02:02

Contact Women's Aid.
They can help you to think clearly and get out of this in the safest way.

jeaux90 Sun 05-Mar-17 09:23:23

Ideally yes. But often in an abusive relationship you need to leave.

If you think he will then you need to be consistent in your message to him. "It's over and I want you to leave" I know you don't have family around, do you have a close friend who can be with you when you tell him?

However, if you are in any danger at all then you need to talk to women's aid and get some advice. You might have to leave.

This has been very very stressful for you and it needs to be over xxx

MusicToMyEars800 Sun 05-Mar-17 22:20:04

if you feel safe enough to stay there and kick him out then do. just make sure that you are safe!! you're right you shouldn't have to leave your home, he is the one that has been abusive and caused this situation.. good for you OP, Hope you're ok and all is well, I will be here if you need to chat etc

MusicToMyEars800 Sun 05-Mar-17 22:21:30

jeaux90 you have given good advice there smile

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Mon 13-Mar-17 01:45:59

is the house rented or in both your names?

on your last thread you mentioned leaving his bags on the doorstep and locking him out - you can legally do this if his name is not on the house papers.

Sounds to me like he's always been a selfish dick. Just because you have a shitty childhood does not mean you automatically carry on the vicious cycle.
He chose not to stand up to his mum because it works for him.

Now he's joining forces with his mum to paint you as an unfit mother.
Why did you even allow him to put a camera up to monitor you?!!!!
I'd have unplugged it - and switched it on when i left him alone with the dc.

I hope you are sharing all this with your gp and HV? If not then i suggest you do. For both your and your dc protection.
That way, you've got all his and their fuckwittery on record just in case they do try to legally get full residency of your dc.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 13-Mar-17 04:01:18

You aren't married and I'm assuming you rent. Who's name is on the tenancy? If it's joint, you both have equal rights to be in the home. You legally can't lock him out. If that's the case, you'll need to find out if you have legal grounds to have him removed or if you have any 'leverage' at all. I'd suggest seeing a solicitor for that and for child maintenance. If the tenancy is in his name, you're probably out of luck, but ask a solicitor about that, too.

You want to know whether you'll be able to stay or will need to find a cheaper place to live. I wouldn't ask him to leave until knew I could afford the place on my own long term, not just until my savings were gone. So, if you want to stay put, first thing is to get an idea of your income (wages, benefits, child maintenance) vs the costs of running the household, baby supplies, etc. Be aware that some men will quit work, work for cash, or take a cut in pay to avoid paying support. You'll need to think about that possibility if you think he's 'that kind'.

Next, locate (and preferably hide) all important documents. Rent contract, bank statements or information, birth certificates, proof of his income (wage stub, tax return). If you can't hide them without raising suspicion, take pictures of them with your phone.

If you don't have a password on your phone, you need one now. If he raises a question tell him 'a friend of a friend' had their phone stolen and the thief used it to steal their identity or something. You need to tighten your internet security. Change passwords and use private browsing.

I haven't read your other threads, but PP says that there is some kind of camera set up that he monitors? Either turn it off, break it (knock it over?) or just be aware that it's there as you do your preparations.

Here's the most important thing: does he have PR? Is his name on the birth certificate? Because something very important to remember is that in the UK both parents have equal rights to a child. This means that, absent a court order to the contrary, if he takes your child 'for a visit' and keeps her, you cannot make him give her back. The police will not help you. It will take a court order. If you think this is a likely scenario, it is vital that you see a solicitor before you either leave or kick him out and get the ball rolling towards a court order setting out residency and access.

All of the above naturally needs to be done as quietly (and quickly) as possible. You want to avoid raising any suspicions.

You say that family is far away and 'not an option'. Even if they are distant, they can still be a support. If there is an estrangement and if there is the possibility of building bridges, now would be the time to do so. But if they're worthless or abusive, obviously that's out of the question.

As far as friends, think very hard. Is there one person you think would be on your side or be willing to help you out? Even if someone is not a close friend, that doesn't mean they won't help. And if you have friends you've drifted away from, is it because he alienated them or quietly coerced you to drop friendships? If so, reconnect.

Even if you truly have no one to help, you can still do this. I'm sure there are plenty of organizations out there for you. I'm not in the UK, so hopefully others will be along behind me to give you some names! I know there's Women's Aid and someone above mentioned Gingerbread.

Good luck. Take a deep breath, don't rush. Move quietly but deliberately and those ducks will be in a row before you know it!

MusicIsMedicine Mon 13-Mar-17 14:16:53

couldntmakethisshitup will that be useful if I tell my GP and health visitor?

Things have moved on a bit since last posting.

He has become quite aggressive. A few times he has jumped up out of the chair and gone to come at me and then stopped himself because I didn't move and stared him right in the face.

I have found out that his brother hits his wife and the parents are trying to excuse him saying that "she drives him to it". Simply speechless when I heard that one.

What horrible creatures they are.

I have also caught him out in a few barefaced lies. By doing careful investigating, I have proof of instances of him lying now. I didn't have that before, just the suspicion. I don't want to say too much in case it outs me.

He does not have PR and is not on the birth certificate.

I suspect that when I try to leave, this is going to become very dangerous.

I am biding my time and trying to stay calm and make plans.

My family are not an option for reasons I don't want to go into here.

I have savings and I can manage the bills on my own and have lived on my own before.

Very concerned for my safety now.

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