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Help me not to cave

(22 Posts)
User57jn83hgy4 Thu 02-Mar-17 20:46:43

I'm leaving my partner and currently still living in the same house. My teen daughter and I have suffered emotional & verbal abuse and I have been physically abused too. I am buying a new house for me and my daughter & hopefully will be in by the end of the month or very early next. He has some money from the separation (not enough to buy a house, but enough for rent for at least a year). He says the reason for his behaviour is because of the way he was treated as a child and although in the past his default would have been anger and abuse, now there are just tears and fear. He wants to move with us until he has sorted himself out. He needs to find a job and somewhere more permanent to rent. He says he feels disappointed that I can't see that he has changed (he is going to therapy) and has been much more helpful at home. I feel awful that I am 'taking' his daughter away from him (even though she has begged to move away from him). They are getting on better now. And wonder if I am just giving up on the relationship. Though I have been unhappy for years. I know what all the comments are going to be. I just feel like I am losing my mind and can't think clearly and think I am behaving really selfishly.

AnyFucker Thu 02-Mar-17 20:50:28

Your daughter has begged you to get her away from him ?

And you are wavering. Jesus.

category12 Thu 02-Mar-17 20:55:36

Fgs, protect your dd.

He is a grown man, he doesn't need your help. She does.

He spent years abusing you and your dd, and he expects even now for you to still put his interests above yours and hers. You need to stop that.

jeaux90 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:00:13

Ffs no. You've built your escape plan please execute on it you'll regret it if you don't.

Your DD needs to be protected.

JK1773 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:02:08

Classic. He's desperate now. Stay absolutely strong. You've made a massive step separating, so so well done. If you let him move in with you it will undo everything you have achieved. Keep focused and harden yourself to his pleas. He's a grown man and he is not your responsibility. Well done again

User57jn83hgy4 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:07:49

Thanks for the encouragement. He's been in tears everyday for the last week I think. Has told me his therapist thinks I'm being a bit harsh not allowing him to kip on the floor of the new place (I wonder what he hasn't told her). I had "I think I'm at the point when I might harm myself" "I would be happy to die in my sleep tonight". I'm just waiting for the mystery terminal illness to appear. He just got to me this evening and I needed to see sense. Thanks for your kind words, and your blunt comments too...

Lucked Thu 02-Mar-17 21:14:25

Why why why? He isn't potless as he can afford to rent and has time to find somewhere. Bridges have been burned and can never be rebuilt.

If he is getting to you go out, cinema or anything.

loveyoutothemoon Thu 02-Mar-17 21:16:36

That will be a lie saying that about the therapist!

CakeyMcCakey Thu 02-Mar-17 21:19:14

I can understand you wobbling OP. Someone you once loved dearly is seemingly falling apart and you feel responsible.

I think that would tug on anyones heart strings and it speaks volumes about your kindness.

But you know you're doing the right thing so stay firm.

He needs to realise there are consequences to his actions. He needs to be responsible for picking himself up and making himself a better person now. That's not your job.

God luck with the move!

jeaux90 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:20:42

Jesus wept that tops it for me. The classic line "i just want to die" etc

He is desperate to get you back in line.

Two fingered salute

Well done for leaving, you and your dd will be so much happier.

User57jn83hgy4 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:24:42

Loveyou that was my first thought, or she's a really rubbish therapist, or he hasn't told her half of what has happened

User57jn83hgy4 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:28:13

jeaux yes it is a classic isn't? What can I expect next, apart from the terminal illness? I do wonder if he'll come full circle and resort to the abuse and physical violence. I have a getaway bag and somewhere safe to go whatever time day or night

User57jn83hgy4 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:32:30

That's exactly it cakey. All the dreams and hopes I had at the beginning of the relationship are never going to happen. I've given it my best shot, and stayed longer than I should have done. But it's taken selling my house,and moving to rented accommodation, just so that I could leave him, as I knew he would never go.

AnyFucker Thu 02-Mar-17 21:33:59

Very sensible. When the broken man act doesn't get you back into line he will move onto a different tactic

You know it.

PollytheDolly Thu 02-Mar-17 21:37:48

He's been in tears? Well, he's shouldn't have been such an abusive cunt should he?

Don't give in. He's now in the "woe is me" stage.

Tough shit.

Enjoy your freedom, and shake that clinker off xx

category12 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:38:23

He's bullshitting you (and the therapist probably). If he goes with you to your new home, you will have hell's delight ever getting him out again. He will never leave, he will use your compassion and inertia to get his feet firmly under the table, and gradually the abusive behaviour will ramp up again.

He hasn't changed. if he had changed it wouldn't be all about how disappointed he is in you for not seeing he's changed (after how long vs how long he abused you?!) - it would be about how sorry he is to have caused you pain and trying to make your life and your dd's life easier, not busily protecting his own.

It's not normal or reasonable or in any way sensible for him to go with you - you don't take your ex to your new home, it's just nonsense.

jeaux90 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:40:10

Be careful. You are right to have your bag packed. You are not falling in line with the "I want to die" bullshit he may revert to physical abuse again.

Eyes open, stay strong, you are doing this xxx

InTheMoodForLove Thu 02-Mar-17 21:43:27

Has told me his therapist thinks I'm being a bit harsh not allowing him to kip on the floor of the new place (I wonder what he hasn't told her)

no therapist would pass such a judgment ever, its just a lie

FetchezLaVache Thu 02-Mar-17 21:45:16

This man isn't crying because he has had some kind of road-to-Damascus moment about what a cunt he's been all these years. He's not crying because of all the times he hit you, or verbally and emotionally abused you, or was such a cunt to his own daughter that she's been begging you to get her away from him. He's crying for himself, because he's lost his emotional punchbag and meal ticket.

Don't let the cunt set foot in your new house, or you'll never get the fucker out again. Far easier to make the clean break now. You know he's got enough money in his back pocket to pay several months' rent up front if he needs to. He'll be fine. Not your problem.

jeaux90 Thu 02-Mar-17 21:46:42

I agree inthemood it's a lie.

I would place a fat bet on the therapist not saying that.

He's a card carrying asshole

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Thu 02-Mar-17 22:41:18

I agree: there's no way the therapist would have said that. So he's a liar, to boot.

What's that thing ChumpLady said about the three channels? Self-pity, rage and [something pleasant].

Self-pity isn't working, so I agree that his next channel is probably going to be rage. Be careful.

Adora10 Fri 03-Mar-17 10:35:54

So you have the chance to get away from an emotional and verbal bully, who has also traumatised your daughter and you are wavering? Really? He puts on the tears and you are caving?

Please don't allow this weak horrible coward of a man dictate the rest of your life and fuck your daughter's life up completely, do the right thing.

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