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When to introduce DS to new BF

(28 Posts)
Bigfluffybear Thu 02-Mar-17 19:54:45

Hello.
Ive been seeing a really nice guy for about 6 weeks. My DS is 12 BF got no kids. BF has got tickets for us for an event next week and when i told DS he wanted to come. I just mentioned in passing DS is insanely jealous Im going and BF was keen DS came if he would be upset to miss it. Is it too early to introduce them?

BitchQueen90 Thu 02-Mar-17 19:56:00

6 weeks.

Way, way, way, way, way too soon IMO.

Bigfluffybear Thu 02-Mar-17 19:57:57

DS hasnt been introduced to anyone since i split with an ex when he was 4

angelcakerocks Thu 02-Mar-17 20:04:57

I think it is too soon. Have contemplated it myself a couple of times after this sort of time frame, and later very glad I didn't when things didn't work out. Give it a few more months

AgentProvocateur Thu 02-Mar-17 20:17:45

6 weeks is way too soon.

PaterPower Thu 02-Mar-17 22:03:58

Waaaaaaaaaay too soon.

I didn't even tell the kids I was dating until I'd been with her a couple of months, and even then it was very gradually dropped into conversations.

Justmuddlingalong Thu 02-Mar-17 22:08:19

If you've waited 8 years before introducing him to anyone don't rush it now.

user1476968120 Thu 02-Mar-17 22:16:10

Yes, After a short amount of time, It would probably be too soon HOWEVER that being said, you could be dating someone for years and then break up...

He wants to go, Your boyfriend doesn't mind if he joins, Just do it :D

You could always you the old excuse off ''This is my friend, He's coming with us today''.

BelarusianDoll Thu 02-Mar-17 23:19:55

As your DS knows about the event now, he might be hurt if you don't take him along. So why not just introduce them? A fun event might be perfect as it's on neutral ground. Like PP said, you can introduce him as your friend. Good luck.

TheNaze73 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:38:39

I waited 18 months in a similar situation to yours & thought it was way too soon. How can you be sure about someone after 6 weeks?? Way, way too soon

THC63 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:44:11

I would go against the general consensus here. He is 12 not 5. I would let him come but don't be all loved up and think right that's it now he is in his life. Introduce occasionally. Shit happens in life. Not all relationships work out and it doesn't do any harm to learn that early in my opinion. He will know the score at 12

Writerwannabe83 Fri 03-Mar-17 07:54:24

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my parents never hid away any partners they had.

My mom was main carer so how on earth was she supposed to hide her personal life when I lived with her? It's much easier for the NRP to keep children away from new relationships but I don't see how realistically it can easily be done when the resident parent meets someone?

The OPs son is 12 years old so it's not like he's fast asleep in bed by 7pm and his mom can sneak her boyfriend in is it?

I don't think it's fair that resident parents should have to restrict their private lives and personal lives whilst the NRP can have relationships relatively easily in their child's absence.

I was certainly never traumatised by meeting any of my parents new partners.

The OPs son is 12, his parents have been separated for 8 years so I doubt h a going to be too bothered about his mom having a boyfriend - kids aren't stupid at that age and they know people have relationships. We also live in a time where many children live in homes where parents aren't together and moms and dad's have girlfriends and boyfriends and children live in blended families with step parents etc..... I really don't think it's something a 12 year old won't be aware of or would need shielding from.

I can't tell from your post though OP if your son already knows you're going with a man? Or does he think you're going alone?

Personally I would just take your son along, I don't think in your situation that 6 weeks is considered too soon.

RaeofSun Fri 03-Mar-17 07:59:06

I would agree and say yes because your ds really wants to go and would be upset. Just act like casual friends with bf for the evening.

it's a dilemma for you for sure. Hope it all goes ok and you all have a great time and hope you can get another ticket otherwise a whole different dilemma!

Hellothereitsme Fri 03-Mar-17 08:00:22

I took it really slowly. But my then 11 year old still cried as he was scared about the changes he imagined were going to happen. Once I explained that he had a daddy and no one was going to replace his daddy he felt happier. It is difficult what ever age children are.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Fri 03-Mar-17 08:03:02

Writer I'm glad to read your post because I am in this situation as the full-time parent trying to meet someone new.

I had a 2.5 ur relationship since my divorce and it didn't work out. It wouldn't have made any difference if I introduced at 6 weeks or 6 months - I didn't know it wasn't going to work out until 2+ years down the line.

I can't hide a new many from my kids indefinitely. They don't see their dad eow or anything so they will need to meet the new man sooner rather than later.

I'm just going to be honest with them that we are friends and it might become more but we're still getting to know each other etc.

It's so hard!

FrenchLavender Fri 03-Mar-17 08:08:20

As he is 12 I don't think it's too soon to introduce them. At this stage he is just a good friend and can be introduced as such. If you wanted to go to an event with a new female friend you wouldn't even be asking the question, you'd just assume it was perfectly fine for your child to meet your friend.

I do, however think it's too soon to be moving him in, having him stay over when your DS is there, or doing 'family' type things together as a habit and expecting your son to accept that all family time now involves the three of you.

exexpat Fri 03-Mar-17 08:10:27

I would let your DS come too. I think once they are that sort of age and know you are dating there is no point keeping them from meeting each other artificially. You just want to avoid immediately leaping into the idea that your new partner is taking on a parental role.

I went completely against the MN rules and let my DCs meet DP when we had only been together a couple of weeks, but they were 16 and 12 at the time. It just seemed ridiculous sneaking around trying to hide him from the DCs when they were perfectly old enough to have a rational understanding of the idea that their mother was seeing someone.

And to be honest, them getting on with each other OK was a pretty crucial condition for the long term future of the relationship, so I thought it was better for them to get to know each other earlier on rather than waiting until I was more committed to the relationship.

starskey80 Fri 03-Mar-17 08:10:53

I agree with others, he's 12 not 4. It's not that big a deal if he goes with you, just don't push a relationship onto him with new bf.
He'll probably have forgotten bf a week after event, at his age they're only interested in their own little world's, lol

BertieBotts Fri 03-Mar-17 08:11:15

I'm curious what the event is that a 12yo is interested in.

Writerwannabe83 Fri 03-Mar-17 08:19:12

oncemoreontothebleach

My sister left her children's father after ten years together and they had two children who were aged 5 and 7 at the time.

About 6 months after she left him she started thinking about dating again and met a really lovely man. She introduced him to the children relatively quickly as she had no choice: the children lived with her 13 days out of 14 so when was she supposed to see her partner unless the children were involved in some way?

She didn't make it into a big issue, just introduced him as her new friend (just as she would if she had a new female friend) and the children just accepted it.

They have no been together almost three years and are engaged and the children think the world of him.

Their father started dating about 3 months after my sister left him and the children never took to any of his new partners. He's been with his current partner for almost 18 months now and the children tolerate her but they haven't accepted her in the same way they accepted my sister's partner.

The children though grew up in a household where they saw how badly their dad treated their mom and I think they see how happy their mom is now and that in turn makes them happy.

There are so many factors involved when it comes to meeting new partners and how children will react, I really don't think it's as black and white as setting a time limit on it and that means it will go to plan.

WannaBe Fri 03-Mar-17 08:20:06

Agree that at twelve going to an event with a friend and him being there as well is fine. I do understand some of the logic to waiting six/twelve months however the reality is that a year is an awfully long time to invest in a relationship which potentially could end the instant the kids are introduced and don't get on with new partner.

And I think that it's fine for children to grow up knowing that dating is ok, and some dates may lead to relationships, and others may not, and some relationships last and others don't. As long as you're not moving in a string of new partners.....

WannaBe Fri 03-Mar-17 08:27:20

And agree with Writerwannabe83 every situation is different and every relationship is diffferent.

I have a similar story - met my DP around eight months after splitting with eXH, but eXH gave me an ultimatum, either I tell DS that I am seeing someone or he would, so I had no choice. That being said, DP was introduced as a friend, although the first time they met after he left DS asked me if we would get married one day. grin.

Nearly four years on we're engaged and he and DS have a fantastic relationship, to the extent that when I was in hospital last year DS chose to stay here at the weekend with DP.

Conversely my eXH has a new partner also, met similar timescales etc and DS just doesn't have the same relationship with her. They have done things differently e.g. They live together, plus she has a child from a previous relationship and they now have a baby together, so those factors likely do have an impact, but every person is different and every relationship is different. And the same children can react differently to individual situations.

PenguinDi Fri 03-Mar-17 09:46:25

I'd say yes, I met my DP DD after a few weeks but he had told her about me before we met and spoke on the phone and Skype. Just take it slow and see if there are things in common like games or cooking etc, good luck.

Holly3434 Fri 03-Mar-17 10:16:12

All this wait, till when? Everyone is different and don't lie to your DS he's 12 he'll know that's your boyfriend just go, let them meet let it all be casual don't be overly affectionate in front of him. Just three people hanging out having fun I see no harm in it.

Bigfluffybear Fri 03-Mar-17 10:56:26

Thanks for your views. Bf has bought a ticket for DS so looks like its on.

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