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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

should I cut my losses and end the relationship

27 replies

shyturnip · 02/03/2017 15:17

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months now. Been taking it slow, see each other once a week.

But I am beginning to feel like he's not that into me.

First of all, we hardly ever go out. It's usually Saturday night telly and a takeaway.

He never plans. Just phones late in the week to see if I'm free at the weekend.

I'm beginning to think he just wants to have sex and a cuddle on a Saturday night and forgets about me during the week.

I do like him a lot. There's lots to like. He's funny and good company, we get on well and have a laugh. Plenty in common and the conversation never dries up.

But I feel like we're more FWB than in a proper relationship with a potential future and coupledom.

Should I cut my losses and end it now before one of us (me) gets hurt?

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Happybunny19 · 02/03/2017 15:19

You're not dating if you never go out anywhere, that's ok after a few years together but weird so early on. Sorry but I think he only sees this as FWB.

MrsDustyBusty · 02/03/2017 15:19

Well from what you've said, I suspect he'd be quite surprised to think that the relationship is more than FWB. If you want more, I think you need to cut your losses. If you're happy enough, enjoy.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/03/2017 15:20

Have you ever asked for more than once a week?Maybe he is thinking the same. He never plans? Why don't you plan then? Just ask if he wants to see you in the week to go out, you will soon gauge how keen he is if you actually ask him.

debbs77 · 02/03/2017 15:21

Oh my word, I just wrote similar and thought this was my thread!

shyturnip · 02/03/2017 15:23

he's told me that he cares about me a lot. And would be gutted if this ended. I don't think it's just lip service but I think he is very laid back and maybe we're just not compatible as anything more than fwb

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shyturnip · 02/03/2017 15:24

OMG debs77. Are you me?!

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debbs77 · 02/03/2017 15:24

I think if it was meant to be then you'd know.

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2017 15:25

Does he phone you for a chat in the week?

Has you met each other's friends?

Could you meet more often than that?

Adora10 · 02/03/2017 15:26

Once a week to me that involves staying at home is a booty call, or yes, FTW. Are you happy with that, do you not want more, call me old fashioned but I'd like to be taken out when first dating; I think you are right, I think he just sees this as a Sat night shag, sorry.

shyturnip · 02/03/2017 15:28

that's the trouble though debs. There is definitely something real there and we both feel it. It's just our differing styles towards relationships.

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SorrelSoup · 02/03/2017 15:30

He could just be totally clueless. It's really hard to say without knowing him. I would outline my expectations, don't worry about not looking cool or whatever. He can't change if he doesn't know what you want. You have to talk to him. Then you can walk away if it doesn't happen.

debbs77 · 02/03/2017 15:30

Sounds very familiar. I feel this way too. I think he is happy just plodding along. But life is too short for plodding!

shyturnip · 02/03/2017 15:31

Does he phone you for a chat in the week? Sometimes, yes

Has you met each other's friends? Yes

Could you meet more often than that? Possibly but it actually suits us both as work takes up most of the working week.

It's not really the meeting once a week that bothers me. It's that I don't feel like he is keen to take things to the next level. Seems to be happy to just let things drift as they are, little to no real plans.

Maybe we're just not compatible as long term partners.

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shyturnip · 02/03/2017 15:35

The first couple of months we did go out, maybe twice a week. But it's like we've become an old married couple in the following couple of months!

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category12 · 02/03/2017 15:43

I'm thinking this probably suits him just fine - if it didn't, he would be making more of an effort. It's comfortable, on tap, sounds like a bit of a homebody.

I think it points to an incompatibilty. Now, if you are happy to plan things and lead about getting out and about and doing, as some pps have suggested and he's happy to fall in with that, then great - but that's probably the pattern you will have, of you taking the lead. If you want him to think of things and take you out, then looks like you're with the wrong bloke.

Personally I think it should be more fun and a bit more effort at this stage. I'd want more than he's offering.

TheNaze73 · 02/03/2017 15:49

Why does he have to do all the arranging, it does sound like you're just sitting back & dancing to his tune.

BettyBaggins · 02/03/2017 15:51

If you like the guy and he is keen on you why don't you try and ramp it up a bit. It's not easy getting close when you aren't seeing each other in the week, my chap gets up evil early for work and then is snoozing by 9pm so we tend to date mostly weekends only.

Is there a film you'd like to see? Mention it and get the tickets.
A new restaurant to try out?
It takes two to tango

Bare in mind it's been winter but now the light and weather are changing it is easier to get out more and most of us are waking from hibernation! Any talk of holidays this year?

Kittencatkins123 · 02/03/2017 16:14

Just have a chat with him about it. This is obviously not what you're looking for and it's fine to say that.
I've been with my boyfriend around the same time and we'll have some weekends in but then this weekend we're off to my parents, in a couple of weeks having a big night out with my friends, we're going to a gig next week etc.
If he doesn't want to lose you he needs to get his arse off the sofa!

shyturnip · 03/03/2017 12:47

Well it's over.

Had a talk last night. We don't want the same things and he doesn't think we should change for a relationship. Actually I disagree, I don't think a relationship can work without some change from both parties. But it did make me see that our ideas about how relationships work are too far apart to be compatible, especially at this early stage.

Feeling sad though. Despite the reasons why it didn't work out I think I loved him a bit. He's a good man. Just not the right man for me

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BettyBaggins · 03/03/2017 13:26

shyturnip · 03/03/2017 14:44

Thanks Betty.

It actually hurts more than I expected. I've realised that he wasn't that into me or else he would have made more effort. Feels like a bit of a kick in the stomach but it was my mistake to go along with it as long as I did. You live and you learn.

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SparklingRaspberry · 03/03/2017 15:00

Hope you're okay OP

I know it's hard, but best to do it now than any later

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Hermonie2016 · 03/03/2017 17:28

I feel proud of you! You noticed it was wrong, spoke about it and made a decision.
Fantastic and inspiring.

I truly believe you are learning to value yourself and find out what is important to your.I wish I had acted similarly with my stbxh when I had doubts..he talked me round but I should have been stronger.

JaneEyre70 · 03/03/2017 17:32

You've made a tough but good decision. Take some space, and find someone who is worthy of you. His loss .

shyturnip · 03/03/2017 17:33

Thanks for the votes of confidence.

There is part of me that was hoping he'd fight for the relationship but no, he's accepted it's not right and that's that really.

Feeling a bit gutted in truth. But know it was the right move for my own sanity.

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