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found my partner spying on me

(401 Posts)
user1488448211 Thu 02-Mar-17 09:55:11

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

SpringTown46 Thu 02-Mar-17 09:57:08

Breathe a big sigh of relief that you discovered this before getting married. Huge red flag. Walk away.

Rubyslippers7780 Thu 02-Mar-17 09:57:57

Leave. He is spying on you and he lied.

ImperialBlether Thu 02-Mar-17 09:58:31

Personally I'd let him watch you pack his stuff and throw it out. You can't possibly think of marrying this man now.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Mar-17 10:00:29

What Spring says.
Having a check on a phone when you know your OH passcode and he knows you know is OK.
Installing spyware!!!???
No way!
What do you think he is trying to find out.

I've been checking today in case my phone has it.
I don't think it has and I'm not with dickhead Ex now anyway.

Heatherjayne1972 Thu 02-Mar-17 10:01:06

Do you need to ask?
Run. Away. Now
Do not marry this man

Holly3434 Thu 02-Mar-17 10:01:17

Where is this camera recording to? Is this in your bedroom? I wonder what he's trying to find you doing, either way this is very very weird behaviour I'd dump his arse

Justaboy Thu 02-Mar-17 10:01:40

Have you asked him why did he do that and what were his reasons?

Unless he's an out and out wierdo, did he think you were cheating on him in some way?

LemonBreeland Thu 02-Mar-17 10:02:20

He isn't speaking to you, yet you have done nothing wrong. This speaks volumes about him. No way would I marry this man now. You don't know him.

BrownEyedLady Thu 02-Mar-17 10:02:44

This is really quite serious. Was he searching home security? If not then you need to seriously think about the relationship. Can you speak to your friends and family? They might have picked up on other things that you haven't and kept quiet about. They might be willing to speak up now. In any case, you'll see their reactions and see that this is not ok.

ijustwannadance Thu 02-Mar-17 10:03:38

I wouldn't marry him now either. Poor fucking baby upset he got caught and gaslighting you into accepting his explanation.

ImperialBlether Thu 02-Mar-17 10:05:06

Which room was the camera in?

MrsDustyBusty Thu 02-Mar-17 10:05:20

Oh I'd be contacting wedding suppliers and guests today and telling them to return outfits and cancel orders.

That wedding would not be happening.

Have you left spy house yet?

user1488448211 Thu 02-Mar-17 10:06:50

i've asked him to be sincere with me and he told me that this has nothing with me, he just installed as a security system, he played for a while and forgot to delete it. but first he told me that he didn't search for it on google, that he didn't installed it..after that the program was installed with another program which was not true..and then oh suddenly he remembered that he installed to see how it works as a security system when i came with the proof. he insists he didn't do this to spy on me but i believe he is lying. i don't understand why he cannot tell me the truth and talk about this. i didn't do anything wrong, so i don't really understand this and why he cannot be sincere and continue to be upset and not talking to me.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Thu 02-Mar-17 10:06:51

XH used to do this with dictaphones all over the house (in the days before spyware). It was part of a wider pattern of abuse. Escalation is the only form abuse takes, it starts "small" and escalates until you don't recognise who you are any more. LTB.

user1488448211 Thu 02-Mar-17 10:06:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1488448211 Thu 02-Mar-17 10:07:18

sorry the message was posted too many times sad

GirlElephant Thu 02-Mar-17 10:07:28

This is bizarre & intrusive behaviour, I would end it

ijustwannadance Thu 02-Mar-17 10:08:35

Is the camera doing the recording motion activated or remote activated? (him logging in to switch on?)

notapizzaeater Thu 02-Mar-17 10:09:51

The fact that he doesn't trust you and wants to spy on you would have me running to the hills - he will only get worse ....

user1488448211 Thu 02-Mar-17 10:11:08

is in my own house, we live together and the computer was in the room we spend more time there and the computer is always there. i kept telling him that i don't believe because the led of the camera turn on when i came in the room. and he keeps telling me that he hasn't done anything to turn the camera, but i believe that he connected from work and turned it on. on the other part, he works in security IT, but too many lies..first that he didn't searched for it, after that he forgot, that he installed with other program (the other program was installed in another day)..so it seem to be just lies..

BrownEyedLady Thu 02-Mar-17 10:11:14

Why didn't he tell you at the time what he was doing? It is intrusive enough that he should have told you. He'a back peddling now. The additional lies inly shows he was still trying to cover it up. Only when confronted with irrefutable proof is he admitting to it. I really would end this relationship. You've got a massive signpost shouting at you about the direction this relationship is heading.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Thu 02-Mar-17 10:11:26

Surely if he was looking at home security systems he would discuss it with you? I know my DH would.

He is talking bollocks. You need to get rid.

MrsDustyBusty Thu 02-Mar-17 10:12:38

If he works in IT security, there is no way he'd forget that he installed it.

So what do you think you're going to do, OP?

Holly3434 Thu 02-Mar-17 10:12:51

A computer that records videos into a room will do what with a burglar? The deterrent is a camera outside but once they are in it's just Nick and go, oh yeah and the camera will tell you you've been robbed that's all. He sounds like a pathetic little boy

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