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Not allowed to be pissed off?!(37 Posts)
I've been with my BF for a few months and generally things have been great, I'm very keen on him. But there have now been two incidents where he has done things which have pissed me off, not through malice but more just thoughtlessness, and he accepted both times that he was in the wrong. But both times, when I've been feeling pissed off about what he did, and because I was feeling hurt/angry, acted pissed off (e.g. had a bit of a go at him and expressed my annoyance), he seemed to get annoyed back at me and just shut me down, saying it's done now, it can't be changed so move on.
Whilst I agree that dwelling on stuff and dragging it out isn't healthy, I personally see it as a natural reaction to react when someone has done something out of order, and I'm not one to drag it out but I do feel it's my right - if that's the right word - to express my annoyance and feel hurt for a short while. I see it as part of the process of dealing with what has happened. He on the other hand, doesn't see it that way and seems to think that even when I have every right to be annoyed I should just immediately put it behind me and move on.
I've never met anyone with this kind of reaction before and don't know what to make of it. In fairness my relationship history is shite so maybe he is the one in the right and I should just suck these things up, but that seems to me like an unnatural reaction. For context both times I have been annoyed it's been fairly major (IMO) things, I don't get ratty about minor little things, I can let them go straight away.
Would appreciate thoughts because I'm confused!
Wild I think sometimes these things can depend on your experience.
For example he might have grown up in an acrimonious family so an argument to him is a sign of things going really badly. To you however it's healthy to have a bit of a row but then let things go.
I'm on the heated discussion side of things then I let things rest because that's how I grew up.
A few months in and he's already pissed you off on more than one occasion?
What has he done?
His reactions are huge red flags.
Have you been in abusive relationships in the past?
Hells bells really?? You jump to that conclusion from the OP?
It's quite dismissive though isn't it? Assuming you aren't harping on for hours about something trivial of course. How does he react if it's him upset or annoyed? If you were 30 minutes late and he was waiting, you arrive, say Sorry!, would he grumble or be a bit off? Or would he be totally OK?
If its lingering huffiness for something minor, which he's apologised for, then he's got a point.
If he's been a dick and he knows it then nobody can simply flick a switch and be un-annoyed.
It all depends if what is sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander.
Does he practise what he preaches? I'm betting if he wants to be pissed off and be grumpy or even sulk, he will find a way to justify it. If this is the case then it's not fair.
It depends on what's happened.
When me and my husband have a disagreement or a row, if it's his fault and he caused it by doing something to hurt me then he will tell me to move on forget about it and tell me he Doesn't want me talk about it. He doesn't allow me to express my anger and hurt and wants me to shut up or he will punish me in some way like not help me with something or refuse to do something. If I do something to hurt him he will give me the silent treatment for hours and will end up going robbed ignoring me, he won't be open his mouth once to talk. It's so draining. So if you drag it out and refuse to resolve it then it's really bad and can have a negative affect in your boyfriend but like I said it depends on what he's done, if he's cheated on you or done something wrong then that's different and you should be as angry as you like but if its a fairly minor thing it's better to resolve it.
It really is dependent on what he's done and what he can or will do to rectify the situation.
What strikes me most is the fact that after only a few months together you're falling out over what you describe as two major incidents. Doesn't sound like a promising long term relationship to me.
I think it depends on what he did and whether he listens to you explain why exactly you are annoyed. If he listens, accepts that his behaviour is wrong and makes an effort not to do it again then there's no point hanging onto it. But if he's dismissive of your feelings and just says sorry to shut you up then it's a bit of a red flag.
Samantha on a side note, that is emotional abuse by your husband and that's not acceptable or normal behaviour.
Two "major" issues in short order sounds worrying for the relationship anyway.
Would a change in approach work better? Rather than "have a go" (assuming you are, of course) can you take a deep breath and step back so the immediate emotional response is controlled?
Then say something like "you did X, which has caused Y, and the consequences for me are Z. Do you understand the impact and why that's upset me? How are you going to rectify this and make sure it doesn't happen again?" Treat it like a conversation with a colleague at work, if that's how he wants it, but he doesn't get to dodge taking responsibility for his actions.
I would say though, it would have to be sauce for the gander too - he doesn't get away with giving you the cold shoulder / shout or strop around if you screw up.
Does he apologise? I must admit I think 2 major issues is not a good sign and his reaction is worrying.
He gets angry rather than trying to empathise with you.It's a concerne as this is honeymoon stage so he will behave with less tolerance later.
Definitely avoid people who cant show empathy...it's a big deal in a relationship
He's also not taking responsibility so that means his behaviour isn't likely to change.
I wish I had warnings early on as resolving conflict in a healthy way can actually build a relarionship.Not handling conflicts and your partners emotions is a very negative sign.
You are guaranteed over the long term to upset each other..he can't handle your feedback, that's a big deal as it means you will not to raise issues.
Depends if/how he reacts in similar situations. If he does the "saying it's done now, it can't be changed so move on" and isnt grumpy/silent treatment/etc with you then that is how he reacts.
Some people don't like to investigate every possible angle of the issue, under the banner of expressing annoyance and hurt, as often the only purpose of doing that is to reiterate several times in several different ways how hurt and annoyed you are. Which is emotionally draining to be honest. Both DP and I are conflict averse and will avoid these emotional displays but at a later date discuss the behaviors that led to the problem and how to avoid it again in future. We have never had a raised voices/shouting row despite a few very difficult disagreements over important things.
If he gets to rant though and you dont then he is not being fair.
I split with my ex because of this. My feelings were always dismissed and skipped over, and he never admitted he was wrong or apologies without me essentially forcing him too.
It's one thing when it's a small annoyance, but ours were getting bigger (trying to blend families) and eventually I realised that I would never have a voice and so I left.
You need to be able to express yourself and talk about things, especially in the early days, or the long haul will be disastrous.
Sorry for delayed response - was away for a few days.
To answer the question about whether he is allowed to be pissed off, I would have said before the weekend that there had been no times where that had arisen. But that changed yesterday...
We were doing some pottery painting, or at least the dc were and we were watching them. Dd1 had chosen a fiddly piece with lots of detailed bits and it was taking her ages (she is really into art and likes to be precise!). BF offered to help her while I had gone to the toilet, I got back and saw that he was using a brush that was way too big for the job and was making a right mess of it. I pointed this out and said he needed a smaller brush, but he refused to use a smaller one because it would take too long. Dd1 saw what he was doing and said that she didn't want him to help anymore if he carried on using the big brush.
Basically, he refused to stop painting, and kept saying 'but I'm enjoying myself'. I told him that was beside the point, he was wrecking dd1's work that she'd spent ages painstakingly doing. Eventually, after it got quite heated, and both me and dd1 had told him several times to stop if he wouldn't use the smaller brush, he finally stopped painting and sat there in a sulk.
He then threw back what I'd said to him about my feelings being valid when I'm pissed off, as in I should have respected the fact that he was having a nice time painting and had no right to ruin his fun. I see it as totally different as I was pissed off at him because he had done something which was IMO selfish and inconsiderate, whereas at the weekend I was just trying to stop him from cocking up dd1's work.
All sounds very petty and bizarre I know.
Odd and passive aggressive.
Its clear you need to address this (if you want to stay with him) in a way he understands. If reexamination of a situation isnt his thing then perhaps consider why/how he has been selfish or inconsiderate and see if you can preempt that in some way?
We did have a good discussion (in a calm and reasonable way) about it all the day I started this thread and I thought we'd got somewhere, but maybe not.
I don't know if I could preempt it really. The first time I got really annoyed with him it's because he was 2 hours late for a special night out we'd had planned. That was bad enough but the reason he was late was because his soon to be ex wife had turned up at his house to talk through divorce stuff and he'd lost track of time because he didn't have his watch on. I was quite livid, but he just wouldn't allow me to express that and was like 'well it's happened, can't be changed, let's move on'.
The second time, I may be a bit unreasonable with this one....he stopped drinking at new year because he realised he was drinking way too much. He made the decision to stop himself, and was doing really well. Then that all went a bit downhill when he was staying here and it turned out he'd drank most of a bottle of wine from fridge that had been in there opened for ages and must have been like vinegar. Then a can of cider. I talked to him about how I am concerned about his drinking, then he snored like a pig all night (because he had been drinking) meaning I couldn't sleep and finally went to sleep on the sofa (and got about 3 hours sleep in the end). I was ratty and pissed off with him in the morning and again he just tried to shut me down.
He sounds like a selfish piece of work. Why did you not make him go and sleep on the sofa? I'd get out of this before you are in any deeper with him.
He did say in future if he snores he's happy to sleep on the sofa but I guess at the time
I was just looking at it logistically - he is a big bloke and wouldn't fit on the sofa whereas I do.
I think he was an arse
It's not like you sulked for days...Iimits are individual, yes, but from your op I thought you meant you had sulked for ages. I also agree sometimes you can't just shake it off in half an hour, it's not always possible.esp after you had to sleep on the sofa.
But the thing with your DD, he acted like a child. That concerns me more than the rest of it tbh. Why date a childish numpty who drinks a lot?
OP "I should have respected the fact that he was having a nice time painting and had no right to ruin his fun....I was just trying to stop him from cocking up dd1's work."
Read this again OP. It's a child demanding the playground for just them.
It's a few months.
There is conflict and it's not making your heart sing.
Walk away. Preferably at a good sprint.
The fact that he thought it was OK for him to mess up your dd's pottery because it was "fun for him" would be enough to dump him
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